Save Me

[3]

"Okay guys today we are going to do something different." Danny said as we all got settle for our group session. "We are going to go outside." Danny said.

We have therapy every day. For me, every other day I see Curtis or have group. Yesterday was just a bad day for me. My depression hit me hard and I couldn't find the effort to talk with Curtis. So I didn't go. I just stayed in bed all day.

I don't think Curtis was mad but he did tell me because we didn't have a session I wasn't allowed to go outside or call Leah. I was fine with that I just asked Curtis to call Leah and tell her so she won't freak out. Curtis did make me eat dinner though then he left me alone. Lynn tried to help me out but she knew there wasn't anything she could do.

Today was a little bit better. I got out of bed and got ready for group. Curtis met me at my room and asked me to take a pill. I asked a lot of questions about what it was but he wouldn't answer them. He just made me take it.

After that he left me alone to go about my day. Now we are at group and Danny just let us go outside. I held back the urge to run to my spot in the trees and sat down with the group. Danny got her dry erase board out and started to write.

During group therapy we would talk about one word. As a group we would breakdown that word and see what it means to us. Then we would go around the room share what we were comfortable with. Today the word on the board in big red letters is the word love. Great.

"This word has a lot of different meanings. We are going to go around in the circle and everybody is going to say the first word that comes to mind when you hear the word." Danny said.

A lot of different things come to my mind when I hear the word. My parents, Emmett, my father, and of course Leah. As we went around the group a lot of the other girls said their parents.

"Erica?" Danny asked.

"Emmett" I answered. She gave me a look but continued on with the group. Once everybody was done she grabbed her marker and write a word under love. Myself.

"Out of everything you guys said none of you guys said that you love yourselves. That's what you guys are here for. So you can learn to love yourselves again." Danny said.

Danny rattled on for another few minutes before she stopped. I was actually paying attention today. Usually during group I don't. But what Danny was saying struck a chord with me. I need to love myself, or at least learn how to love myself.

When things didn't go right I would always take it out on my arms or legs. I never had a healthy method of coping. I would just shut down and grab a razor blade. So the first thing I really need to do here is learn how to cope when things get hard.

After Danny was talking she pasted out pieces of construction paper and makers. We were allowed to go anywhere we wanted outside and write down anything we learned so far in our time here or needed to learn in our remaining time. I got up and almost ran towards my spot in the trees.

I'm actually starting to like the trees and grass the grounds here have plenty of. Back in Dalton there is mainly sand, not much green. Illinois is starting to grow on me. I looked down at the paper and wrote my name on the top.

What I have learned since I've been here? That is a good question. I feel like I haven't learned anything, but I know that isn't true. I have learned a lot. Uncapping the blue marker I brought the tip to the paper and started to write.

I have learned that I can be 16 days self-harm free. Something I never thought I could achieve. At the beginning of my time here in Hudson Pine I would still find ways to harm myself. I would crave the feeling of bringing a blade against my skin. So I would find things to do it with.