I'll tell you in 30 years

37 - This is Goodbye

August came quickly.  It was nice to have Kim back in the office.  What I suspected was proven right, she was the real power in the company.  

We segregated the work, I would continue to handle Jun's calendar and email correspondence, Kim in charge of legal matters, business meetings and negotiations.  

Jun started filming his new movie and was often away from the office.  Even when he was back, Lui Feng stopped coming to the office already.  I guessed Lui Feng knew about the cold treatment that Jun gave me since the anniversary bash and didn't feel the need to protect his territory anymore.  

I couldn't understand why Jun turned cold towards me.  Don't get me wrong, he was still responsive and polite.  Very polite and straight to the point.  

I really couldn't understand.  I behaved very well, very professionally and not once have I crossed the line that Jun drawn.  The usually talkative and busy body Kim didn't say anything, but I think she, more than anyone else, how estranged we were. 

I missed the easy banter, the late nights in the office, just us, our arguments and our conversations. Feeling like a thief, stealing moments from Lui Feng, I think that Jun did the right thing, better to draw the line properly so as not to give me hope.  

Knowing the workload, we hired a secretary for Jun to take over my work.  After guiding her for a week, it was time for me to bid goodbye to the team.  I really missed working here, I even find talkative Vina and sarcastic Jia En a joy to work with.  On my last day there, Jun came back and took us out for dinner.  

Even though he was polite towards me, he still came to thank me for my contribution. The man that stood in front of me looked exactly like him, a model that just stepped out from a photoshoot.  Tall, giving off a charming smile and confident demeanor.  He knows that he has the world within his grasp and is assured of his place in society. 

I tried to grasp that this person was the same needy, clingy youth with his limbs all over me, when we sleep. Or the man that he was last year, before we broke up, tired, broken and ever so cautious.  Lui Feng was really good for him.  They were very blessed to have found each other.  

I clink on his glass and raised mine, "Thank you."  

He passed me a gift, and gave me a brief hug, before going to the counter to settle the bill.  If thank you and a gift was my last interaction with him, I couldn't ask for more.  

I could leave in peace now, knowing that he has the whole team and Lui Feng behind him.  His life was going to be great.  

After saying my goodbyes and thank-yous to the team, he waited for me and walked with me to my car, parked at the entrance.  Illuminated by the street light, I gazed at his face, trying to imprint it in my memory.  I started tracing his features, from his unruly hair, softly waxed, high bridge nose that would wiggle so cutely each time he sneezed, his lips, those long luscious lips, with just a slight smirk will caused my heart palpitations, and his eyes, those eyes that burned, doesn't matter, if it was twinkling or glaring, I could still drown in it. 

He reached out his hands, to shake mine.  Instead, I pulled him to me, to give him one last hug, as a friend.  I refused to end it with a handshake.  "Goodbye."   I sighed, immediately realizing that this was indeed, goodbye.

Me, alone in the car, I was too tired of lying to myself. I took off my mask.  Yes, yes, I was happy for him, but I don't want him to be happy without me.  I don't want him to be happy with Lui Feng, or for that matter, with anyone else.  

I would be going home to my lonely room, with my estranged dad in the next room.  He would be going back to his warm home, washing up, chatting with Lui Feng across the door, telling him about his day.  After he puts on his night cream, he would crawl into the bed in his boxer, wrapping Lui Feng in his arms, Lui Feng's head would be pressed on his chest, hearing Jun's quicken heartbeats, right before Jun tear off his clothes.....

Stop, just stop.  

These kinds of thoughts are not helping anyone. 

 I couldn't drive anymore, just made a U turn back to the empty parking lot. Hung my head on my steering.....I didn't dare to go back, didn't want to frighten my dad.

It hit me, finally, it hit me

This was goodbye 

He who has been my constant

My foundation

The person that I run to 

The one that I yearned for

I wanted to tell him

I love you, I want you, and I am broken, saying goodbye to you

10 years, no regret

If I have to live again, I would still choose you

Except this time, I would do better

I would hold you tight, and never let us drift apart

I don't know if at the moment of death, your life flashes before you, but at this moment of farewell, our whole decade flashed by...our first kiss, our first time, our fights, our lazy mornings, and the way we cuddled at night.

Suddenly my heart filled with so much ache and pain, that I was on the verge of death.  Clutching at my chest, I just cried...cried for all the-could-have been, for the life that we could have built together.  Now I will never know what you would tell me in 19 years. 

I cried for all the missed opportunities, for the warmth of his embrace and intensiveness of our kiss.  I missed the sense of belonging, of comfort, of us against the world. I missed my home, my mum, him and us.  I cried for all the love that I had, and lost. 

I wailed like a child...loud, messy, filled with cursed words.  It wasn't dignified.  Again and again, until I was exhausted, my throat was sore.  

I needed a puff, to calm myself down. Unbuckled my seat belt and opened the car door, and there he was, standing there, gazing straight at me.