The Victim

33| summer glooms

Serine

***

Arriving at the hospital,  I see his body once again. His eyes closed, he wasn't moving an inch whatsoever. The machine beeping at every second, reminding us that he was still there. Right?

Right.

I softly drag the stool near, to the right side of his bed and sit down on it. Grabbing his hand that had the pulse oximeter on his index finger.  "Hey dad," I greet as happily as I could.

"You know, I'm beginning my exams next week and uhm- I promise you I'll study really hard so I can graduate. I want you to be there- to see me graduate. Nothing will be better than you smiling and hugging me saying you're proud of me. I know mom is smiling wherever she is, I think I'm going to visit her today."  As I stare my dad teary eyed.

What the hell, I'm such a crybaby. I spot a chain around his neck. It was his locket. The one he'd never take off and treasured forever.  I stood up slowly and I was lucky enough he wasn't sleeping too low. He was more- or- less  upright. Once the chain is in my hands, I open the locket that had an image of the cross on it and spot an image of him and a woman.

A woman who was my mom.

Never seen her- (only in pictures) but there's always been a connection between us. I looked exactly like her. I took her eyes, her hair, her skin, her body- I looked a lot like her. Without a doubt.  She was so beautiful, with the purest heart my dad used to say. I wish I would've gotten to see her, I wish I could've talked to her.

I was grateful that my dad- even though she died because she gave birth to me, he never blamed me. He never yelled at me. He never lashed out on me, instead he simply saw me as her. It was like life had given him... another opportunity and the man upstairs, gave him almost a replica.

I sometimes realize how worse it could have all been. He would've hated me and turned into addict because he wanted to 'forget'. At least that's what I confided into just a few years ago.

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Flashback: A 14 year old Serine

I stared at the wall. Fascinated by nothingness with hot tears pouring down my cheeks.  After sitting there, feeling numb, I nearly jumped out of my bed and slowly made my way to my drawer. Pulling it my way, I spot the packet that I got from the two people at the alley. I grab the packet and close my drawer, taking a seat right next it.
Opening it, my nose catches the smell- which I had grown used to. I believed it wasn't the best smell ever- but it made me feel euphoric. Since I'd been a little closer to the door and it was basically quiet, I heard footsteps. My entire body froze.

I hated the sounds of footsteps, I hated them. An awful shiver ran down my spin as I tossed the packet behind my cushion. My mind and body still unable to do anything. The footsteps got heavier and heavier but I do nothing. Instead, all I do is crawl back at each step.

Then they stop.

I release a loud sigh but almost choke when I see the doorknob turn. The door opens and I almost cry. "Pumpkin?" I look up, "Dad?!" I nearly slip because of the socks I'm wearing and I squeeze my dad in the hug. "You're back," I eventually cry.  I was so relieved after seeing his face. I had to deal with my babysitter for the past week because he was on a business trip. Not that I didn't like her- she was sweet but I truly felt safe with my dad.

"Yes pumpkin," he responds with the word I once called him. It suddenly began what he called me now. "Are you alright sweetie? I missed you so much,"

"I missed you too dad, and of course I'm okay. I'm happy that you're here," It wasn't a complete lie. I was happy that he was here but evidently I was okay emotionally. He didn't need to know that.

"Have you eaten? Maria tells me you haven't eaten since yesterday." Then why are you asking if you already know, dad. "I'm not hungry but I'll make sure to eat later,"  He gives in and he leaves. Sorry for always lying.

The reason why I lied is because my dad had responsibilities and I was one of them. I didn't need to worry him about my depression.

As empty I was. I grab the packet and I find myself sniffing it all in.

I had now disappeared into my own other universe. With nobody else bullying, or telling me what to do. I could hear my dad speaking still but soon shut my eyes when it got blocked out and I was happy.

I had forgotten about everything else.

Which brings me to now. My feet touched the never ending grass as I made my way to her tombstone. There she was, Nia Williams. Born- 1990-2003

She was so young. She was only thirty-one years old. She still had to reach 40, 50, 60- even 80 but I ruined it. I know it's annoying or crazy to repeat that- but that was the truth. I bend my knees, sitting on the grass as I rest the lilies on her grave. I hear she loved them. "Hey mom," I smile sadly. "You must be shocked that I came but I'm here,"

"I always speak to you. Every night even if it's small goodnight. I've come here for three things. First is to talk to you, as creepy as this place is. Second," I sigh. "I want to ask for your forgiveness. Because I know you brought me on this earth because you wanted a beautiful life for me. It's anything but beautiful trust me. I try my best, I even quit drugs.  I don't tell dad because I don't want to worry him but anyways- back to what I was going to say. Please forgive me because I would've rather you saved your life than  witness your own daughter- you died for,  suffer. I'm sorry I separated you guys. I know he'd die if he wanted to. Just to somehow be with you but he won't because I'm in the way. So please forgive me. Thirdly," I bite on my bottom lip. "I miss my dad.  If I lose him, what more do I have to live for? I've stayed alive because of him, because I never wanted to disappoint or pain him. I already had mental and physical issues and I didn't want to stress him even more. I'm such a damn handful."

"So please mom," I plea. "Tell God to answer my prayers for me please,"

Because I do. 

I do believe in miracles.

A tear escapes my eye and as if on queue, hands wrap around me, pulling me into their chest as I release everything.

~~~~~

This has gotta be my favorite chapter yet tbh.