TEARS

Worth?

My mom is just getting on my nerves. I just cant do anything right for her. Why cant she get off my back? I just want her to leave me alone. I want peace.
The voices in my head are back. Constantly telling me im not worth it. Im pathetic,ugly,and annoying. The truth is i believe it. Just cause my friends tell me its not true it doesnt matter. I believe it and thats all that matters to me.
People tell me not to complain yet then they complain to me. It annoys me. I hate it. One of my friends gets mad at me cause i call myself fat. She then says im fat and if you say your fat again ill hit you. I laugh it off. It hurts though. I want to speak the truth and that is true to me.
I laugh and smile to hide the pain i feel. Im just a broken girl that pretends everything is tiptop shape. I like to imagine what life would be like if i didnt pretend all the time.
My mom hates me doing gymnastics but i love it. I secretly crave the pain i get from it. Sure it hurts but its what i deserve. I deserve the pain i get from it. Im so messed up and not good enough i need the pain to take my mind off it.
I think about other people and i know they have it bad. Im just a whiny teenager. I shouldnt complain but here i am. Bothering whoever deems this worthy of reading. Its not. Stop while you can. Maybe some people read this and think im going through the same thing.
I want to be good enough but i will never be. My wrists itch for a new scar i can put on it. I have been clean for awhile so i resist the urge i know will make it better.
My friends that read this will come up to me tomorrow and say i can come to them. They dont understand that it makes me uncomfortable to tell them.
I feel as if i am plaguing them with my terrible self. They say come to me. Why write it when you could just talk to me? I cant alright. It hurts me more when i talk to them. They give me a look of sympathy. They might not realize it but its in their eyes.
One of my good best friends, she will ignore her closet friends when she is upset. Shell be fine one minute then the next she isnt. It irks me. I play it off like it doesnt hurt but it does. Im used to people i care about ignore me. My mom and brothers have ignored me.
When she does it i hurt more cause the insecurities come right back up. The tears brim my eyes but i ignore it. I try to help but im just pushed away.
Maybe im meant to be ignored and pushed away. So many of my friends and family do it. I think i did something to my friend Papaya. She has been distant from me. Sure she invited me to hang and i couldnt but thats it. We havent talked much.
In my heart i know thats provably not true but the insecurities weigh me down.
I find myself not able to sleep much, hence me being up right now. Im a person who goes to bed early and wakes up late. I go to bed late and wake up a few hours later. My family's foreign exchange student said i looked like crap. I have bags under my bloodshot eyes. Hair thrown in a messy pony tail.
My body needs sleep but my mind wobt shut off for it. My grades are dropping. Gymnastics not going well either. My coaches pissed at me cause i hardly ever show up. They dont know what i have been going through so i dont blame them. I lay in bed staring at the ceiling praying for something good to happen.
The beginnings are always the hardest. I tell myself but im slowly losing hope. People say god give you this life cause he knows you can handle it. What if god is wrong? I cant hanfle this. Im shutting down. I feel it and have been fighting it. People shutting me out is making me give up. Im truly feeling like im not worth it.
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Sorry i havent updated anything. I have had a lot going on. Ill try but im not sure when i can though. Pm me if you want to talk or ask questions. Goodnight skittles