Blurred Lines {S.R}

Demons

"So you've been having your nightmares again?"

I've zoned out of this therapy session. Not zoned out. I've disassociated for the millionth time in the past hour. It's like I'm standing on the outside of my body just watching a lion getting ready to hunt its prey. But I'm the lion and the prey. Do I attack? Do I run? I'm physically hunting my own being. I know the therapy is mandatory after the shooting, and I want to get better...it's just so fucking exhausting that my body and my mind can't choose who to fix first.

"Ella?"

"Yes? I'm sorry Dr. James" I say meekly, "I just dissociated again" looking up at her, waiting for her response.

"How about this. I think we both know how much you want to go back to work..." she says, as I sense a but coming on, "however, we also both know your body isn't physically ready nor is your mind. Being a profiler and an agent is hard work, and you're still recovering from a traumatizing event that happened to you. Not to mention, still processing everything that happened with your sister. For the next month, while we work through your nightmares, the disassociating, and your physical wellbeing, I will be reporting to Agent Hotchner that you will be strictly allowed only to do desk work."

I look at her feeling the tears coming on. Not because it's desk work. Although it is shitty, but because I want to feel fucking normal again.

"I understand Dr. James. Would you think it's crazy if I said I agree with you?" I said with a small chuckle as I wiped my eyes.

"I'm glad you recognize your wellbeing as an important part to take care of Ella. We're all rooting for you. Until next time, please take care of yourself, and remember to keep up with the journaling.

"I will Doc. Thanks." I say as I grab my things and exit her office.

________________

Spence was waiting for me outside the bullpen like he does every Friday morning after my therapy session. He even had a coffee in hand for me. How precious is that?

"Good Morning beautiful," he says softly in my ear as he hands me my coffee.

"Good Morning Spence," I say thanking him for the coffee as we walk into the bullpen.

He knows I don't like unloading how therapy went until I've had time to process on my own, and he's the best for just going with the flow. It's been a month since the shooting. The nightmares have me convulsing in the middle of the night, one time I almost suffocated because I thought the blankets were choking me and I couldn't get out fast enough. Luckily, JJ was over that night and helped calm me down. I don't sleep with blankets anymore. Hell, I don't even sleep anymore. No sleep = no nightmares.

"Ella, can I see you in my office?" Hotch says as he peeks his head out of his doorway.

I nod to him as I set my things down at my desk and make my way up the stairs.

"Hi Hotch"

"How are you doing Ella?" he says looking at me with a worried expression.

"Honestly?" I ask him

He chuckles, "Honestly would be preferred, thank you" he says as I see a small grin on his face.

"I'm not doing well Hotch" I pause, " I assume you got the report from Dr. James?" I ask

"I did. But I want to hear it from you too."