Just Perfectly Messy

twos a party, threes a crowd

I stare at each guy and mentally blow my brains out on the scene. They all look at me expectantly, but I don't even know what to say. It's been five long and silent minutes that we've all just been sat here, looking at one another, and my heart swells for each guy.

I should have never written those letters.

Ashton sneezes frightening me a bit, and both Harry and Connor bless him at the same time.

What do I do??

What could I possibly say?

Harry clears his throat.

"I don't know where to begin, but I want to start off by saying I'm sorry." Each guy has their attention on me, listening intently.

"I want to clear up firstly that each of you knew that we were never offical. None of us," I look towards Connor and he looks down. "I know that using this as leverage isn't helping me right now, but none of us were ever offical, and to have said that we were was silly."

Harry runs a hand through his hair and Ashton plays with his bracelets. I think they're getting the idea.

"But putting that aside, I know that what I did was wrong. And I'm sorry for that. But please hear me out before you all hate me.." the thought of them hating me makes me cringe, and I feel like crying.

"I know each of you got my letter, but you need to understand that I wrote those letters out of confidence. I never wanted them to have been sent out. You receiving your individual letters was all an accident... so please don't think that I am a whore, or that I do these kinds of things with people, because I don't. I never wanted those letters sent, and I never wanted any of you to find out about my feelings, but you did." All three guys are looking at me with confusion in their eyes but I continue..

"I never imagined any one of you to ever like a girl like me. I know I'm not the prettiest, or the most popular girl around, so yeah, I guess writing those letters gave me a relief that only I can understand. But then when I found out you each liked me... well damm, It changed everything. I never in a million years thought I could ever get amazing and outspoken guys like you to like me, but it happened, and then the dates had begun. I know it's dumb of me to have went out with you guys at the same time, but I saw it as dates, not marriage, so I thought it was okay. And then each of you gave off this rush within me that I know I couldn't find on my own, so I let the month go by and I learned more about you, and I began falling for each of you. And I know that's totally fucked up because I shouldn't have, but I did, and the thought of me losing any of you kills me. It's like a fucking dagger to the heart that twists and twists and twists."

Connor stops looking at me, and looks down at his shoes.

"But you know you can't have us all, right?" Connor says with no judgement in his voice. Only hurt.

I nod my head and can feel my eyes sting. I'm not upset I can't have them all.. I'm more afraid I'll lose them all in the process.

"You can call me whatever you please, but please know that I really do care about you all." I can feel the tears begin to form In my eyes but I blot my eyes with my jacket sleeve and wait for one of them to speak... any of them.

"I'm not upset with you." Harry speaks up, looking me dead in the eye. "I can understand why you did what you did. Don't get me wrong, it sucks that I found out there's two other lads in your life that you care about, but I care about you a lot, Alice. And don't think that just because you were hanging out with other guys makes me feel any less for you because you're right. We're not married, we're not official, and seeing other people isn't wrong. But I have to be quite honest with you, Alice. You're the only person I want to see." I suck In a breath and can sense the uncomfortable state of Connor and Ashton.

It's silent. Dead silent.

The warmth of the spring time air is comforting, but the thickened air of my confession, and Harry's confession also, makes goosebumps arise on my skin.

My phone buzzes and I look down to see Michael questioning how it's going. I don't reply, but instead put my phone on silent and wait for this thing to unravel itself.

I clear my throat but have nothing to say. I see Connor eye Harry, but Harry's too busy looking at me. Ashton looks at me and then back to the ground.

"I don't know what to think, Alessandra. I really don't.. but I will say that I like you.. a lot. And I feel the same way this guy does. I don't want to see other people, or have stupid conversations with anyone else. I felt betrayed, but you were right. It was silly of me to have ever said we were together in the first place, so I apologize for that. I also know I'm crazy for saying this, but I've.. I've fallen for you and at this point I don't think I can just give that up, you know?" Ashton finally stops speaking and my heart is twisting and unfolding, and twisting up again.

"Ali..." Connor begins and I'm afraid of what's to leave his lips next. "You know I care about you, deeply. I have dreamt of being with you since we were kids, and now that I have the opportunity, I don't think I can let it go. I know it's stupid, so stupid to be in a competition with two other guys, but if that's what I need to do to win you over, then I'll do it." My mouth is dry.

Shit, shit, shit.

"I.. I don't even know what to say at this moment... all that's coming to my brain is that I'm sorry." I say slowly. "This isn't a competition though, it's not. I don't want to be won over, I want my heart to do the deciding, and if anything happens, then I was never won... I was merely pushed by my heart."

All three boys nod their heads, but the weight on my shoulders is overbearing.

"I don't know what to do." I confess... burying my face in my hands.

I never ever thought that talking to each guy would lead to this. I feel so ashamed, even though I have nothing to be ashamed for.

"Give it a month." Blurts out Ashton.

Harry looks at Ashton and nods his head. "Give it two months to decide, and by then, your heart will know what it wants."

Connor looks uneasy, but he nods his head as well.

"Are you being serious?" I question. I was nervously getting myself set for heartbreak.. and now I don't know what to think.

"Yeah, two months is long enough to allow your heart to decide, and on the second of June, we'll all get together again and you can decide." I hate that they make it seem like it's a prize to be won. It's not. I didn't intend on falling for these three guys, much less have to sit here and figure this whole ordeal out.

"And you would be okay with that? If I saw all three of you, (unofficially) between the two months?"

Connor nods. "You were kind of already doing that anyway," he chuckles. "And at least that gives us a time gap between who you'll choose."

"Two months," Harry repeats.

"And you'll let your heart decide." Ashton adds on.

"We'll do our damnest!" Connor adds with a small smile.

"And whoever you choose, I'll respect." Harry says softly.

My heart is hurting but it's not hurting at the same time.

"So will I," Ashton agrees.

I look at Connor, and he looks at Harry, then towards Ashton, and back to me. He sighs heavily, and nods his head again. "I will too."

My stomachs tied in knots and I'm not quite sure what my heart will decide. But I pray to God she'll choose the one made for me.

...

So instead of more complicated shit in the next chapters they'll be more light and fun. Tons of dates, lots of fun, and plenty of kissing. Eeeepp!!!!

I know who I ship for Alessandra... but I also know who she ends up with so writing this story is so damn hard!!!! But I love writing it :)

Anywaaaaay...

Please, don't forget to vote, comment and share. I love you guyyyyyys!