ALL OUT OF LOVE

Chapter 22

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"What-" he look shock, how to react, how to take my words, how to respond

pinaupo ko muna sya

i smiled to assure him but i am shaking and on the verge of crying "Sabihin na natin sakanila"

hindi sya umimik. yumuko ako nang tumulo ang luha saaking mata, hawak ko parin ang kamay nya. when i said that to him i want to look happy, not this way. crying and shaking.  

"hindi kita minamadali-"

"Alam ko."

suminghap sya. iniisip nyang napipilitan ako dahil sa inirireak ko ngayon kaya huminga ako ng malalim at nag angat muli ng tingin. Binitawan ko sya para ayusin ang sarili

i look around. kami lang ang nandito

"kaya kong mag hintay Razeenah, hindi natin kailangan gawin ito ngayon." ani sa mahinahon at maawtoridad nyang paraan

i lick my lower lip

"sinasaktan kita"

his lips parted. may kumurot muli sa puso ko nang makumpirma ko yon sakanya

i know now that i indeed hurting him by letting him witness all of this, by being my tiny little secret.

i know for a fact he doesn't want that for himself. He is Caspian. he doesn't deserve to be a secret.

"it is now or never Caspian. malapit na ang kasal, nahihirapan narin tayo. i want to be with you, i always want to be with you pero hindi pwede kasi baka hanapin ako, baka hanapin ka. we can't be seen together, you don't know how many times i forced myself not to hold your hand during breakfast, dinner.  kiss you out of nowhere, be near to you, hold you, hug you.." i stop to breath then continue "I love you Caspian. i love you so much.."

he didn't speak. namumula ang mata nya lang na pinag salikop ang kamay naming dalawa. he kissed my hand, and he rest his forehead on our hands intertwined together

nag desisyon kaming we will say it tommorow by dinner, ngayon ay nag paalam syang maraming kailangan gawin 'he has a plan for that moment matagal na. kaya kong sabihing pinag handaan nya ang lahat. he is just waiting for it to occur,  and i honestly feel so thankful dahil sakanya, he always make me feel safe in his arms. he has plans for me. plans for us. i felt secured.

"Lucas."

Tawag ko, over the phone dahil wala pa ito hanggang ngayon. i just ate with Tita and Tito. kaming tatlo lang ang nasa hapag, as usual ay tungkol sa kasal ang naka haing usapin, di ko masikmura ang kinakain ko, i feel so bad and guilty that tommorow i will break the happines i am seeing on their faces, na ang masasaya at excited nilang muka ngayon ay mapapalitan bukas ng panlulumo at galit. Matinding galit

"hmm napatawag ka" sa tono ng boses nya ay naiimagine ko syang may binabasa

kinagat kagat ko ang kuko ko

"anong oras ka uuwi?" 

"why? do you need something?" he's alert

"uh.." i look around. why do i feel so nervous? "may sasabihin sana ako sayo"

it took him seconds to respond kaya nadagdagan ang pag ka kabado ko. i am planning to tell him first about it, he should know, he should be the first one..dahil maaagrabyado din sya dito at kapag naunang malaman ito ni lucas ay makokontrol nya ang kanyang emosyon bukas at makakalma sila Tita. He will know what to do, how to react and handle what will be the situation. he's good at it, i know he is good at it

"okayy? can't you tell me right now" 

"hihintayin kita, pauwi kana ba?"

"by 12, okay. tatapusin ko lang to"