MADMAN'S ARMS

24

Monday, August 26th

After spending several days at home inside a bubble of perception and adaptability, I finally started to feel like myself again.

It came to my knowledge that the situation with Brandon really made me lose my strength and mentality, but there had been another strange feeling inside of me these past days as well. I couldn't put words to it, but I felt empty, like a part of me was missing while I was at home by myself.

Even if the imaginations of Brandon brought back the fear, I still had a strong feeling of wanting to meet him again, to hear what he had to say, see his beautiful and broken face, and find out if there was any reaction to my absence.

It had been six days since I left his room without a word after his outrage, and I had idea what was currently going on at the institution.

I had spent a lot of time together with Dolores and Vincent the past days, and I tried to tell them as much as I could about the reason I was home.

Dolores was here for me as I fell down in panic attacks and caught the flashbacks from the objectionable predicament in cell 401, and as usual I was grateful about that.

Dorothy didn't suspect anything when I talked to her on the phone, which made me able to remain calm.

The last thing I wanted was to bring up the dramatic situation with her, even if she was my chief.

With a shaking hand, I stroke a loop of hair behind my ear in front of the mirror in the ladies changing room. My heartbeat was rough, and my hands were damp and shaky, but somehow I felt ready again. I didn't have much choice but to go back to work, so I figured it was best to get back sooner than later.

As I entered the office room, I met with my three good friends, Mildred, Harriet, and Janet. They all confirmed their caring personalities and asked me if I felt any better after my absence of what they thought was sickness.

I chose not to mention anything about the actual reason, and responded as if I had just got rid of the flu or a cold.

I sat down for a while and read through Brandon's files to catch up with his treatment during the time I spent at home, and soon I noticed that there was not much progress in his sessions with Nurse Browne. Also, I read in the notes that there were new cuts found over his wrists every day since Tuesday.

My stomach turned as I read the information, and I remembered that time I spotted a new wound on his arm, when he told me he did that to himself because he missed me. What if that was actually true, what if my negation was the reason. Knowing that I would soon get an answer to that made me both nervous and tense.

I never wanted to be the reason for anyone to hurt themselves, especially not my patients. It was heartbreaking just to think about.

When I felt settled and enough updated on Brandon, I placed his files in the archives and left the office again. For every step further down the hallway, my stomach ached even more just like it could sense the way my body got closer to the living being a couple of walls away.

One part of me wanted to get there faster, while the other just wanted to run away and never get to meet with him again. As I walked over the floor and focused on the sound my shoes made with every step, I heard a familiar voice interrupting me from behind.

"Nurse Frazier!"

I closed my eyes with a sigh. I didn't feel like talking to anyone, but I turned around and forced a smile.

"Hello, Donald," With a friendly voice, I answered him as he approached me in the hallway.

"How are you? Margret told me you were sick," His voice was caring, and he looked at me with genuine sympathy showing through his eyes. It felt intrusive that he must have asked Margret about my absence while I wasn't here.

We only went on one date, and we didn't even kiss. So the thought about him going around gathering information about me, made me feel uncomfortable. Because of my busy work, we hadn't really talked very much lately. I just waved my hand as I passed him by the entrance. I didn't have the energy nor the interest to walk over to him only to chit-chat when my mind was already so caught up with chaos.

Deep inside I also wanted him to understand that I was not as interested to further interact as he was.

"Yes, I caught a bad cold. But I feel much better now, thankfully," I smiled at him, shrugged my shoulders as I was in a bit of a hurry. The silence between us got awkward enough, and my stomach kept aching with discomfort. I felt terrible for Donald. He was just being nice to me, trying to keep up a conversation, to make a friend.

"I'm glad to hear you feel better," He stated, not knowing what more to say. I felt so bad not for asking Donald how he was doing himself, but it was too late now. The conversation already lapsed, so all I could do was swallow my bad conscience.

"Thank you, Donald," Once again, I smiled in a try of saving the uptight atmosphere between us before I continued.

"I really have to go now. I'm already late for a meeting. I'll keep up with you," I added, speaking to him in an assuring way to keep his expectations with me, and he smiled brightly as always.

He deserved to be treated just as well as he treated me, but it appeared to me that he was interested in more than just friendship, which I was not. Donald nodded his head gently and placed his arms around his back. He was undoubtedly handsome, and his aura gleamed with benevolence and kindness.

I knew he was a pure gentleman, but now was not the time for me to commence a relationship of devotion.

"I understand. You have work to do. I look forward to seeing you around," His goodness made me melt. I didn't deserve his attention, he was too good for me.

With burning, rosy cheeks and too bad of a conscience, I turned my back on the imposing, appropriately dressed man and slowly began to walk my way down the long, white corridor again.

I carried with quick steps, bit the skin in my cheeks. There was so much going on in my brain already. I was on my way to meet with Brandon again after nearly a week of absence.

I was on my way to meet with him for the first time after a situation that nearly tore me apart and had me devastated. Then Donald showed up, interrupted my progress and caused even more pressure and stress which made me annoyed.

Now I had to start the progress all over, because once again, the fright and anxiety about seeing Brandon reached my body with the most painful inconvenience.

How was I supposed not to fall down on my knees in panic the moment I laid my eyes on him?

I reached the big iron door to Ward 5 and stepped inside the square security area. Now there were only a couple of short seconds left until the revealing moment of truth.

I walked through the lobby, all the way until I reached the horrid end. With one last deep breath, I pinched myself in the arm. I wanted to get rid of the pain, of the horror. Hopefully it would be all over soon.

With the usual guard tightly behind me, I put my key in the hole to unlock the door with the very common number engraved.

The time had now finally come to divulge my destiny.