Northbound Pilgrimage II

Chapter XXV - Nothing's Changed

Aeyrin sat at the table, swirling the mead in her tankard nervously.

The last two weeks haven't been the easiest. Not that much had happened but... maybe that was the problem. At first, she had received a letter from Raven which suggested that maybe it would be necessary for her to follow yet another caravan because he and Karliah heard of no change in Maven and Mercer's association. Aeyrin was left with an uncertainty in that regard and it made her more than morose. Especially after what happened last time.

And therein laid the root of her problem. She felt... demotivated, lethargic. Even if she traveled like before, explored like before, it didn't feel the same. None of it filled her with the same purpose. Maybe it was as Vuaerion had suggested – she needed a new path, new purpose. But... how? And what? There were still things unfinished that required her walking this path and... she could not imagine herself doing anything else.

It wasn't the lack of goals... it was... her. There was constantly something that prevented her from getting herself back into the state of mind that she used to be in. Something that made her wander aimlessly through the wilderness and feel like she was accomplishing nothing, even though it was hardly that different from what she used to do. Something that made her shy away from people close to her, just because she didn't want to talk about how she felt.

Why could things just not go back to the way they were?

She let out a sigh and looked over the common room of the tavern.

She didn't like that place, there were too many soldiers around. It was like staying at a military outpost. And she knew that they were often talking about her. It was impossible to keep her identity a secret so close to Solitude.

They were all talking about her and that paladin that poisoned her and framed her companion.

She had to admit, she would have found that interesting too if it involved strangers. No wonder those rumors were still alive and circulating.

She wished that Bishop would get there already.

She wrote to him after her first night at the inn. She wasn't planning on it – she wanted to keep away for a while. Last time they saw each other got a little... hurtful. She wasn't sure if it was a tactic on his part or if their time together really meant so little to him. Although neither of those rang true in her head. She still wasn't sure what happened, but it was obvious that this was just the same thing over and over again – the more time they spent together, the more likely they were to fight.

She didn't want that. She was so afraid of them ruining their relationship for good like that. They probably needed time apart, so that they missed each other and were concentrated on nothing but enjoying their time together when they reunited. She was so tired of the fights. She hadn't expected him to try and pick one the last time. She thought that he was tired of them too.

She wanted to give it a little more time. She really thought that it would do them good.

But she missed him too much. And the second she started to feel scrutinized with all the soldiers there, instead of moving on to a different place, she couldn't help but write to him.

She needed him.

His presence always made anything bad more bearable.

She wasn't exactly sure why she didn't just leave Dragon Bridge instead, why it felt like she needed an excuse to see him.

The whole idea of seeking 'shelter in his arms' may have gotten too instinctive. Every little thing that made her feel bad at the same time made her needy for his embrace.