TEARS

JUST DONE

   Have you ever just got tired of everything. I know i have. Im sick of everything. Im done with my mom. I dont even think of her as my mom anymore. She is like a clone of her.

   All i hear from her is complaining. She complains about me all the time. Me being lazy, a bitch, and useless. She calls me a bitch twenty four seven. At first she messed around by calling me it but now she means it.

   I dont understand how i am lazy when i have all honor classes and im taking two languages. I do gymnastics for three hours on tuesday, thursday, and friday, i do an hour of gymnastics on Saturday. Monday and wednesday i tutor a kid to read for a hour. If im not doing that im at Lifetime Fitness or at home doing school work.

   How am i lazy when i do all this? Does me being a little mean to my siblings make me a bitch? I sometimes believe all the shit my mom calls me.

   When i was younger i used to cut. It was never deep enough where it scarred. If it did scar i would make it look like i scratched myself. My mom doesnt know this and neither does my therapist.

   I once thought about suicide but i couldnt do it cause of all the people that love me. I couldnt do that to them. I used to believe people wouldnt care. I found out friday that my friends would.

    I was depressed friday and my friend noticed and she and another friend came to my class to talk to me. It had brightened my day.

   I have this amazing best friend Amaya. She has been there throughout this whole depression thing. She would just give me a hug without me having to ask for one. I love that girl in a sisterly way.

   I know i have something to live for. Like my friend said "there is always going to be good after the bad." I finally believe it. I know it is still bad but now i see the good.

   I dont draw dreams but i do draw nightmares. It is so true. I never draw something extremely happy. My drawings always have a touch of sadness.

   Music is one of the major escapes i have. If im upset i just listen to music to calm myself down. Amaya is another way for me to let my emotions out. The last one is this.

   My mom is ignoring me and i dont care. Our ruined relationship can burn in the depths of hell. I know she will regret her desicion when im in college and she wants to talk to me. I would just ignore her calls and talk to my dad and brothers.

   I had tried to fix our relationship but i am done trying to fix something i cant. She chose this path not me. Im not going to regret anything that she did cause its not my fault. Im done regretting something thats not my fault.

   My mom has threatenes to take my things away if i dont follow her rules. Im like okay sure ill do it as long as it doesnt go against what i want. No longer am i going to do things i dont want.

   I control my life not her. She can whoop me as much as she wants. I dont give a crap. Im done letting people walk all over me. They think they are better than me well they are wrong. We are all equal beings.

   I will no longer cower underneath the rath of my mother. Last year my mother had whooped me so hard i had bruises and cuts on my arms. She told me to cover them up and not tell anyone. In gymnastics i made a lie of falling and hitting myself.

   She threatens to whoop me i will blab to everyone i know. I wont let her threaten me. I used to be scared of her but im not anymore.

   I finally hit my breaking point and i am done with this shit. Watch out mother you got a firce to be reckon with.

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Thanks for reading. I appreciate it. If you ever want to talk just message me. I dont care what its about. If it is to bash me then i will care. 

Good bye my skittles