Heaven Sent

Finding yourself

       "What did you just say?" Louis demanded Harry repeat his last words.
     "What hell did my brother ever see in a drunk ass loser like you anyhow?" Harry repeating his words slower this time. 
  Lou's nostrils flared and his eyes went wild. "What did he see? You really want to know what he saw," Lou gripped up the front of Harry's Armoni button down shirt and looked him deadly calm in the eyes.
     "In this fuckin drunk pathetic looser?" Still holding onto Harry's shirt, he forced him to walk backwards towards the couch and threw him on his back. 
     Climbing on top of him to sit on his hips, Lou was on a mission, and nothing is going to stop him. He took Harry's wrists and pinned them above his head. Keeping his cool knowing that Lou is completely drunk and out of his right mind, and didn't really want to hurt him because of the stage he was in.
   Harry told him. "Louis get off of me. This isn't going to happen the way you want it to." 
    Louis wasn't listening to him as he smashed his lips down onto Harry's, his tongue demanding entrance.  It took Harry a split second to realize that his own tongue wanted Lou's.  
     Breaking the kiss again. "Louis you're drunk. Get the hell off of me." Harry said with more force than the last time, feeling Lou's hand release his right hand, only to be locked in by the one still holding his left. The free hand found its way sliding slowly up between the inside of Harry's legs now. 
      "Lou what are you doing? I'm not gay. Get off of me." Harry's calm deminer was fading fast, as his defenses started to kick in. 
       "Then why is your body telling me different?" Lou growled at him as he laid his hand over the hardness that was betraying Harry and making his jeans tighter with every touch Lou gave him. 
   Louis undid the button on them then slid the zipper down laughing as Harry sighed at the little bit of relief it gave to him. Harry started to squirm but for a little guy Louis was very powerful and easily held him in place with his body. 
   "Want to see what your brother taught me?" Lou said to him in such a low voice Harry didn't understand him even though it was right into his ear, but he felt the lift of his waist band of his boxers off of either side of his hips as a hand clenched both his boxers and his jeans then quickly yanked both of them off, taking his shoes along with them then chucked to the floor. 
     Harry was beyond pissed off now. "Lou seriously GET THE FUCK OFF OF ME!" He screamed right in Lou's face. Drunk or not Harry wasn't up for Lou's little game anymore. This is going beyond not being in your right state of mind just because you're grieving and been drinking. 
      Still not listening and probably not even hearing him, being lost in his own little world by now, Lou shoved Harry's knees farther apart as he positioned himself between them. 
    "ENOUGH!" Harry's deep booming voice yelled out as he pushed his body against Lou's chest to get him off of him. But Lou wasn't having it and went to lock his lip onto Harry's neck, distracting him as he pulled his sweatpants down. His right hand reaching down to the floor to find the lube he dropped there earlier, opening it, then squirt almost half the bottle into his hand. He spread it all over his own painful hard on, trying not to give into his own strokes as he did so.
    What Lou was doing to Harry's neck was beyond affecting him more than Harry wanted to admit. "Please Louis." Harry said in a straining calmer voice, trying to get Lou to listen to him.             "I'm not gay. This... This isn't going to work." Harry stuttered out but gave into Lou a little more every time Lou ran his tongue over Harry's skin. Lou stopped and looked at Harry for a split second, making Harry think he finally got through to him. Lou was not seeing Harry's eyes though; he was seeing Christopher's. Slowly letting go of Harry's hands and he lowered his lips down to Harry's. It was deep and it was passionate, and it took Harry's breath away once again. Never in his life did Harry ever felt something so wanting in a kiss before. Lou missed this. He missed Chris so much. He was only showing him just how much. 
      Harry's senses were firing left and right. Making him so confused but the reaction his body was given in to Lou was something his body was craving desperately for. He was pulled between completely shoving Lou off of him and beating his ass, then running out of the door, to giving in to what seemed like what his body screamed for. His decision was made for him though as he felt the most incredible pain he's ever felt in his life, shoot through his entire body. 
      "LOU! LOUIS! WHAT THE FUCK?" Harry was trying to say to him, but Lou was beyond gone and so far, deep into Harry there was no reality left for him. He started to pull out a little then push back in in small strides at first. Harry started to panic as Lou pushed into him farther. The pain was overwhelming as Harry once again tried to get Lou away from him, but Lou had him nice and secured under him and was back on his neck. 
        Harry gave up on struggling and tried to calm down to think, but the more he thought about what was going on, the more it made him focus on just what exactly Lou was doing to him. The pain began it decimate a little, giving Harry more of a chance to calm down and the pleasure to take over. 
   'This isn't right. What the actual fuck is going on.' The confusion wouldn't let Harry think straight. He clenched his ass muscles tighter almost trying to push Lou out of him. But the more he clenched the more the pain he put himself in. Fear started to build up in him as he finally grabbed Lou's hips to stop him. 
    "Love you have to relax," Lou said to him, "you are so tight i can't move." 
    "Louis I can't do this." Harry now pleaded with him as tears from all the pain, rolled down his cheeks. 
     "Shhh calm down love," Lou whispered to him and began to let his fingers run up and down Harry's body. Not moving inside, him for fear of ripping him open inside, he instead played with Harry's earlobes with his tongue as he mouthed kisses and little bites into all the places, he knew that would make Harry moan.
         "I have missed this so much. Please don't ever leave me again. I can't breathe without you near me."  Lou started to tell Harry while planting more feathery light kisses on him that just barely brushed against Harry's skin. 
         That's when it really all occurred to Harry. Lou wasn't trying to just fuck him. Lou was trying to make love to Christopher. His heart sank in sadness at the way Lou was trying to plead with him not to ever leave him again. He could truly feel just how much Lou missed him and how his death affected him. 
           "Lou." Harry said as lifted Lou's face to really look at him. "Lou, i am not Christopher. Chris died Lou. He's dead and won't be coming back Lou." Lou just blinked at him as he stared, not fully understanding what Harry was trying to tell him. 
         'God his eyes are breath taking like this.' Harry thought as he stared back into Lou's watery eyes.
    "Chris is dead Lou." He said again and watched as the first tear fell out of a pool of blue and without thinking about what he was doing, Harry pulled Lou's face to him and kissed it away.            With all his own built-up sadness over losing his twin brother Harry said with the utmost sincerity, "I cannot replace him for you, Lou. He's gone. He left the both of us behind."
    Lou was listening to him finally as the tears started to roll down his cheeks, one after another slowly at first. 
    "Christopher is gone Lou. Please understand what i am trying to tell you." Harry pleaded quietly to him now with both hands holding his head.
   The pain in Lou wanted so desperately to get out, Harry could actually see it. The built up bubble of anguish, sadness, confusion, fear, and loneliness was just screaming to be popped and finally set free so Lou can move on, but Lou was stubborn and wouldn't let it go without a fight. Harry's own feelings had had enough though as he let his own tears fall freely down his cheeks over his brother and Lou. 
         He took Lou into his arms and held him to his chest in a tight hug. He held on to Lou until he felt Lou's whole body just give out and he started to really cry. Finally, he let the bubble pop and a wave of relief washed over him.  Lou was still inside of Harry as the pain and misery of no longer having Chris finally hit him like a ton of bricks. Never has he felt so broken and vulnerable as he was right now. Never did he need someone to just hold him as Harry was doing for him right now. Not when his parents died. Not even when his uncle died. He loved them all deeply but the love he had for Chris was different and it hit him differently. 
        Harry ran his fingers through Lou's shaggy brown hair as they both just laid there, on the couch, and let it all out holding on to each other.  He fully understood how much Chris meant to Lou now and was guilt-stricken that he never got to know this, Chris. Lou's Chris grew up and changed. He wasn't the waste he was before. But it was too late now, and the guilt grew heavier on Harry.
        He lifted Lou's face off of his chest to look at him again. Lou was wrecked but the bubble he had, had now finally gone.
     "I get it now, Lou." He said with empathy in his voice. "I get it." Louis tried to give him a small smile, but the tears started again. 
       Harry was quick to catch the next sob out of Lou's mouth with his own lips this time. He submitted to his own bodies wants and needs of Louis as he slowly and deeply kissed him, they both were feeling it all the way down to their toes. He accepted the love Lou was trying to give him the way he gave it to Christopher so freely. When Louis began to move inside of Harry again it was no longer as painful as it was before. Lou was taking his time. The feeling of loving Harry was overwhelming him. Loving his warmth. Loving his embrace. No longer was the urge to concur him. No longer was his need of someone so bad that it physically hurt. Harry might have looked exactly like Chris, but he didn't feel like him. Harry didn't smell like Chris. Harry did not kiss like Chris, but damn if Lou did not want him just as much as he ever wanted Chris.
   Harry succumbed to Lou when his own bubble let itself go, as he began to lift his hips off the couch to move with Louis. A whole new waved of different feelings washed over him. The pain was raw pleasure now. pleasure he wanted more of as he opened his legs up more, allowing Lou to go deeper within him. Soon neither of them bothered to hold back the noises that were being let go from somewhere farther inside, as Lou still kept his slow and steady pace.  
          Before being able to let Louis know he was about to make things a little dirtier for them both, Harry came apart between him and Lou. Even more of a surprise to him was that Louis didn't even seem to mind. In fact, he just genuinely smiled at Harry and kissed him. Rocking faster and a lot harder now on the balls of his feet, Lou hit his own high and came in tiny jerks inside of Harry. Before he pulled out, he kissed Harry again as if to thank him, then collapsed on top of him. Harry just laughed at him. Half out of relief and half out of happiness for him and Lou both. He hugged him again and laid there trying to just clear his mind. 
     "Louis as much as i am surprisingly enjoying this, i have to pee." Lou didn't answer him though. "Lou," Harry nudged him and moved his hair off his forehead, "I have to pee." Harry smiled as it occurred to him that Lou was passed out cold. The alcohol and emotional exhaustion finally catching up to him. He slowly moved out from under Lou and put both his legs on the couch. He pulled the blanket off the back to cover him, then stood up to picked up his clothes and shoes off the floor and went into the bathroom. 
        Cleaning himself up with a wet towel and getting dressed, after going pee, Harry walked back out to the living room and knelt down next to Lou. "What have you done to me?" He said to him as he ran his fingers through Lou's sweaty hair. So many things were running through his head at the moment. Things he could not understand. New things he wanted to explore and know about. Old things he did not want to lose or stop doing. He bent down and kissed Lou's forehead, then walked out of the front door. He needed sometime to figure out the literal new mess that was in his own head now. So, he got into his rental car and just drove. Not knowing where he was going or even knew where he was any more. 

   Lou woke up with a massive headache (which by now he was getting used to having) and went to stand up and walk to the bathroom, but his sweatpants still around his ankles only made him fall to the floor. Groggy as hell, he carefully stood back up and pulled his sweatpants on again, only to trip over the bottle of lube. He picked it up, and put the lid back on it, then put it on the coffee table. He walked into the bathroom smelling his hand and laughed. 
      "Ah so that's what i was doing last night. Must have been good if i passed out before i could even pull my sweats up again." Lou pulled open the front of his sweats to see his dick laying tiredly to the right side. Pulling it out to pee he started to talk to it. "Did we have a little too much fun last night little guy that i wore both of us out?" Lou laughed again as he let the front of his sweats snap close around his waist when he was done. That's when a puff of smell off his lower body hit his nostrils and it wasn't just sweat and dried cum, he was smelling. 
   Looking to his bathroom sink he noticed the towel; he picked it up trying to remember why he left it there in the first place. Usually, he would have thrown it in the clothes hamper next to the closet. 
     'Wait why is there long brown hairs?' Lou wondered as he looked back in the bowl. 
    "Christopher?" Lou said out loud confused. He began to look around the bathroom and found more hair on the floor. Lou put his hands on the sink to steady himself before he almost passed out.
    'Chris is back? But where is he?' Lou thought as he began yelling out for Chris and going from room to room, not even noticing the mess in the kitchen.
    "Ha Ha really funny Chris. Your game got me. You can come out now. It's been going on for too long now."
   Louis was yelling trough out the whole house before opening the front door and running for the bar now in a panic, to look for Christopher. The bar doors were still locked, but he knocked anyway, thinking maybe Chris locked them from the inside. There was no answer, so he flew around to the back steps that lead into the hallway of the second floor apartments and started to bang on Ed and Niall's door. Niall opened it still half asleep looking as Lou, who was in a full blown frantic mode, burst into the living room.
    "Dude pretty sure it's illegal for a landlord to just bust into a tenets apartment like that." Ed said jokingly to him from the couch. 
  "Is he here?"
  "Who Lou?"
  "Christopher!"
  "Um, Lou are you okay?"
   "Where's Chris, Niall?"
    Niall walked up to Louis slowly, "Lou, Chris died last month."
     "No, he didn't he was with me last night. Look!" He said as he shoved the towel towards Niall. Niall noticed the long brown hairs on it and immediately told Ed to go get Liam. 
    "Where did you get this from?"
    "My bathroom sink when i woke up about ten minutes ago. Christopher knows better to leave towels and hair in the sink. It drives me crazy."
     "Wait there's long brown hairs in the sink to?"
      "Yeah, two of them. Why else would i be bitching about them if they weren't there?"
   Just then Ed came back with Liam and they both walked up to Niall to ask what was going on. Niall was telling them about the long brown hair and the towel in the sink while Louis was looking For Christopher in the apartment. 
    "Not funny anymore Love, you're starting to piss me off now. Come out if you're in here." Louis was shouting out through the apartment. 
Liam came up to Lou and wrapped his arms around him the best he could. 
  "Oh, good morning to you to Liam." Louis said as he hugged him back. "Have you seen My Christopher this morning? I didn't notice if his truck was outside or not." Lou asked pulling away from him a little to try to look out of the window. 
   "Lou, Christopher was killed last month. Remember he died in your arms?" Liam tried to say it as delicately as possible, so he didn't put Louis into even more of a panic. 
    "What? No, he didn't Liam. We had sex last night. He is not dead. Lou was trying to be serious but ended up laughing at Liam for his silliness. 
    All three of them just stood and stared at Louis. 
    "Lou," Liam tried again, "Chris is dead. We buried him under the willow tree across the creek. Remember?" 
  Louis looked at him deadly serious as he stared him down, "Liam i had sex with Chris on my couch last night. Here smell my dick!" Louis opened his pants and as much as he didn't want to, any of them wanted to for that matter, they all could smell it on Lou as he snapped his waist band again. 
    "See told ya so." Lou laughed. "Now stop hiding him and tell me where he is."
   Liam looked to Niall, Niall looked to Ed, Ed looked at Liam. None of them knew what to say. 
    "Long brown hair in the sink?" Niall said as the light bulb in his head got bigger. "HARRY!?!"
    "He wouldn't." Ed said unsure.
     "Harry was a little drunk when he left your apartment early last night." Liam told them both. 
     "Would Harry come to the house though?" Ed asked.
     "He has before but Ludo and Toothless stopped him." Niall said smirking a little. 
      "Yeah, they were already in the garage when i came home.  Guess Louis knew he was going to be drinking himself silly again. Ed said shaking his head. 
  Naill walked over to Lou and asked him, "Louis did Harry come over to the house last night?"
     "Yeah, and the fucker pissed me off again. I grabbed him up by his shirt and ........." Louis stopped as parts of what happened last night started to come back to him.
   Nial asked him again about Harry. "Lou did you have sex with Harry last night?" 
   Louis went to open his mouth to deny it but closed it again as the tears of realization rolled down his cheek. He looked up to his friends as his eyes rolled up into his head and his body dropped to the floor before any of them could catch him. 
  Liam ran back up to his apartment to grab his medical bag and his set of keys. He took out the blood pressure cuff and checked Lou's pulse as he was pumping it up on Lou's arm. Everything checked out as Liam asked Ed to pick Lou up and put him on Niall's bed. His being the closest bedroom to them. Liam then took out a smelling salt to wake him up. 
    "You're awake? Good morning. Sleep well this time?"  Niall tried to act like nothing happened, but Lou started asking to many questions about why he was in Niall's bed. 
 Out of nowhere Lou just asked, "Did i really have sex with Harry last night?" 
      "Although it seems that way, we honestly do not know Louis." Ed said to him. 
      "Look stay in bed, Niall and Ed are going to cook you some breakfast to soke up some of that alcohol still in your system and i will be right back. 
    "But i....." 
    "Do not fight me on this Lou or you will lose." Liam told him in his protector deep voice and Louis knew better to say anything back to him when he talked like that. 
   "Don't let him leave that bed. Got it!" Liam told Ed and Niall as he ran out of their apartment door, and down the apartment steps that lead to the bar. He unlocked it and went straight to the office door. He unlocked that and sat down to look over last night's security cameras. Sure, enough around 8pm It showed Harry walking fine going through the fence gate, and right up to Lou's front door. It showed Harry knocking and the front door opening then Harry just walking in. As Liam fast forward the footage, about four hours later, the video showed a disheveled Harry looking a little worried and walking a little funny, as he locked Lou's front door and then his front wooden gate. He got in his car very slowly like he was in some kind of pain and drove away. 
     "I am going to kill him." Liam roared as he slammed his fists into the desk making the things on it fall over. Taking a deep breath, he got up and fixed the things on the desk. Locking both doors again behind him as went up the stairs shaking his head in disbelief at what he had just saw. Once back in the apartment Liam asked Ed and Niall to come over to talk to him. He told them what he had saw on the security cameras and they were both just shocked. 
    "I did not even know Harry was gay." Niall was the first to speak. 
    "I don't think he was, until last night." Ed replied to him.
     "Well, something happened and he's not here to deal with the after math. Just like his brother the first time Lou was with him. Assholes the both of them." Liam spit out.  
      "What?" Niall and Ed both looked at him in confusion and asked. 
     "Christopher and Louis meant and had sex in the back room the first night they meant." Liam began.
    "I thought they meant at the Heaven Sent meeting?" Naill inquired. 
    "No, about a month, month and a half before that. Chris walked into the bar looking lost and Lou fell hard for him. They ended up having sex and Christopher passed out in the booth afterwards waiting for Lou to close the bar up. We just took him up to the first apartment to sleep it off, but he just disappeared after that only to show up at the meeting a month later. He said he had to leave for work but i still think it was bullshit, almost two years later. Just like his twin. I should have known." Ed and Niall were once again at a loss for words at what they were being told. 
    "Liam, can i get out of bed now? I really have to pee." Louis begged him from the bedroom. 
    "Finish your breakfast first." He answered him. "I'll go in and talk to him.      

     Liam came in and sat down on Niall's bed.
    "I betrayed him Liam. How could i do that? He's only been gone about a month and i am already sleeping with someone else. I am totally scum Li. Total scum."
    "Louis, you must have been drunk as hell. He looks and somewhat acts exactly like Christopher. You thought he was really him. You weren't having sex with Harry; in your mind he was Chris. This is a very strange situation and i am not sure what really to say to you or how to handle it, but you for sure did not betray Christopher. You two both just kinda fucked up and i am not sure how this is going to turn out. Why did he come over to your house to begin with?"

    "I hate him, Liam."
    "Hate who?"
    "Chris. he left me."
    "Louis Christopher did not leave you. He had no choice but to go. He was taken from you."
    "I hate Harry too. I can't help my feelings or myself when i am around him. I know he's not Chris but then in some ways he looks at me or certain things he says. I can't help but see Christopher. "
    "When Niall and i took him to Wonderland, Throttle, and the Sinkhole, it was like hanging out with Chris all over again. I know it's freaky."
    "You took him to Christopher's places? Who said you could?"
    "No one. Did not know i needed permission to take someone to a public place last time i checked."
    "Whatever." Louis just said and tried to end the conversation, but Liam wouldn't let it go.
    "Harry is hurting just as much as you are Louis, whether you want to hear it or not. Christopher was the last one in his family he had left, since his parents died. He knows he messed up, but he had his reasons to do what he did, and he extremely regrets them now."
    "Yeah, he wants the companies he doesn't care about Chris."
    "That's not true Louis. He has ten of his own to deal with already. Maybe get to know him?"
    "I do not want to, Liam. Every time i am near him it kills me. All i see is Chris."
    "You told me when you first got with Chris to give him a chance and look how that turned out. I am asking for you to give Harry a chance. How messed up do you think he is? He just had sex with his dead twin brother's fiancé which happened to be his first gay sex experience. Louis this is like a Lifetime movie for Christ sakes."
    "You really think i was his first?"
    "Ah yeah, he's been with Allison since he was like 17/ 18 years old. Louis you had twins. Most people would die to have an experience like that."
    "They weren't together Liam." Louis reminded him,
    "No, but still. TWINS!"
    "I wish i could remember it."
   Liam and Louis just laughed.
    "Come on, let's go eat."


   Harry drove, he did not care where he was going either. His head was so messed up at the moment." What the hell just happened? Like seriously. What the hell just happened. One minute they were fighting the next Lou was making love to me?" Harry was asking himself out loud.
    "Harry it wasn't you he was making love to it was Christopher."
    "Yeah, but it felt so real."
    "Why did you let him do it?"
    "Why did my body respond to it.
    "Oh, what the hell!" He screamed.
    "I am not attracted to men. I have always liked women. But Lou. Louis! What is it about him? He's Christopher's!"
    "It is wrong. So very wrong."
   Harry hit the gas petal and the car raced forward down whatever back country road he was on. He opened all the windows as the freezing air blasted over him, he turned the radio way up and just got lost in the music. He stuck his left hand out of the open window and let his hand just ride the wind.
   The constant texts and phone calls killed it all though.
    "Hello Allison. What can i do for you now?" Harry said not caring how annoyed he sounded towards her.
    "Where the hell are you?" She shrieked into the phone. "I want to go out. Stop what you are doing and come and get me."
    "Afraid i cannot do that."
    "And why not? You better come and get me right now." She demanded again.
    "I'll tell you what Hun. Rent a car, go shopping, get your hair, and your nails done. I do not care. I am going away for a couple of days."
    "Where are you going? Like hell you are leaving me here by myself."
    "You are a big girl. I am sure you will survive without me for a few days."
    "Harry, so help me god if you do not come and............."
Harry hung up on her. He then put his phone on 'Do Not Disturb' mode and turned the radio up even louder. He still did not know where he was going but he also did not care.