For The Blood We Spill

Chapter 2 - Shattering

WARNING: Self-harm, suicidal thoughts/feelings, blood, and general darkness!

~ Amina Gila

He didn't really sleep much in the end. It was more like slipping in and out of a doze, and it's not until late morning that he finally gets out of bed and mechanically eats with Ahsoka, because he knows that she needs food, even if he doesn't. It feels like duracrete inside of him, and he tries to ignore the sensation. And then, Yoda calls, asking him to come speak with him. Anakin doesn't want to, but he does anyways.

"You summoned me, Master?" Anakin queries, bowing his head slightly in respect which he thinks is more feigned than not right now.

Yoda looks at him for a long moment, ears drooping. "Much at stake there is, but wrong to deceive you it was," he declares.

Anakin frowns in confusion. "Master...?"

"Alive Obi-Wan still is," Yoda states, "Gone undercover to protect the Chancellor he has."

For a second, Anakin thinks that he heard wrong. "What?" he whispers faintly. Of everything which he could have expected, this was certainly not it. How could – that doesn't make any sense. He saw Obi-Wan fall. He felt his Force signature dim and vanish. He didn't imagine that. Their bond is empty – a gaping hole in his mind which can never be filled. "That's – I don't..." He trails off, shaking his head.

Yoda is scrutinizing him with something infinitely sad in his gaze. "Mishear you did not," he tells Anakin with more gentleness than he ever could have expected.

"Why are you telling me this now?" he finally blurts out, deciding to deal with the bombshell of Obi-Wan being alive later. He doesn't know how he's supposed to respond to that. He ought to be glad, thrilled even, because it means that he no longer needs to mourn. Except he still is. To his heart, Obi-Wan died, and even if he's somehow miraculously still alive... it won't change the fact that he's grieving. If anything, it'll make it worse, because it means that all this was for nothing. It might not have been real to the Council, but it was real to him and Ahsoka.

"Time to accept the truth you need if help protect the Chancellor on Naboo you will," answers the Grandmaster.

"What if he needs our help?" Anakin demands, crossing his arms. He can feel anger creeping up on him, but he holds it at bay.

Yoda hums almost thoughtfully. "If you leave, help him you could," he concedes, "But his future, uncertain is. Trust in Obi-Wan we must."

Anakin nods silently, keeping his jaw clenched to prevent himself from launching into an all-out rant at Yoda, before leaving and heading back to his own apartment. At the last second, he goes to Obi-Wan's instead, keying in the code and entering with trepidation. He can feel the familiar – so familiar – Force signature of Obi-Wan clinging to the walls, and it brings tears to his eyes. He thought he had lost him. He thought that everything was over... except it's not. But it will never be the same; he knows that as intimately as he knows that his trust in the Jedi has been broken.

Why? Why did they do this to him? To Ahsoka? What did they do to deserve it? Anakin struggles to think of something which he might have done to make the Council and Obi-Wan decide that keeping him out of the loop was best, but he can think of nothing. Maybe it's something he didn't to. Maybe this is their form of punishing him for not being a good enough Jedi, for having attachments, for struggling to let go, for loving.

He stumbles forwards into the living room before his legs give out and he collapses in the middle of the floor. Everything here feels like home, but it also hurts, grating on his senses until they're overwhelmed with sensations. Losing the fight of control, Anakin screams, though quietly enough that that sound won't be heard beyond the sound-proofed walls of the apartment. With so many people in the Temple, the apartments are protected to maintain privacy and induce peace and quiet.