MADMAN'S ARMS

53

Monday, September 9th

An annoying piercing noise heard from a distance woke me up and I realized that the weekend was over and it was time to get to work again.

I didn't have much time to think about what I had done to myself all weekend until my arms by reflex quickly opened the toilet lid right above where I laid still on the hard surface of the bathroom floor.

My head fell over the opening and let every bit of conscience leave my body. The heavy retching made the tears come through my eyes.

It was painful, throwing up nothing but guilt and clear corporal fluids, so the acrid vomit leaving my body didn't make me feel much better since I knew what it meant.

This was always a sign that it was over.

With this trip I had now destroyed everything I thought I succeeded with, showing me I was so wrong about myself and what I thought I could handle. I was never strong. I was never clean. How could I believe that?

I cursed to myself as I dried my mouth and raised from where I now sat on the floor to brush my teeth and get rid of the acid slowly corroding them.

I had to go to work, even if that was the last thing I wanted. Also, I knew that I had to meet with Brandon today since I was still his treating nurse.

I didn't know how to act in front of him anymore. I couldn't trust my physical functions around him, nor my psychological ones, because as soon as I laid eyes on him, my heart melted down with attraction, but still I felt so decently frightened.

One feeling against another, they fought like enemies, love against hatred, me standing in between not knowing which one to cheer for.

By now I was aware that something was wrong with my emotions, and I knew I had to do something about it before I would fall even deeper into the paltry mess.

Slowly I was going insane myself, my own feelings leading me further into the mace of confusion, deceiving me into the danger...

I left my flat and arrived at work shortly after, and I smoked a cigarette to keep some sort of control over myself before I walked towards the giant entrance.

As I traced through the hallways I kept my eyes on the floor and ignored everyone I passed. I just shily lifted my hand when somebody greeted me to say good morning.

I couldn't bear looking someone in the eyes, I was too afraid they would understand right away, see right through me. Profile my behavior, inspect my soul and the shape of my still tiny pupils. They all were medically educated after all, and I was surrounded by them.

Without entering the staff room to say good morning to my friends and colleagues, I immediately began to walk in the direction of Brandon's hallway.

I had made the decision.

This was the moment where I would tell him.

Tell him that I would leave him, not treat him any longer. Because I was afraid of him. I fell for his manipulative play. I was fooled by him, and he finally won. I was so angry with him, I was weak and sad with him, more fragile than ever before, and I was... in love with him.