Under Coloured Trees || Larry Stylinson

29

We all want someone who will make us feel understood, even if being fully comprehended is not completely possible because you're you and no one else can dominate the intricate map of our minds. Because sometimes there are dark alleys, dead ends and eternal roads that go on for miles on end and that no one would be able to entirely traverse. Not even oneself, in some cases. 

Some people live their lives without properly getting to know themselves, without going over every corner and every alley and every crossroad. Sometimes because they don't even know where to start, and sometimes because it's too scary to wander in the dark of your own self without having someone to hold your hand through it.

Relationships -either romantic or not- are a way of finding the right hand to hold, the right bird that will be strong enough to lift you and never let you fall, able to take you away from the darkness, able to help you escape.

The thing is though, that you have to work for it too. You can't just wait for someone to come along and free you of every shadow that was haunting you. You have to stand up to them and fight them yourself, even if that means stepping out of your comfort zone. Even if it means getting hurt. 

You have to learn how to talk about what you feel and need, you can't hide or pretend because, in order to feel understood without a sense of judgement and blame, you have to tear down your own cuirass and expose yourself to the other person. You can't be metal in their eyes, just flesh and bone. You need to be able to bleed, to bruise and to gash. They must be given your trust and the power to break it. 

To feel understood in your shadows is to become the most vulnerable version of yourself. And that is probably the most difficult task human beings are faced with during their tedious lives. And it's also probably why very few people are able to give themselves up to that version.

That's why Louis stopped believing there was any hope for him a long time ago. He's not able to do all that. He's not able to let someone in in such a hazardous way. He can't just get rid of his walls and open himself up to show everything to someone, every ugly part that should be buried and never shown, and say "This is me, take it or leave it". Because he knows it'll be the latter. 

Allowing someone to wander parts of him that he himself hasn't even dared to step in would mean letting them see all that he accumulates there. Because that's what Louis does. He stores and stores his worries and never talks about them, letting them wait to be acknowledged until they rot. And they always end up rotting because what you don't speak, you keep, and that gets heavy.

That's why, in a month of being together, Louis hasn't talked to Harry or the rest about what's happening to Lottie at home. That's why he doesn't sleep, staring either at the ceiling or Harry, the times he's there with him, naked limbs sweatily tangled together after hours of messily passionate kisses, after the moans have died down and become quiet snores against Louis' chest as Harry rests his head on it. That's why he spends hours on the computers of the library trying to find a way of getting his stepfather away from his sisters without them being taken away from him or, more importantly, from each other. 

That's why he doesn't have nightmares. 

Because he never actually closes his eyes.

Harry has tried to ask him about it but Louis never actually says anything relevant that will lead the boy to figure out what's off. He just dismisses his questions, changes the subject or straight up ignores Harry's attempts of reaching out to that part of Louis he keeps hidden from the rest of the world. And Harry is so lovely he never pushes, he always indulges Louis and goes along with it because he patiently hopes Louis will fully let him in eventually. 

The thing is, Louis is okay with talking about his past with Harry. He used to not be able to even think about it without feeling the urge to throw up, but with Harry, everything is easier. So facts, certain details, anecdotes and events, those he can do, as long as they're dealt with in a relatively pragmatic and almost unsentimental way. But his actual feelings about all of those things and the blame he carries with him... That he can't talk about that easily, not even to Harry. Hell, not even to himself.