Ramé

Drapetomania/Mauerbauertrarigkeit

1: (n.) an overwhelming urge to run away

2: (n.) the inexplicable urge to push people away

That feeling was starting to creep back in again. The feeling that caused him to push Otto away the first time around. The overwhelming, all consuming thought that he wasn't doing enough to give Otto what he needed. What he deserved. And, fuck, if it wasn't painful.

"You okay, babe?" Otto asked him from the other side of Awsten's kitchen.

Awsten just nodded, "I'm good, I'm good."

Humming, Otto walked over and leaned against the counter. "I can tell that that's totally true from the way you've been staring at the carrots you're supposed to be chopping for the past, what? Five minutes?" He gave Awsten a knowing look before taking the knife from his hands and laying it on the counter. "What gives?"

He smiled and shook his head. "Nothing gives ," he argued. "I'm just thinking about how to approach this very important job you've given me."

Otto laughed. "You're a shitty liar."

"I know. I'm just out of it I guess."

"Talk to me about it."

This wasn't going to go well. This was going to end in flames. Awsten wasn't going to break up with him. Mainly because Awsten was fucking enamored by him. In his opinion, Otto could do no wrong. But also because he knew neither of them would survive a second breakup. But that reason was infinitely less important than the first. He loved Otto so much. And that was part of the problem.

Awsten made a choked humming noise. "I guess I'm just feeling too much again, if you catch my drift." Otto gave him an encouraging look, so he continued. "Like, I'm feeling like I did way back when ."

Otto paled. "Oh?"

"Not like that," Awsten quickly amended. "Like, back then, I just ended it because I was overwhelmed and I didn't really get it. But now it's just that I know I feel so much that it freaks me out sometimes. And that's not on you."

Through glossy eyes, Otto kept his eyes on the stove top. "So, what can I do to help you feel, I dunno, better? About us?"

Awsten shook his head. "Nothing, Otto. That's the thing. It's literally not you." Nodding, Otto went wordlessly back to his counter space. "Babe," he said softly.

"I don't know what you want me to say, Aws."

"I don't know either. I- I'm just sorry."

Otto just shook his head. God, he fucking sucked. Why did he have to be like this? He always had to go and fuck up any good thing he had. How does someone even begin to fix a problem like this?

For Awsten, it looked like sneaking out of his bedroom at three in the morning, giving Otto a kiss on his forehead and laying outside under stars for two hours.

He tried to sort through everything out there in the warm California air. What had changed in the last week and a half? They'd flown back from Geoff's, tanned and exhausted in the worst way. Otto had taken up a temporary two week residency in his house per Awsten's request. Otto had told him he loved him and Awsten had finally said it back.

Sitting up, Awsten was struck with the realization that, oh my god he was falling into the same bullshit patterns from high school.

The first time he'd heard the phrase I love you in a romantic setting was with his on again off again high school sweetheart Ciara. "Hey," she said, cuddling up to his side.