✔︎𝐠𝐡𝐨𝐬𝐭 𝐨𝐟 𝐲𝐨𝐮 || 𝐘𝐚𝐧𝐠 𝐉𝐞𝐨𝐧𝐠𝐢𝐧

17. The Night we met

A/N: I recommend the song "The Night We Met" by Lord Huron for this chapter

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'I had all, and then most of you, some and now...?'

...

'Take me back to the night we met...'

And those words of agony kept ringing in my head that morning, the morning when dark clouds covered the sky and my body was still wrapped in the cold sheets of my bed.

My mind was lost, lost in thoughts of him, my boy, the one I cared about more than anyone. Lost in the memories of the good old days when we used to enjoy our time together, without pain or fear. But what did we have now? What was left for us? Maybe just prayers for him to get out of that damn hospital bed, or the tears that kept streaming down my face every time I thought about him.

I couldn't help but wish we could turn back time to when we first met, when we were still young and innocent, when we didn't even know what love was.

But now that I knew, now that I realized I had fallen in love for the first time, what was I supposed to do? Was I supposed to tell him, or would it have been easier to pretend these feelings didn't exist? But I couldn't pretend, not now that I realized I couldn't live without him, and at the same time, I couldn't bear the thought of being just his friend, nothing more.

What was I supposed to do?

And as if that weren't enough, I was terrified. Terrified for his health, for how bad it might have gotten.

So, I stayed in bed, crying, wishing I could turn back time to when everything was simpler.

But then, just as I started feeling light-headed from how hard I was crying, I remembered Jeongin's mother's words.

'If you have something to tell Jeongin, you should really do it as soon as possible'.

I mentally smiled, wondering if she had already figured out that I had feelings for her son. And I couldn't help but imagine how he'd react if I actually told him. How would he react if Y/n, his cold and distant friend, told him she had fallen in love? And that the person she loved was him.

Maybe he would be shocked, maybe embarrassed, maybe scared. Or maybe, just maybe... happy? The thought alone made me blush and cringe a little. But what if he felt the same way I did? What if he liked me too?

I had no idea, but maybe Mrs. Yang was right. I should tell him, just to let him know he wasn't alone, that I wouldn't leave him for anything. After all, why couldn't an "I love you" also mean, "Thank you for everything. I'll always be by your side"?

Wait, was I really going to tell him? Just the thought made my heart race, but I had nothing to lose. Of course, I could never be brave enough to tell him face-to-face, I could already imagine myself stuttering in front of his hospital bed. That wasn't even an option. But maybe... a letter?

Just the thought made me jump out of bed. I didn't even know why. Usually, I wasn't into that kind of thing, and a cheesy love letter shouldn't have made me feel this way. But there I was, sitting at my desk, pouring my feelings for him onto the white paper.

It should have been so difficult for me, someone who never knew how to express emotions. But instead, the pen glided across the page, forming letters, then words, then sentences, an entire poem just to say one simple thing: that I loved him.

When I finished the letter, I stared at it for long minutes, reading and re-reading it. It looked perfect. I couldn't explain it, but on that small, seemingly meaningless piece of paper was everything I wanted him to know. And I had to give it to him right then, before I regretted writing those cheesy words.

So, I ran through the summer rain, not caring if I got soaked. I wanted to reach him so badly, like I never had before, even though my legs were shaking and I was scared out of my mind.

I wanted him to know.

I wanted him, just for a moment, to go back with me to when we were happy and innocent.

As my feet splashed through the puddles, memories of him and me came flooding back. From when we played on the playground as happy children, to the gentle touches we shared in that hospital room, full of love, though we hadn't known it yet.

I thought about how we used to hold hands and be there for each other, without realizing that what was keeping us together was pure love. Without realizing that neither of us could live without the other.

When I arrived at the hospital, my heart skipped a beat. I was both terrified and excited. As I walked through the long hallways, staring at my feet, I couldn't help but smile lightly. I was so happy then, so ready to love him with all my heart, even if he rejected me. I was ready to love him no matter what.

So why did he have to break my heart the way he did?

Am I selfish? Am I selfish for thinking he was cruel to me, a girl who was just in love? Am I selfish for still being mad at the way he decided to leave me? I don't care if he thinks otherwise. I don't care if he thinks I'm wrong. Because I was in love, and when you're in love, nothing is right.

And I still can't forgive him for letting me run upstairs, not knowing what was happening in his room. I still can't forgive him for letting me approach that white door, realizing something was wrong the moment I saw it already open, and heard the nurses asking his parents to leave the room—though they couldn't hear them, probably because of their loud sobs.

And when I stepped into his room, I saw him. Yes, I saw his face, not joyful like I knew it, not smiling or laughing. It was pale and still, maybe too still.

Surrounded by his parents' cries, surrounded by nurses telling us to leave, I lost control of my body. All I could do was stare at his motionless figure, so beautiful and yet so terrifying. I wanted to throw up, I wanted to pass out, I wanted to wake up and realize it was all a bad dream.

Because for the first time in my life, he didn't greet me with his big smile and sweet words. For the first time, he wasn't there for me.

Because my heart was hurting so bad.

While his wasn't beating anymore.

'Take me back to the night we met'.