ALL OUT OF LOVE

Chapter 16

Engagement

Every time I will speak up about the thoughts i am having, pain i am having i am always invalidated. as though my feelings are not important for them to hear. that's how i learned to keep it all to myself until i cry myself to sleep or out of nowhere.  Unable to stop because it is so painful. Why is it so painful? why can't i stop crying? what am i crying for? am i just dramatic? am i lazy? then later i'll find myself invalidating my own feelings as a result thinking why am i crying when i never had it rough like them? when i am lazy? when i didn't have to experience all the bad things people are experiencing right now? when there are so many people suffering out there. why am i crying just because i feel like i can't express myself? just because i am invalidated that my feelings are being invalidated, just because i feel horrible?

di nya ako inimikan kahit na ang rami kong mga sinabi, kumalma ako nang malapit narin ako sa paroroonan. He already know where to drop me, di na nya ako kailangan tanungin at di ko na sya kailangan pang kausapin

everything on this day didn't go as smoothly as i expected, Iritado ako at di mapakali. i expected this day to be an another ordinary day, a simple and fast day. pero kabaliktaran ng lahat ng yon ang nang yari ngayong araw kaya nakakainis

Nakatayo naman na ang bahay, May gusto lang akong idagdag at ayusin pero sa totoo lang ay maayos naman na ito lalo't pansamantala lamang. This is not our permanent house, the permanent house has to be like a Mansion of course. I sat down at tinitigan ang mga pinamili kong halaman, ngayon lang pumasok sa isipan ko na dito kami titira ni Lucas once na makasal kami. Kaming dalawa lamang

i'll wipe the dust in every corner of the cabinet, clean the house, wash the dishes and our clothes, Mag luto ng ulam araw araw at mamalengke narin, raise our kids and wait for my husband every night.

i bit my lower lip and look down. I can't imagine doing that. I can't imagine living in this house doing all sort of things a good wife will do

"Hindi" wika ko nang magising sa diwa ko, tumayo ako at umiling.

Di ko maimagine yon pero ayos lang dahil iyon ang mang yayari. masasanay rin ako at mapag aaralan ko rin ang mga gawaing bahay, makakapag adjust din ako kalaunan, matututo din ako.

tama. Mapag aaralan ko rin ang magiging panibagong buhay ko

i ignore all my thoughts, Nang mag gabi ay sinundo ako ni Lucas sa bahay namin papunta sa Mansiyon, napag usapan narin naming paunti unti na naming dadalhin ang mga gamit namin sa bahay na titirhan namin, Lucas promised that everything will be slow to help me adjust myself into the situation. Alam nyang hirap akong mag adjust agad agad, alam nyang hindi madali ang lahat sakin kaya binabagalan nya ang lahat sa abot ng kanyang makakaya to help me slowly accept my situation

Tita with proud eyes look at us, endearly. admiring us while Lucas is telling them the plan while eating dinner. Caspian is not here right now, Nasa bahay nila sya ngayon matutulog. At baka di na bumalik dito

sa paraang iyon ay mas mabuti ngang wag na syang bumalik dito.

I am not worth it to fight for. we wouldn't work no matter how hard we try, hindi parin talaga, there is just so many things to sacrifice, many things to change, many people will suffer and object. there's so many complications. tapos sa huli di parin talaga kami para sa isa't isa. We are just wasting our time kung ganoon nga, Maigi narin to. Para wala nang sayangan ng oras na magaganap

and this way, everything will be smoother.

kinabukasan ay wala rin akong natanggap na kahit anong balita mula kay Caspian, kinabukasan uli non ay napag alamanan kong pumunta syang Maynila ayon kay Lucas, di ko alam kung ilang araw sya ron, o uuwi paba yon dito. ilang araw ang lumipas at wala ni singkong duling paramdam si Caspian, di ko alam anong dapat maramdaman. hiningi ko to sakanya, ang tantanan ako. pero bat di ako natutuwa ngayong tinantanan nya nga ako