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Chapter 34 - Torn

You could hear Josh sniffling and crying on the other end of the line. "Please, tell me you're serious. Tell me you mean it" He said. You froze, unable to speak, just staring at a heartbroken Jake. Jake didn't speak either, he just stared back at you. "Hello?" Josh prompted you to answer his question. "Josh, I love you. I do. Please just make it home safe" you said before hanging up the phone. You were expecting Jake to walk away and disappear like he always did when he was upset, but he didn't. Jake slowly walked up to you with tears in his eyes and grabbed your hands in his. He was shaking "I love you. Please don't do this." You shifted your weight from one foot to the other and avoided Jake's eye contact. That's when he knew "Oh my God you're serious... why??" You could see it in his eyes, he was breaking in front of you. "I'm sorry." Was all you could manage to say. Jake shook his head in disbelief "What about us? What about me?" He asked, inhaling sharply and letting out a shaky exhale. You cleared your throat and looked down at your feet "Jake, I love him. He has never hurt me the way you have, and I tried to get over it, I really did.... But I just can't." Jake broke down in tears, hanging his head. You reached out to rub his arm, trying to comfort him, but he pulled away. Jake turned his back to you and went inside, not saying a word. You stood alone outside, completely defeated. It was a bittersweet realization, you didn't want to hurt Jake and that broke your heart, but you were so in love with Josh you couldn't help but feel a little bit excited at the thought of finally being with him. In this moment you didn't know what to do, you felt like you couldn't move. You wanted to comfort Jake, but you also wanted to run to Josh. You went inside and grabbed a bottle of vodka from the freezer, making yourself a vodka cran. You cried, sipping your drink slowly and waiting for your cab.

The cab ride back to the hotel seemed longer than it had before. You stared out of the window trying to plan what you were going to say, but you kept coming up empty. Nothing seemed fitting. Once you arrived at the hotel you made your way to Josh's room, just hoping and praying this his girl wouldn't be there. You took a deep breath, trying to calm your nerves before knocking on the door. Within seconds Josh opened it, staring at you with nothing but gratitude in his eyes. Josh stepped back allowing you to enter. You didn't see his girlfriend there and were immediately more relaxed. You both stood in silence for what felt like an eternity before crashing into each other. Josh tightened his arms around you and you grabbed the back of his head, burying your face in his neck and sobbing. Josh still smelled like alcohol and cigarettes. He pulled back "Are you okay?". Josh was so sweet to be caring about you right now, when he was clearly a mess. "I am now." You said, placing your hands on his cheeks. Josh gave you an apologetic smile "I'm sorry" he said. You rubbed his cheeks with your thumbs "Josh please don't be sorry. You and I have always had something special. I'm sorry I didn't realize it earlier." A single tear fell from Josh's eyes "You have no idea what that means to me." Josh walked over to the fridge and began making you both a cocktail. You watched him as he did, staring at his beautiful curly hair, his strong hands, and the shape of his back underneath his shirt. It was like you finally gave yourself the permission to really see Josh the way you had always wanted to. The two of you went on the balcony to share a cigarette and take in every event that had unraveled that evening. Josh sunk into a chair "I can't believe this is happening." he said, shifting his gaze to you "I don't think you understand how in love with you I am.... I always have been." You felt your tummy flip and a warmth filled your chest. You were in awe of him right now. Josh in this dim moon light, smoking, and confessing his love to you was almost more than you could bear. You'd always wanted this. Josh was the sweet, funny, smart, talented man that you never felt good enough for, and here he was doing nothing but loving you. "I missed you." You spoke softly. Josh took a drag of his cigarette "I missed you more Mama. And I'm sorry but I can't imagine my life without you." You gave Josh a stern look "Speaking of that... I can't imagine my life without you either. NO MORE DRINKING AND DRIVING." You emphasized your disdain for his choices. Josh looked down at his feet "I'm sorry. Loving you and not being able to have you took me to a really dark place." You leaned in and kissed his cheek "I'm here now.". Josh turned his head and gently placed his lips on yours, giving you a tender kiss that you could have melted into. He pressed his forehead against yours and your breathing began to synchronize with his. You felt like your heartbeat was so loud that Josh could probably hear it about to beat out of your chest. Josh's phone began to go off, instantly pulling the two of you out of your intense and passionate exchange. Josh stared at his phone and let it ring for a moment, before looking to you for advice "Its my girlfriend..." he said, taking a deep breath. You bit your lip "I honestly think you should answer it." Josh let out a sigh and nodded in agreement. "Hello?" You watched as Josh's face contorted in response to whatever she was saying on the other line. He shifted in his seat, leaning forward and resting his elbow on his knee "I understand and I agree. If that's what you want to do I think you should." You looked at Josh and mouthed the word "what", but he didn't respond, he just looked away. "I love you too. You have to do what's best for you. Talk soon." Josh said, hanging up the phone. You stared at him, waiting for him to tell you what happened. Josh turned to you "She's going to be with Jake." He said with a cautious tone, probably assuming you'd be devastated. "Oh." was the only response you could come up with. You didn't know how you felt about that. In fact you were swimming in a sea of emotions. You were heart broken, jealous, in love, excited, and confused all at the same time. "Are you okay?" Josh asked sweetly, rubbing your knee. "I don't know" you said.