✔︎𝐠𝐡𝐨𝐬𝐭 𝐨𝐟 𝐲𝐨𝐮 || 𝐘𝐚𝐧𝐠 𝐉𝐞𝐨𝐧𝐠𝐢𝐧

17. The Night we met

A/N: I recommend the song "The Night We Met" by Lord Huron for this chapter

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'I had all, and then most of you, some and now...?'

...

'Take me back to the night we met...'

And those words of agony kept ringing into my head that morning, the morning where the dark clouds covered the sky, my figure still wrapped in the cold sheets of my bed.

My mind was lost, lost in the thoughts of him, my boy, who I cared about more than anyone. Lost in the memories of the old, good days where we used to enjoy our days, me and him together, without any pain and any fear. But what did we have now? What was left for us? Maybe just the prayers for him to leave that damn hospital bed, or the tears that kept running through my face every time I thought about him.

And I couldn't help but wish we could just turn back time to the moment we met, when we were still young and innocent, when we didn't know what love actually was.

But now that I knew, now that I realized that for the first time I had fallen in love with someone, what was I supposed to do? Was I supposed to tell him, or would it have been easier if I just pretended my feelings didn't exist? But I just couldn't pretend, not now that I realized I couldn't live without him, and at the same time I couldn't live with him being just a friend, and nothing more.

What was I supposed to do?

And if that wasn't enough, I was scared. Scared about his health, and how bad it could have become.

So I just stayed in my bed, crying my tears off and wishing to turn back time, where everything was easier.

But then, right when I started feeling my head spinning because of how hard I was crying, I remembered Jeongin's mother's words.

'If you have to tell something to Jeongin, you should really do it as soon as possible.

I mentally smiled, asking myself if she had already figured out that I had feelings for her son. And I couldn't help but think about how he'd react if I actually told him. How would he react if Y/n, his cold and heartless friend, told him that she had fallen in love with someone? And that someone was exactly him.

Maybe he would have been shocked, maybe embarrassed, maybe scared. Or maybe, just maybe... happy? Just thinking about it made me blush and, lowkey, cringe. But what if he actually felt the same way I did? What if he liked me as well?

I didn't have any clue, but maybe Mrs. Yang was right, I should have told him as fast as I could, just to let him know that he was not alone, and that I wouldn't have left him for no reason at all. After all, why couldn't an 'I love you' become a 'Thank you for all you did, I will always be by your side'?

Wait, so I'm really going to tell him? Just the thought made my heart drop, but I had nothing to lose. But, oh, of course, I would have never been brave enough to tell him face to face, I could already see me shuttering in front of his hospital bed. That couldn't have been even an option. But maybe with a letter...

Just the thought of it made me jump out of my bed. And I didn't even know why, usually I wasn't into that kind of stuff, and for sure a cheesy love letter shouldn't have made me feel that way. But there I was, sitting on my desk, printing my feelings towards him on the white paper.

And it should have been so difficult for me, who had never known how to express my feelings. But instead, the pen kept slipping from one side to another of the paper, forming letters, then words, then sentences, a long poem just to tell him a simple thing. That I loved him.

When I finished writing the letter, I looked at it for long minutes, reading and re-reading it all over again. And it looked perfect, I didn't even know how to explain it, but on that meaningless piece of paper there was printed every single thing I wanted him to know. And I had to give it to him right then, before I could regret writing those cheesy words.

So I ran under the summer rain, not caring if I got wet. I wanted to reach him so badly, like I never did before, even though my legs were shaking and I was scared as hell.

I wanted him to know.

I wanted him to, just for a moment, turn back to when we were happy and innocent.

And while my feet hit the many puddles, all the memories of me and him came back to me. From when we used to play in the playground the two of us being just two happy children, to the long caresses we used to give each other in that hospital room, so full of love, yet we couldn't know that.

Thinking at the way we used to hold hands and be there for each other, without even realizing that what was keeping us together was pure love. Without even realizing none of us would have ever been able to live without the other.

The moment I arrived at the hospital, I felt my heart skip a beat, scared but excited at the same time. Following the long hallways, looking at my feet and not being able to hold a light smile. I was so happy back then, so ready to love him with all my heart, even if he'd have rejected me. I was ready to love him either way. So why did he decide to break my heart the way he did?

Am I selfish? Am I selfish if I think that he had been really mean to me, just a young girl in love? Am I selfish if I'm still mad at the way he decided to leave me? I don't really care if he thinks otherwise. I don't really care if he thinks I'm wrong. Because I was in love, and nothing is right when you're in love.

And I still can't forgive him for the way he let me run upstairs, not even imagining what was going on in his room. And I still can't forgive him for the way he let me come closer to that white room, realizing something was wrong the moment I saw the heavy door already open and heard a few nurses asking his parents to leave the room, but they couldn't hear them, probably because of their loud sobs.

And the moment I stepped into his room I saw him. Yes, I saw his face, not joyful as I knew it, not smiling or laughing. It was pale and relaxed, maybe a little too much relaxed.

And surrounded by his parent's screams, surrounded by the nurses asking all of us to leave, I lost control of my body. I could just stare at his still figure, so pretty and yet so scary. And I wanted to throw up, I wanted to pass out, I wanted to wake up and realize it was just a bad dream.

Because for the first time in my life, he didn't greet me with his big smile and sweet words. For the first time, he decided not to be there for me.

Because my heart was hurting so bad.

While his wasn't beating anymore.

'Take me back to the night we met'.