Where Do We Go From Here?

[M][TW] HEART

Dahyun

I'm not sure why I never told her.

Irene made it clear.

"Just a few more years if we won't be able to get a donor."

__

Perhaps, the reason why the truth is so painful to speak is because people tend to run from it, and if it catches up to us, it would definitely be a hard fall to the rocky ground. There will be no cushion when you land.

Even though I thought that I'm ready to let go of my family. Even if I thought that I'm ready for them to forget me. It might not happen until my very last breath.

I lied to myself. Each and every day for the past years, I had lied.

I'd never, not even for a single fucking second, stopped loving Sana.

A world without Sana is very painful.

And I am to blame for everything. I want her to know, I want her to be beside me, but I don't know if I could forgive myself if something happens to her if she learns about the truth.

I admit that I tried to postpone our plans of getting a baby because I found out about my condition. At that point, I already had a lot of appointments with doctors. I went to several hospitals for second, third, fourth and even fifth opinions, but they are all saying the same thing... that I needed a transplant and I only have a few years to get it or else, it would be the end of me. I tried my best to look for exceptional doctors so that I could be with my Sana until the end. But maybe we all have different finish lines.

Everytime that I looked into Sana's eyes, I could feel her excitement about having a baby, and since I only wanted her happiness, I stopped postponing and gave in. Soon enough, Sana gave birth to Jeongwoo.

I was praying so hard that Jeongwoo would not inherit what I had, and during the ultrasounds, I'm always nervous because what if I passed on my illness to my child?

I thought that since everything is good during the check-ups, that it won't happen. So imagine my shock when I found out that Jeongwoo had the same heart problem. The only difference is that we were able to know about it early, to prevent it from worsening.

I was with Irene when it happened. I am having my monthly check up so I was unable to answer the call from Sana. I drove as fast as I could when I finally answered their calls and learned about what happened. Sana was so angry at me when I first arrived, she was frantic and was definitely not herself. She was always this ball of sunshine, so I never thought that she would be the first to succumb to the pain.

Not only did I blame myself for Jeongwoo's condition, I also blamed myself for making Sana feel this pain. If only I was healthy enough, if only I did not subject my child to this weakness, then Sana would not be in pain right now. Sana would still be happy and smiling. Sana, my Sana who's always trying to be strong.

I was unable to talk to her for weeks. She was just staring at everything but me. I was left to tending Jeongwoo, and talking to the doctors. Later on, she told me that she wanted to go to her old house, which I agreed and in exchange, I told her that she needed to see a professional about her feelings. If she would not open up to me, then maybe she would open up to doctors.

By the time that Sana finished her check up, I was informed about her inability to process grief. That her brain would just shut down due to immense fear and the thought of death. Suddenly, I was thrown into an impossible situation.

And I am left with no choice but to continue fighting for the three of us. Alone.

I never told anyone about my condition, because I don't trust them to keep it a secret. I also don't want Sana to be mad at anyone for keeping it from her. I honestly don't know what I wanted to do. I just wanted to shield Sana from any pain for as long as I could, because seeing her like that when she learned about Jeongwoo was like a punch to my gut.