Irritable Feeling

An Irritable Feeling

"Do you love running?"

The words echoed inside Kakeru's head. Bouncing around in a blank, black space. His mind, blank other than those words as his feet hit the concrete underneath him. His quick steps accompanied by the sound of his own heavy breath was all that reverberated in his ears. Those words bothered him, did he love running? It was a simple question, but yet he couldn't quite grasp the answer to this question.

Was it a hobby? An exciting thrill that he got to experience every time he was on the track? A competition in which only his records mattered? Or was it ... just the only thing he was good at? The only thing that had given him meaning for so long. Did he love running? What did it mean to love something? More so... what did running mean to him?

He let out a heavy breath as his footsteps slowed, becoming heavy as he slowed. Stopping in front of the place he was currently calling home. Chest slowly expanding, lungs burning ever so slightly from the crisp midnight air. His eyes lingered on the dim light that shone through the screen on the front door. His gaze shifted to the sign, Chikusei-so, the place he'd been somewhat forced to move into. His lips flattened and curled ever so slightly, scowling slightly as he recalled the events of earlier that night. The reason he left for a run in the first place.

Kakeru took a deep breath, inhaling the night air once more before sliding the door open. Stepping inside and slipping off his shoes, he could hear the dorm was mostly silent. Some soft voices and sounds slipped through the corridors, but it was calm. Everyone had gone to their rooms for the night. Kakeru sighed in relief briefly, glad he wasn't going to be running into anyone for tonight. He bent down, placing his shoes in his cubby before pausing as he heard the gentle clatter of dishes being stacked. Kakeru's heart wavered ever so slightly, cursing internally. There was still one person awake.

He figured he knew who.

He stepped further into the dorm, footsteps gently padding against the wooden floors, hoping to make his way to his room before he was spoken to, but he wasn't quick enough.

As he passed the kitchen, a familiar voice rang in his ears, "Did you cool off?" Kakeru turned, facing the voice, eyebrows gently knit together. Stopping in his tracks, saying nothing in response. Staring at Haiji's back as he dried the dishes, "Can you help me with these?"

Kakeru looked to the side for a moment, he didn't want to, but he didn't want to say no either. He stepped into the kitchen in silence. The quiet sound of Haiji washing dishes was the only noise that passed between them for a moment as Kakeru grabbed a towel and began drying off the bowls that sat in the dishrack. Haiji was quiet, his usual small casual smile on his lips as he stood beside Kakeru, as if he was thinking about something pleasant.

"Are you mad still?" Haiji asked softly, breaking the silence between the two.

"Not particularly." Kakeru responded shortly. Picking up the bowls and placing them to the side, moving to the next dish.

"You don't believe in them?" Haiji's tone was light, as always, not even bothering to look at Kakeru as he spoke, simply placing another dish onto the rack that Kakeru was working on.

"... they need an official record to even qualify-"

"You said that already. Earlier." Haiji reached out, unplugging the drain in the sink. Letting it drain, "You don't think they'd be able to make it?"

Kakeru's movements paused, eyebrows scrunched together once more as he turned his head to finally face Haiji. His heart leapt uncomfortably in his chest as his gaze met Haiji's directly. He was finally looking at him, the intensity of his gaze making him uneasy. Especially when he was looking at him head on like this. He steeled himself, he couldn't back down. Not now. He had to speak his mind, he was angry with Haiji. It felt like he was making light of something he worked so hard on, how could he not be upset?

"No." Kakeru spoke flatly, "How long are you planning to make light of running? Throwing together a random bunch of people and expecting them to run something on that scale. Something people spend years preparing for." He could feel his irritation swelling again, forming in his chest like a hot ball looking for an outlet.

"Trust me." Haiji said with a small smile, "I'm not belittling anyone's efforts, I know we can do it." Haiji's even words and soft expression felt like it grasped that ball, dissipating it. Giving him a strange sense of confidence, confidence built on a foundation of sand. It was frustrating how this man could be so blindly confident in his words.

"How can I trust you?" Kakeru spat out in a soft tone, turning toward the dishes to place them away. Finishing up what he started at the very least, so he could leave the kitchen faster. His movements are a bit more brash and hurried. He moved to place something else away before feeling a warm hand gently brush against his, grabbing the dish from his hands, "I can finish." Haiji stepped closer, indirectly pushing Kakeru from the spot he was standing. Kakeru backed away, the hand Haiji touched clenching into a fist. He stared at Haiji for a moment before scowling at his back.

"How can I trust you?" Kakeru asked, "When all you have is blind confidence and an impossible goal?" His words were laced with irritation, "This is ridiculous." He whispered before turning, angry once more after just returning from a somewhat calming jog.

"Kakeru." Haiji's soft voice gently grasped at Kakeru, making him pause. Something about the way he said his name made him always pause in his tracks. It frustrated him. "It's not that I have blind confidence." Haiji stared down at the dish he was wiping before reaching up to place it away, "I have faith that we can reach that goal. We just have to work for it... have faith in me. I know we can do it."

Kakeru's gaze burned at the ground, turning over his shoulder to glare at Haiji, only to be met once more by his gaze. His brown eyes burning into his own. He squinted for a moment before turning away. Having nothing to say in response to such an intense stare. Every time he met Haiji's gaze he felt like his brain stopped up. Unable to respond, unable to form thoughts. It scared him, how much influence this man already had over him. He was frustrated, how could one man stir him up so much?

"This is stupid." Kakeru whispered, stepping out of the kitchen and stomping down the hall. Reaching his room as quick as he could before closing the door behind him. He let out a frustrated sigh, running his hand through his hair, tugging at it slightly before lowering it. Staring at the spot where his hand brushed against Haiji's. He clenched his fist, lips pressing together as he collapsed onto his futon. Eyes closing as he attempted to calm down, trying to tame the stirring itchy feeling in his chest.

How could he be so sure of himself? So sure that these people around them could do it? Did he know something about running that he didn't? What secret was he holding to where he could have blind faith in a houseful of untrained volunteers? What did Haiji know about running that made him enjoy it so much? To recruit someone like him in the first place? To ask him such a confusing question? Kakeru let out a faint curse. His body turned to face the bedroom door as he tried to wrap his head around the questions that swirled in his mind. Hoping that hopefully he could find at least a few answers to soothe this swirling irritation that bit at his chest.