But it's so long it won't post, so I'm just putting it here
Also I think a lot of you would like the video, or at least consider it something worth watching
This isn't a cry for help
At least I don't think it is
I just need to put it somewhere
Also I think I'd rather not have anyone read it because part of why I was putting it there was how annonymous it was, but at the same time if you're willing to read it and not hate me it would be nice to hear.. something, I guess
What if.. what if the things that bring me joy are only hurting me
I love digital stuff, digital art, YouTube, video games, Netflix, etc.
Not to mention the social medias I have where I've met people I relate to more than anyone I've ever known irl, I have them without my parents' knowledge or permission because I'm not allowed to have social media but it's genuinely the most comfortable place for me
It's my safe space, there's people there that get me who I can rant to about stuff, and I know all sorts of people so if I'm not comfortable sharing something with one hey that's right up the alley of this other! And it's so much easier to talk through typing, I have time to delete and edit words until they feel right and I can quickly consult Google when I forget words, not to mention it's way easier to say "When [bad thing] :')" and have everyone go "same" or something than ranting to irl friends and family
And memes on YouTube make me laugh, and it really warms me inside to grow attachments to shows, characters, and creators and think about them throughout the day
Instead of crying over Sarah or Jonah, I'm smiling over Beetlejuice or Markiplier or DJ Subatomic Supernova
And video games are so FUN! I have multiple chances to get things right, and there's so many challenges that are challenging in a fun way! I know they're possible because they're in the game and people have done them before, they're hard but it's okay because they're doable. And I absolutely adore the challenges that are hard but not like hard hard ya know? So I have to work for it but it's quick happy chemicals. Like playing Ori and the Blind Forest and pressing x a couple times to defeat an enemy, HAHA! GOTTEM! WOOOOOOO!
But I can't be on electronics all the time. I can't. It's unhealthy, and I have a life.
I have schoolwork, I have friends, I have family, I have enemies, I have bodily needs
If it were up to me I'd have been thrown into the world of Undertale a long time ago and left the gray void that is our universe behind, sure I'd miss some people but there would be magic and adventure and bro I could hug Papyrus how can you be sad when that man is in hugging range
There are things that I've done in our universe that.. I don't like. I'm not gonna share them here but, I don't like them.
There are people I've known that remind me of sides of me that I fucking hate.
I already fucking hate myself. I hate myself so much. I hate myself SO FUCKING MUCH.
I fucking suck, man. I'm lazy, I'm selfish, I'm always tired, I ramble too much, my vocab is shit, I've done shitty stuff and I blame it on others, and all of my half-decent qualities are outshined by someone else who's way better at whatever the hell they are.
Ooh hehe I made this art of a character! It took a few days but I'm really proud of it! Oh shit look at this art someone else made it took them 5 minutes and the shading is so good it looks more realistic than me. Well then, guess this thing I made is trash then.
