𝚃𝚑𝚎 𝙱𝚒𝚕𝚕𝚒𝚘𝚗𝚊𝚒𝚛𝚎 𝙰𝚏𝚏𝚊𝚒𝚛 || 𝙲𝙾𝙼𝙿𝙻𝙴𝚃𝙴𝙳

Chapter Thirty

More fucking tears roll down my cheeks. I'm pathetic. This is pathetic. I'm crying over a guy who I knew would never love me back. I knew if I told him I would never hear the words back.

"Darling please stop crying," Cheryl holds me in her arms.

I started sobbing when they came to drop the kids off, I feel bad because their five minutes late for their dinner reservation, "I'm sorry, go," I wipe my snotty nose, "Go have fun on your date I have the kids," I give them a tight smile.

Christ looks at me with a cocked eyebrow, "Maybe we should stay, and you can tell us what happened?" he suggests, and Cheryl agrees.

"No god please no just go have fun. Worry about me later don't let my little problems affect your guys' day," I practically push them out my door, "See you at 9:00 pm," I close my door on their faces. I really don't want the pity right now.

I don't want Christ to do something stupid and call him or something. I just want to forget.

"Charlie-Rose help me Rose is crying again," I look over to the crib I set up for her.

"Oh, I got it just turn the TV down a bit please bud," he nods turning down his cartoons for me.

I take small Rose in my arms. She's four weeks early so she's a lot smaller than she was meant to be. Cheryl and Christ got the all-clear yesterday for her to go home however they have a weekly check.

I rock her gently in my arms calming her. I place her back into the crib and gently push the crib into my room shutting the door so she can sleep in peace.

"Hey, bud do you want some popcorn?" I ask Lyon who eagerly nods.

I whip up some popcorn and put on my best smile. Lyon doesn't seem to notice my mood which is good because he would hammer me in questions wondering why I'm upset. He didn't even notice when I was crying in Cheryl's arms. The power of cartoons.

••••••

I give sleepy Lyon one more hug goodbye before leaving him to his parents, "We're going out for lunch tomorrow, okay?" Cheryl tells me,

I just nod going along, "Okay see you tomorrow goodnight," I kiss her cheek and wave them off before retreating back into my bedroom where tears instantly fall from my cheeks.

I feel pathetic crying over him a man who I always knew would never be capable of love. I was stupid I tried to put space between us but failed only falling deeper in love.

I brought this on myself. But it still doesn't stop the pain. My heart aches twenty-four-seven. Every time my phone flashes my heart hopes it's him, but my brain knows it's not causing my heart to shatter.

It's only been twelve hours since I called the deal off and confessed my love to him. I mean I know I told him to not contact me, but my heart still hoped.

It's pure torture I just want it to stop. These past few days have been hell I have to make a decision whether to do psychotherapy or go straight on medication? but then do I want to go on medication? And I still need a therapist and what does this medication do? Does it stop the hallucinations?

So many questions not enough answers.

I got rid of the one person who took all my issues out of my brain every time I was with him. They just left. I felt normal. I didn't hear Harley there was nothing. Nothing at all and I loved it.

I guess that's the main reason I fell in love with Landon. He kept me sane. It made me feel normal like I did back in high school before everything happened.

God, I hate it. My heart hurts so much. Air barely makes it to my lungs as another sob falls through my lips. My heart hurts just thinking about him. His nice words his sweet affection. I miss him all. But he doesn't love me back he just fucking stood there with his mouth open like a fucking fish.

I pick up my pillow through it across letting out a painful scream, "FUCK YOU LANDON!" I hold my other pillow in my arms rocking back in forth.

I can't open my eyes they're so swollen. I grip onto my pillow tightly crying myself to sleep. I feel numb the only pain I feel is in my heart.

I feel as it shatters again for the 100th time tonight.

I'm in pain I'm in so much fucking pain it hurts but yet numb at the same time.

Why couldn't he just have said the words back?

Did I really mean nothing to him?

Am I just simply a fuck buddy who wanted more?

Yes, yes, I was. I was stupid and selfish enough to think and even want more for him. I had hoped he would say them back, but he didn't. I brought this pain on myself I let myself fall in love with him because he held a bribe over me.

This all happened because of a stupid deal I took it to protect my friend. And yet again I'm suffering through all the pain just to protect my friend which I think I failed to do. I have a sick feeling that tomorrow I'll wake up and Kayla will be in jail.

This is all my fault why did I get involved with him?

Why did I agree to babysit Lyon? Because it was extra money.

Fuck this. It hurts, it all fucking hurts.

At this moment I wish I had my mother to hold or just someone. My dad, my brother, my best friend. I just needed someone. But here I am laying in my bed crying with no one because I decided to move miles away from them.

I'm wishing I was back in my bed back at home where none of this would have happened. I wouldn't be crying over a man whore.

And tomorrow I have to make the decision whether I want to do psychotherapy or go straight onto medication. Too much is happening right now.

Why can't the world stop spinning?

Why does it choose to torture me?

It's just been pain after pain for me I can't get a fucking break. The world is a bitch who has it out for me.

I want it to stop but it won't.

I'm running around in a circle of pain it won't go away.