Patience

Chapter 8 - Remember the Feeling

The last thing I expected to see in my living room when I started the day was a 6-foot, dark haired, muscular Hunter Keen on my couch, looking completely at home. His large frame seemingly shrinking Thomas' small body next to him, only two Disney movies in and I can see he's already tired out, his eyes drooping and head bobbing as he tries his hardest to stay awake.

Shaking my head with a small smile on my face, I head around the corner towards the kitchen to put our leftovers in a container. I take the opportunity to just breathe for a second before getting started on the dishes sitting on the counter, I fill the sink with hot water and listen out for any noise coming from the living room. This is surprisingly nice, having someone, a friend I guess, in my house, being able to share this space with someone other than Mia. 

A shiver grips my spine, as I pull my singlet back down where it's ridden up my back and get started on washing up the plates in front of me. I honestly think that's one of the most annoying things about being an adult, no matter how much you clean it, the kitchen will always be a mess. 

"What are those scars from?" Hunters breathe brushes the side of my face, goosebumps spread down my arms as I jump at his closeness.

"How long have you been standing there?" I say, hand to my chest. "You scared the shit out of me."

"Sorry." His voice in that same whisper, his fingers closing around the side of the bench behind me as he inches closer. "So, those scars?" he prompts, reminding me of the question I had ignored.

He stares at me, waiting as I stare right back at him. Not sure if I should give up this part of myself, the ugly secret that I keep from everyone. In the dim lighting his blue eyes seem darker, his thick lashes hiding them from sight. Staying planted where he is beside me, I can see the challenge in his eyes. Seeing him with Tom today has been heartwarming, his patience, his attentiveness but this person is still a stranger to me isn't he? Maybe not completely but this part of my story isn't pretty and has been kept a secret for a long time.

"Is Tom asleep?" I ask as I move to the side, finishing off the last of the dishes. I can see him nod out of the corner of my eye as I let out a sigh, turning back to him. Now or never, I guess...

"I don't give people my phone number. I don't let people into my house. I don't let people see my back or get too close to my brother and yet somehow, here you are. In my space, how?" I explain, the air between us thick, I've not had to tell this story before. I lean back against the counter and take a deep breathe, maybe this will be good for me, to speak my truth and not keep it all bottled up.

"Come on, we know each other Sage, we've seen each other almost everyday for two years. You've never been one to back down or give up, at least not in the times I've known you." He says, arms crossed in front of his chest. "You literally once asked me if I thought the world revolved around me and my stupid opinions in front of our entire lecture hall, where's that Sage."

"That Sage has run into a few problems lately, guess she's a bit tired." As if to solidify my statement, a yawn makes its way out of my mouth.

He leans back against the counter next to me, our hips touching. "You get in a fight or something?" He asks, turning to face me, a crease forming across his forehead.

"Something like that... You remember how I mentioned my dad and not seeing him for a few years?" He nods again, his body moving slightly beside me, the heat coming off him making it's way up my side. "He used to abuse me, abused my mum too. When he tried to start on Tommy, he was only four." I look up to see him already watching me, his jaw clenched, the frown on his face prominent. "My mum didn't seem to care, I think she'd given up by that stage but I couldn't let him hurt Tom too so I stepped in just in time once, he didn't like that too much. He started throwing things; plates, cups, anything breakable he could find, really. Scratched me up pretty bad, to the point that I should have gotten stitches. I took myself and Tom to Mia's, she fixed me up as good as she could and that's where we stayed for the night. Not long after that, I called the police on him while he was at work, I was eighteen by that point and knew there was more than one thing he was doing illegally."

"Sage..." He breathes out, the pain all to obvious as he inches closer to me. His hand flicking out to touch my lower back, before he hesitates, uncertain.

I shrug, "It's okay, these are the cards I've been dealt right? I've found there's not much use in complaining, no one cares enough."

"I'm guessing he got put away then?" I nod. "And your mum?"

"She split on us as soon as he got arrested, figured she was probably next. I don't know where she went and I haven't heard from her for almost as long as he's been away, she wasn't built to be a mother, couldn't handle her cards. Tom doesn't remember them, not really. It's pretty much just been me and him his whole life." I make my way back into the living room, Hunter close behind. Without a word, he picks Tom up and raises an eyebrow.

I lead him down the hall and into Tom's room, nothing but his nightlight on to guide us. With a good night kiss, I make sure he's tucked in and sleeping away, before I slowly shut his door and plant myself back on the couch, watching as Hunter does the same.

"Is that why you want to be a social worker?" He presses play on another Disney movie and passes me some chocolate from his stash of goodies, a small, reassuring smile on his face.

"Yeah, I want to be able to provide people with the support they need. Do a better job for others than what was done for us." I pass the chocolate back after taking a bit for myself at the same time as I bring me knees to my chest and lean back, facing him. "I don't really talk about this stuff, not even with Mia. It's a bit of a rough topic, especially considering how much of it she saw growing up with me. There's was a million times she begged me to call the cops or tell her parents but as I kid you kind of feel ashamed that that's what's going on in your life."

He leans his head back as he stares up at the ceiling, plopping a bit of the chocolate in his mouth, as he thinkis it over. He closes his eyes for a second and I do the same until he lets out a long breath through his nose, slowly turning to look at me, his eyes searching.

"You're just full of secrets, huh?" A laugh escapes my lips as he smiles down at me. "How do you do it all? Study, work and look after Thomas all at the same time? I can barely look after myself." He asks, I just shrug as he lets out a low chuckle, placing a hand on my now outstretched leg. "Fair enough."

When did I get here? When did we get here? When did this get so comfortable? I'm almost too afraid to ask, to afraid to ruin this bubble we've built around us for the day.

"I just keep getting up every day, really, it's as simple as that. Sometimes it feels like I'm not living for me, like all of this is for Tom and most days I'm fine with that because he's worth it. I mean have you seen him?" I ask, flashing him a smile. "But there's this saying that I like, it goes something like: 'Remember the feeling. Remember what it was like to hate yourself, what it's like to laugh, to cry, to love, to lose someone you care about, to struggle to get to sleep, to sing at the top of your lungs because this is it. This is the one life we get and it's not pretty a lot of the time but it's all we've got.' Because if you remember those tough times, it makes celebrating the wins feel that much better."

We sit in silence for a while, just looking at each other, Tommy asleep in his room and the rest of the world asleep around us. His hand on my leg, a chocolate bar between us and the soft sound of the movie in the background, it feels like I'm a million miles away from my ordinary life, like this is something we've found, just for us.

"I'll remember this feeling." He whispers, eyes closed again as he traces circles along my calf.

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Hey there!!!

Just a short one for this fine Tuesday.

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