Tellings of a broken mind

fears and failures

When I was younger, my biggest fear it was that my parents will get divorce. Today, i'm afraid i won't make it to the end of the week.
I have been sick for weeks, I have been getting high and having anxiety attacks. I haven't been able to sleep well for weeks. I have to take vitamins and iron pills cause i'm anemic.
But is a new year, 2022. I wish you bring me what 2021 and 2020 couldn't: complete happiness.
I hope you bring me strength to rebel myself. I hope you give me strength to keep going, to not bail out, cause i don't want to bail out, i'm young, but at this point i just want to close my eyes and go.
Go far away, somewhere that won't remind me of today. Somewhere where the only thing that will keep my mind busy is the books i'm reading, a place where i'm alone with my music and my story's and my computer.
A place where i don't have to deal with my parents fights, with my family's fights. A place where no one knows me.

But, again, i would be alone, and i think i want to be alone with my thoughts, but my thoughts sometimes invade me, sometimes they get to heavy or to personal and they don't let me breathe. Sometimes i want to reap them of my mind because they confuse me, they make me think i'm crazy.
And sometimes that's not good for me, not since the anxiety started to kick in harder than ever, not since i have got it diagnosed by a professional. And that made it more real, so now every time i'm alone or with people my mind goes:
"Anxiety, you have anxiety, you want to leave, this people hate you, they don't want you, you have to be alone"
But the second i'm alone my brain stars saying:
"How do you pretend to have friends or to be loved by your friends if you are never there, if you leave all the time from the reunions, if you don't go to the reunions"

So my point here is that yes, I want to be alone cause i can't stand this anymore, but do i wanna be alone with my thoughts and my mind? Do i? Or this is just an urge i have cause i'm a teenager and i think everyone hates me?.
I think it would be best for me if i don't think this through, if i just leave all this thoughts here, in this chapter and never think of them again, and who knows, maybe in a few weeks i'm better, maybe in a few weeks i have got everything under control.
Who knows, right?.