For The Blood We Spill

Chapter 4 - Unravelling

Author's Note: This is the end of the first arc. The next chapter (which is also the last one I have written) will begin after a short time skip. :')

WARNING: Self-harm, suicidal thoughts/feelings, blood, and general darkness!

~ Amina Gila

Anakin clenches his fingers on the edge of the counter in the 'fresher as he stares at his reflection in the mirror. He looks terrible but seeing as he's been virtually unable to sleep or eat since he thought Obi-Wan died, it's probably not surprising. And being electrocuted by Dooku again certainly didn't help matters much. He wants to sleep. He wishes he could sleep.

He can't.

Whenever he sleeps, he dreams of Obi-Wan's death over and over, or something else just as unthinkable. Nightmares plague him ceaselessly, and the only thing that can stop them, if only for a short while, is collapsing from exhaustion. That's another reason why he's let himself go on this long, secretly inflicting injuries on himself and healing them with the Force. Force-healing is draining, and the energy loss is usually enough to knock him out.

"I wish you were dead," he whispers, staring at his reflection. It's the first time he's ever given voice to the gnawing feelings twisting inside of him. He isn't good enough; he never will be. No matter what he does, he'll always, inevitably, end up disappointing Obi-Wan. Case in point: being left in the dark when Obi-Wan faked his death.

It's... hard for him to admit that he really wants death, but he undeniably does. He just won't let it be his hand that ends his life, and knowing his luck, no one or nothing else will either. Besides, Anakin can't do that to Ahsoka. He's not going to leave her as if she means nothing to him, not like Obi-Wan did to him.

And maybe it's not death that he wants as much as it is for the pain to end. It never stops. He should be happy, because Obi-Wan is still alive, but he's... still mourning. Not for his former master anymore as much as for what they'd had and lost. It was all a lie; he accepts that now. Obi-Wan was – he doesn't know why he chose to act the way he had, and why he's still acting the same, when he was planning to force Anakin to understand the futility of attachments. He doesn't though. All he understands is that he's not good enough, that he'll never be enough, that he can't let go, not ever because the pain is too much for him.

Anakin turns away disgustedly from the mirror when tears flood his eyes. It's wrong for him to feel like this. He shouldn't, and he knows that, but this is one weakness he can't get rid of. As long as no one knows, it'll be fine. It will be.

Checking that the 'fresher door is locked, he keeps his back turned to the mirror as he fumbles through his pockets for the small screw he'd found – and used – last time. He knows that he needs to go see Padme, especially seeing as they haven't spent much time together since Obi-Wan supposedly died, but he won't leave his guest room until he's under control again. He refuses to take the risk of lashing out at her because he can't control himself.

The pain gnawing at him is more emotional than physical – the damage from being electrocuted, not to mention hurled into things, having been healed by bacta. Slowly, he drags the screw across his arm, digging a shallow cut. It barely goes through one layer of skin, but it's enough for him to pull himself back together. His nerves are still hypersensitive from the lightning, which is good. Anakin doesn't even try to reason out his thoughts or understand why he's being treated so dismissively all the time. It doesn't matter. If he can make himself not think about it, that would be for the best.

The more he thinks, the more it will hurt. He slips the screw away into a pocket, waiting until the cut has scabbed over before pulling his sleeve back down to cover it, hiding the injury from sight. No one will know. No one has to know as long as he's careful. Perhaps this will become something of a ritual: inflicting injuries so the pain dulls his thoughts and grief. It's effective, and he needn't bother anyone with his problems. It's pathetic anyways for him to be affected this strongly by Obi-Wan's actions. It's not becoming of a Jedi.