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His mother is yelling. She is going on and on and on and on. He is sitting down at the table in the kitchen, and his mother is standing by the sink. She is mad, arms are waving at him and her scolding isn't stopping. He is apologising to her. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. She says it's not enough.
It's not enough and it means nothing.
Iman Sylis will apologise a thousand times, but he will find himself in the same situation he is now: in the dim light of the kitchen, listening to his mother. He will say a thousand sorries, but continue to make the same mistakes again, and again, and again.
He is thirteen when Aisha Sylis realises that nothing she says will change his mind. She doesn't get mad when he comes back home, sneaking through the back door with a big gash on his arm. She is worried—always worrying for his safety—but she is no longer angry at him for getting hurt.
How did this happen? she asks.
Iman shrugs and tells her that he was out with his friends. There is a look on his mothers face; raised eyebrows and knowing eyes. He was with the blonde boy, he answers. Luke.
His mother tells him to look at her. He does. She asks him another question: If your friends jump off a cliff, would you?
That feels like a lifetime ago. He is fifteen now. He is happy, laughing at whatever his friend just said. Iman is laying down on a towel. The sun is in his eyes, but he can still see the scar on his left arm. One of his friends is standing at the edge of the quarry, his eyes trained on the water below. He turns around, and he has a grin on his face.
How far do you think the fall is?
Iman snorts and tells him to go find out for himself. He doesn't. Later, once they are safe at home and he is on his bed looking up at the ceiling, Iman will find himself wondering, Would I have jumped if he did?
He is older and he thinks that Luke Castellan is a god. There is something about him; the way he talks, the way he moves; the way he holds his hand out towards Iman and whispers to him, What if we ran away?
He's smiling—they both are. They're still holding hands and Iman vows to never let go. It's fun, at first, it being just the two of them. There is wind in their hair as they're running, fingers interlocked the entire time. They're not stopping.
Luke tells him to close his eyes.
"On my count." he says. One, Two, Three...
Iman is falling now. There is no Luke beside him. His eyes are closed and his mothers voice is ringing in his head. If your friends jump off a cliff, would you? And he's saying it again: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. But he realises only too late that apologies mean nothing. He is too late.
