Y/N and the Avengers

When everything's crushing down

"Hey, are you okay?", you heard Bucky through the speaker but didn't reply, "Are you still alive? It's pretty difficult to tell as long as you're hiding under that blanket. I'd like to come in but I need some information about your condition. So..." He stopped and waited for you to finally say something. "For real now... are you alive? I'm getting worried."
"Just leave... it's better anyway...", you said exhausted.

A minute later you heard the door unlocking and Bucky went in.
This time he didn't sit on your bed but it sounded like he was sitting on the ground in front of it. "What do you want?", you groaned.
"Let's talk", he said firmly.
"I'm good without it, thanks."
"Tell me more about the voice."
You sighed and turned your face to your pillow. "I don't wanna talk about it." Your voice sounded muffled.
"But I do and we have to talk if we want to work together."
"It's not a voice", you corrected his earlier statement.
"But you called it that."
"Because it's easier to say... they are my thoughts which are just freaking loud sometimes... but like... ugh... i dunno... They are in my head but they feel wrong."
"Probably because Hydra infiltrated them."
"I dunno...", you sighed.
"Tell me what these thoughts are about."
"It's always-"
"Could you please get your pillow out of your mouth? It's difficult to understand you", he said and you turned your face away from your pillow but stayed under the blanket.
"It's always the same. That my mission is to kill you, that I need to succeed, that a failure is not acceptable,... stuff like that", you explained.
"And why do you act on them when they feel wrong? Thoughts we can separate don't turn us into weapons."
"It's difficult to explain if you didn't notice... The thing is that when they are there... they feel right. When they are loud and strong and... they just feel right then. They feel like it's coming from me. But when my mind is kinda clear then I wonder why I was thinking like that. I wonder why I am so aggressive and... like that. But to be honest this happened just recently."
"What do you mean?"
"Before my memories, before you were interfering, there was nothing. I just had these thoughts and the beliefs that I question now. And sometimes I..." You stopped and even though Bucky didn't want to pressure you, he couldn't stay silent for too long.
"You...?", he asked and wanted you to continue.
"Sometimes I just completely lost my mind. I don't know. I just don't know okay? I can't tell you, I don't understand all this shit." While talking you had begun to cry silently but a few sniffs revealed it so Bucky stood up and said: "Get up. Let me hug you already."
Hesitantly you pulled the blanket away, stood up, and let yourself fall into his open arms. He embraced you tight and gently stroked your back. "I know it's hard. And I know you feel like shit, but you will get through this. Look at all your improvements."
You scoffed and freed yourself from his hug. "Sure... Improvements..."
"There she is again." You looked at him confused and asked what he meant by that. "Nothing. It's just you being you, that's all", he said and chuckled. You rolled your eyes and turned away from him. Carefully he came closer until he was right behind you and you could feel his breath in your neck.
"Why did you kiss me?", he whispered.
"Just forget about it... I wasn't... my mind..." You sighed and lowered your head.
"You can play some dirty games, y/n."
"Sorry."
He stepped away and asked: "What are you going to do about Natasha?"
You leaned your head against the cold wall and took a deep breath. "I don't know... Can I ask you something?"
"Sure."
"How was it for you? Was it easy?"
He cleared his throat and began to say something a few times but stopped right away.
"Oh, god. Not the kiss! I meant... being their soldier."
He sighed in relief and was lost in thoughts for a moment.
"When I..." He stopped and took a deep breath before he continued: "When I was the Winter Soldier, I just did whatever. I didn't think nor did I have control over what was happening. And when I woke up it all felt... blurry. Sometimes I didn't remember at all until something triggered it, you know? It was like a dream. In a dream, stuff is just happening and you wake up and barely remember it. Or you just remember a part of it or something like that. That's what it was for me. I was watching without realizing it."
You turned around and slid down the wall. "That's a good description of what I am going through... But it feels like there is this... I don't know. Middle part, I'd call it. When I have a little bit of control or when it begins to switch without commands. Sometimes I am watching myself and know what I should do better. Or what I shouldn't do at all but I just... I can't stop it. I am stuck in this body that is just doing whatever it wants while I can't do anything against it. I am very sorry for earlier. I didn't want to be so... crazy. And when you... when I...", you sighed and laid your face in your hands, "When I was locked in here and you... I heard you. And all I wanted was to go to bed and cry but I couldn't. Instead, I was yelling stuff I knew would hurt you. And inside I just... I am sorry for everything, I hope you know that."
"I do. It was difficult to watch you so I just left..."
"I know... I heard it... But it was so unexpected that I snapped back and took the chance to try staying sane", you said and Bucky got closer to sit down next to you.
"By the way, do you remember your friend?"
"My friend?", you asked confused.
"The guy who arrived with your grandma."
"Oh... that guy..." You shook your head and looked at Bucky in tears. "It's all so... it's too much."
"I know... But you want to fight, right?"
You nodded in response and hummed agreeing.
"It won't be easy. Actually, it's going to get even more difficult."
You laid your head on his shoulder and closed your eyes. "I have to do it for her", you whispered, "She did so much for me... I can't let her die before her actual time... and definitely not through Hydra. Ah, god... I hope this pain will stop at some point..." You pressed your palm against your head like it would do anything good at that moment.
"I can't promise you... but I can imagine that it will stop as soon as Hydra isn't in your head anymore. Is it every time you fight against their shit?", he asked, trying to figure out how it works.
"Yeah..."
"Sucks to be you."
"Sucks to be you too, Mister Winter", you said and you both laughed.
"Y/n."
"James." He pulled his shoulder away, so your head dropped a little until you looked up. "That's...", but Bucky didn't continue and just shook his head while chuckling, "You ruined the mood."
"Which mood?"
"I wanted to get serious! And you just pull out your stupid jokes."
"Like I said: sucks to be you."
"Ah, shut up, Y/L/N! Let's be serious now!"
You looked at him very seriously and said: "I am serious. Don't you see that? Can't be more serious than that."
He scoffed and shook his head smiling. "I told you that it won't be easy. And with that, I meant that we need to find out your codes and train with you to not get into soldier mode."
You stood up quickly and repeatedly said "No" while walking away from Bucky and shaking your head.
Slowly he stood up as well and nodded. "We have to. Otherwise, they will obtain the power over you again and again."
"I don't-, I can't-, I-", you stumbled and tears were filling your eyes.
"I overcame it, so can you."
But you shook your head, the tears no longer just in your eyes but rushing down your cheeks. "I will kill you, nobody will be safe. You will just lose me again." Your voice was cracking and difficult to hear.
"Trust me, we won't. As long as you don't give up, nothing too bad will happen."
"That indicates that... that bad stuff will happen. Just not too bad stuff", you said.
"It might, yeah. But don't worry about that, we can handle it."
Someone knocked and came in right away. "Tony, I don't think you understand why people knock, do you?", you asked and wiped away your tears. His gaze went from you to Bucky, then back to you again.
"You look like he just broke up with you", Tony said and nodded in Bucky's direction, "Good for the redhead I suppose."
You sighed and Bucky stood up, wanting to say something but you interrupted: "What do you want?"
"Right. You should go to your granny, I have no clue what she is talking about the whole time and she refuses to speak any English, I can't stand it anymore", Tony explained annoyed.
"Maybe you should learn German then", you said mockingly.
"Die meisten hier sprechen Deutsch, Tony. Du solltest dich ranhalten, meinst du nicht (-Most of us speak German, Tony. You should keep up, don't you think-)?", Bucky teased.
"Very funny! Seems like everyone is having fun just because I can't speak it! So when you finally finished putting others down, head to the common room", Tony said and left.
When he was out of sight you turned around to Bucky. "Since when do you know German?!"
"For a long time now. I'm not the only one, so don't come after me."
"What?"