But I love you?

                                    *Chapter 1*
12. I was 12 when my uncle took a liking to me, he decided I was the one he wanted to sleep with. Even though he was married and had 2 kids. He wanted me. The 34 year old man chose me. But the only issue was.. I didn't want him. He was my uncle. It was wrong! But, that didn't stop him. One night he was looking after me. He was looking at me funny. A little girl who just wanted to watch tv. I remember him grabbing me by the arms and asking what I thought of him. I was terrified. He asked again but more forceful, I looked at him again and didn't respond. "Do you think I'm sexy?" He asked with a horrible look on his face. "TAYLOR DO YOU THINK IM SEXY" I had never been more scared. He dropped me and told me to take my trousers of. I was already insecure about my body. But I did what he said because he was terrifying. The minute he saw my pants were of, he grabbed me and started to finger me. Then the thing I was most terrified of. Happened. He put his dick in. I passed out from fear, he thought he killed me so he got dressed and ran away. Nobody has seen him since. I was left passed out on the floor. My vagina was bleeding and the pain was agonising. I heard my mum walk in and seeing me on the floor. She ran over to me and saw, she screamed for my uncle but he was nowhere to be found. My mum took me to the hospital and the police. The doctors had to figure out what had happened to me, weather i was in shock of if I had really just passed out. So much happened that day.

But when I eventually went back to school. All my friends had gone and left me. Nobody at school knew. Then I saw another girl on her own. I walked up to her. "Hi I'm Taylor! What's your name?" I was scared of people. But she looked nice. "I'm Victoria" "wow you have a really nice fancy name!" She smiled at me "wanna be friends?" I asked her. She nodded and jumped up. She hugged me! It was so nice.

Now it's 3 years later and I'm 15.

Victoria is still my best friend. I loved her more than anything. I told her all my secrets and she told me hers. It was if we were sisters. We were so close. One thing I'm scared about now. Is coming out to her. Yes she is my best friend but if i told her I'm gay? It could ruin everything. I love her. As a friend. That's what I've been trying to convince myself for the past year. She's just a friend, Just a friend JUST A FREIND!
                                    *Chapter 2*
"Taylor!" Victoria shouted from her bedroom, I ran to her and said "what?" She smirked and said "my friends are coming and we are gonna play spin the bottle!" She's always so exited and happy. But I was kinda nervous because there were gonna be boys. It was a nightmare when the boys turned up. We all sat down to play spin the bottle. She went first and it landed on Jace. Jace is a dick. He leaked his girlfriends nudes. Victoria handed him a mint and said "your gonna eat this before you come anywhere near me." He rolled his eyes and said "boo your a wimp!" And walked out. She was so pissed of, but just played it of by saying "thank god I don't have to kiss him." She spun again and it landed on me. She burst out laughing and said "No way! This game is so fun!" She came over to me and kissed me. I enjoyed it. I knew she only did it for the game. She would never kiss me. I knew her. All she ever said was "gay people are kinda weird, don't cha think?" I would always respond by saying yes because I couldn't really say anything else. But other than being homophobic she was a great person. Yeah she has dated every guy in school.. but that doesn't matter! Anyway.. after she kissed me everyone shouted "LESBIAN!!" She looked at them all. She looked like she was about to throw up from the name she had just been called. "UGH! ITS JUST THE GAME GUYS!" She took a breath to calm down. "Fine. Who wants to play truth or dare instead?" Everyone said yes and got really exited. One of the boys said to me "truth or dare!" I stupidly answered with "dare!" Worst mistake ever. He said "take your shirt of for us!" I looked in shock. I couldn't do that! They would all see my wrists! Victoria put her arms around me. "Guys! Don't ask her that! She cuts herself. You would all see if she took her shirt of! That's a bad thing." I looked up at her, with tears in my eyes I stood up and ran to her room. I heard them all shouting downstairs. Soon after Victoria came up to her room. "Tay?.. I'm sorry. I was just trying to help! They would've seen!" I kept silent with my head buried in her pillow. She went downstairs and told all the boys to clear of and go home. So they did. She turned the shower on and told me to go in. So I did, the water burned my wrists. But the pain was comforting. I saw she had a blade. She uses it for skincare or something. I fought the urge to pick it up. I walked out she shower and got changed. She was in bed asleep already. I got in next to her. I couldn't sleep, I kept thinking about the blade in the bathroom. I gave in, I walked to the bathroom and picked it up. I sat on the toilet seat.
Staring at the blade. I started.
                                  *Chapter 3*
That night I had gone to far. They began to turn white. Not red. Which made me even more upset because I wanted to see the blood. I wanted to be in pain, and hurt. I managed to stop myself going any further. I cleaned the razor, and the drops of blood I had left on the toilet seat. In my head was spiralling, thinking about how al other boys knew. I know I should stop but I can't. It was 1am, I laid in bed next to her. She had her back turned to me so I played with her hair, my arms burnt against the fabric pool of my hoodie. I couldn't sleep 1am, 2am, 3am, 4am. I watched it as the time changed. I Didn't sleep at all. Then she got up, I looked at her. She's perfect from the first second of the day rights through to the last. It's fine tho! I'm her best friend. Just a friend just a friend. Nothing I shouldn't be. Then she walked out the bathroom and said "Tay. Come here" had she seen? Shit. I walked up to her and she grabbed my hands "Taylor I know you used my blade." She rolled up my sleeves and sat me on the toilet, I felt extremely insecure having my scars and cuts out on show. She grabbed some creams or something and gently applied them to my fresh cuts. It stung but she was caring for me, and that's all that mattered. "Are you ok?" She asked me with a gentle tone. "Im fine!" That's what I always say. Then I smiled and walked out the room to get changed, I changed and did my hair. In the time I had done that she had done her makeup. She walked out and said in a sarcastic tone "Being this perfect takes time darling!" I giggled. I always laugh at her jokes, even if they aren't funny. It's fine.
                                  *Chapter 4*
We walked into school. Everyone was looking at us. I was confused. Oh no. The boys had probably told everyone. My phone buzzed. I didn't wanna check it but I did. An anonymous account had posted. It said "Taylor June Cuts Herself HAHA!🤣🤣" what- who would post that?! I had been tagged in it. Everyone had commented "haha!" Nobody thought it was wrong. Just funny. People were whispering and a few were chanting "WRIST REVEAL!" And giggling. I was confused and upset. I ran to the bathroom leaving Victoria behind. I stayed there. Skipping 2 lessons. Just sat there. Thinking about it all. Victoria had probably gone to lesson or hanging out with some boys. A teacher walked in. And see me on the floor. "Oh my! Get if the dirty floor now!" I stood up and she saw my red eyes and runny mascara. "What's wrong dear?" I reached into my pocket and showed her the post. "Well who posted that then?" She said, while also looking shocked. "And why would they make that lie up? You don't cut yourself do you Taylor?" I clutched the sleeve of my hoodie I Didn't say anything. She grabbed my arm and pulled my sleeve up. "OH MY GOODNESS TAYLOR!" I stood still. In shock. She Didn't roll my sleeve down. She just dragged me to the "Mental Health" room. As we were rushing down the corridor loads of students saw and were taking pictures. And Victoria was there to. laughing. She wasn't laughing at me! Surely?..