MADMAN'S ARMS

40

Right in front of Brandon, I laid on my side, my forehead carefully touching his. The cold, dark room was silent as we laid in his bed, just looking deep into each other's addictive eyes.

Brandon let his hand slightly stroke over my cheek and the feeling of his warmth made me flush. I felt so safe.

While moving my eyes to examine every part of Brandon's half-naked body in front of me, I noticed the fragile, purple marks around his neck.

It was not the first time I saw them, but I came to notice I never asked about them before. Probably because I respected his boundaries, but also because there was already so much going on in his presence, there was no time to bring it up.

The marks were nearly visible, yet I managed to identify them with my eyes.

It saddened me to think about what may have happened to him in his previous life. Did someone try to strangle him? Did someone cut his throat? Did he go through some sort of procedure?

Caressing my hand over his pale bare chest, I let my fingers play around on his skin before I let them slip upwards to touch him by the marks.

Carefully, my fingers stroke over the area of the sensitive, purple-coloured skin.

"What happened?" I murmured cautiously, knowing those words would be enough for him to understand what I was referring to. But without any response, he just grabbed my hand off his neck to hold it tightly instead.

I looked at him patiently while waiting for an answer but he kept his mouth shut.

I wanted him to talk to me, I wanted him to tell me everything about himself and his dreadful past, and I already figured that the discoloration beneath his chin was a part of it.

"Please, Brandon. Talk to me," Keeping my voice calm and low to not destroy our beautiful moment, I watched Brandon's chest rise and descend in intensive motions, and I noticed his discomfort. He bit his lip carefully before he opened his mouth insecurely, and sighed loudly.

"It was a stupid, failed suicide attempt," The mumbling words departing his mouth were short and he didn't look me in the eyes anymore.

I felt my heart breaking into hundreds of thousands of pieces and I tried my best not to let the canals flood out the tears. If I had been standing up at this moment, I would have fallen to my knees of weakness.

This information was so hard for me to adapt, but I had to remain strong for Brandon. He was the weak one, he was the one in need of help, my help, and by all means, that was the reason I even met with him in the first place.

I couldn't show him my weakness or allow his problems to affect me in an emotional way. That would certainly ruin every piece I had left in my profession with him.

"I'm sorry," I breathed. Those were the only words I could come up with. I was too messed up inside to say anything else, and I still didn't want to destroy what was going on between the two of us right now as everything was so placid and easy for once.

"It's alright. Don't worry about it," Brandon cooed, showing no more sign of being disturbed by the subject. Why did he always have to be so impassive with conversations like this? I thought while getting frustrated with the way he couldn't let every inner thought out just for once. After all, that was what I was here for in the first place, to make him emit, open up, and speak out.

Of course this wasn't alright even if he claimed to be. He tried to kill himself, end his life, and he just expected me to be pleased with his answer and get along with a new subject of conversation because he told me it was 'alright'.

I refused to buy it. This was a part of therapy. I knew he wasn't lying about being okay, but this had nothing to do with his current being. This was about the importance of him opening up about his past.

"Why did you do it?" As soon as the words left my mouth, I noticed I asked something way too personal after just bringing this up.

After all, it was not up to me to decide how much he should or shouldn't tell me, even if it was a part of treatment. Although one part of my job was to ask questions like this, it was important always to sense the moment initially, and this was not the right one for me to ask what I just did out of curiosity.

I felt stupid with unprofessionalism, but it was already too late. Brandon's eyes turned darker and I could see on his distinct Adam's apple as he swallowed hard.

"Because I wanted to kill myself?" His words came out rude, and even if it made me feel disappointed and frustrated, I didn't blame him for responding that way. I was the one who crossed the line.

Once again I remained silent. Now it was only up to him to decide in which direction he wanted to proceed the meeting.

I kept my eyes on his chest as I waited for him to break the torturing silence. I was too ashamed to look him in the eyes, and the stillness between us did not really make it less embarrassing for me. It was too excruciating that every feeling of mine got twice as strong whenever I was near Brandon.

If this would have happened with another patient, I would probably let it out of the world with an apology, or make it appear as a usual part of my job. But with Brandon, it was different, just like everything else in his closeness.

Suddenly he let out a loud sigh again which made me look up at him and meet with his eyes unintentionally.

"I wanted to get away. End myself as a favor to the world. I was so disgusted and disappointed by it, and I hated myself. After realizing that I couldn't even manage to find the man who murdered my family, and what that man had made me do to others, I tried to hang myself,"

A heavy lump fell into my throat as I listened to what Brandon said, and I had to bite my tongue trying to keep from crying.

"But unfortunately, a police officer found me just in time to save my life," Brandon added and grinned in irony.

If it wasn't for his easy way of telling me all of this, I would have been crying my eyes out right now. This was just another heavy rock to throw onto the pile of the many others. It just never seemed to end with him, there was something new to learn every day.

I honestly didn't blame Brandon for doing that after all he had been through, but that didn't change the truth that it got me heartbroken.

"Well, if you would have succeeded, we would never have met," I cautioned in a smile, trying my best to keep the good atmosphere between us and talk to him the way he wanted me to. I knew he didn't like when it got more serious than it already was.

"I know, Beverly. And that's the only thing that makes me proud of my failure," His voice made the sound of an angel. Did he actually just say that?

My heart melted by his words and I just got one step closer to falling. This was not only a matter of attraction. This was something more, something a lot stronger.