Stop Calling me That (mcyt + ftm reader) -Book 1/2-

-41-

((The discord has had fair warning, so I'll give y'all wattpad exclusives some as well; This, as well as the next two or three chapters? Going to be an absolute fucking rollercoaster))

Wilbur POV

((Warnings: ed, implied death, deadnaming, kissing, drugs, cheating, unhealthy relationships))

((A lot of that is just referenced, not all actual events))

The next morning, Wil and Sapnap found themselves out on the porch again, under gentler circumstances. They'd been the only two awake by sheer coincidence, and decided on watching the sunrise, just for the hell of it.

He couldn't remember what had brought up the subject of Tumblr, but he could certainly remember what'd come after.

"Oh man, that site," Sapnap laughed. "I remember the days when I frequented it."

"Oh?" Wilbur asked with amusement.

"Yeah, mostly just used it to meet people to be honest," his face dropped slightly. "Miss it sometimes. I'd been talking to one of them almost as long as all of that shit had been going on."

"Yeah.." Wil crossed his arms, leaning back. "Lost some great friends, both to recovery and.." he trailed off. He didn't need to finish the sentence for them to both know what he meant.

"That's why I had to leave," Sapnap sighed. "Hard place to be when trying to get better. Still, always gonna wonder whatever happened to guitar_boy and the seven alternate accounts he had to make during the four years I knew him," he joked.

Wilbur froze.

"..Prettyhurts? I- you- Nicole?" He'd said it before he could stop himself. He immediately realized that that was likely a deadname. "Fuck, sorry."

Sapnap's eyes widened. He fumbled for words for a moment, letting out a startled laugh.

"I thought your name was Joel?" he shot back Wil's old online name, equally confused. "And I liked Nick better?" He laughed again, raising a hand to his mouth. "Holy shit.."

"It was an online name! Privacy, or whatever," he stammered defensively through a smile.

"We exchanged pictures, dumbass," he rolled his eyes. "You look so different," he mumbled, pulling Wil into a hug. "Holy shit," he repeated, still processing it.

When he pulled back, Wilbur looked over him with new eyes, so to speak. Sure, now he'd grown up, gained some stubble and cut his hair, but he could still recognize some of the same features of that teenage 'girl' he'd met half a decade ago.

"God, I can't believe you know more about me than almost anyone," Wilbur mumbled, suddenly realizing just how much this would change.

"I wouldn't use it against you," he promised. "Plus you uh, kind of know all my secrets too, anyhow," he added, trying to lighten the mood a bit.

"True. Suppose you're stuck with me now then."

"Glad to be," he smiled, genuinely, and it sent an odd sort of feeling through Wilbur. It wasn't love, or anything of the sort, not really, and yet..

The silence hung around them, not uncomfortable, but still empty. A fragile safety he was afraid to break by speaking, but that didn't stop him a few minutes later.

He hummed, leaning against the railing. "Can I ask something weird?" He didn't want to think it through.

"Uh, sure?" Sapnap looked mildly nervous.

"Have you ever been just.. desperately in love with the idea of loving someone? Not in love, or maybe in love, but just so alone it doesn't matter?" he wasn't sure what he was saying, or what he was looking for, but that didn't stop him.

"Feels like all the time, lately," he dropped his gaze to the floor. "I know that he wouldn't want me, so there's just this hole, wanting to be wanted, I guess?"

And that was how it started. When his eyes had trailed down to his lips, and a hand hovered gently over his own before finding its way to his hair.

He didn't care if it was good for him. Couldn't care. It was what he needed, or so he told himself.

He leaned forward, letting his eyes fall closed as he halved the distance. Almost immediately it was reciprocated. He hummed, melting into it like ice in hot chocolate. It didn't feel like love, but nonetheless, a complete acceptance he'd been craving. Someone who knew so much of him but hadn't run.

The other didn't taste like cigarettes, stale beer, or other people, as his past kisses had. In fact, he didn't taste like much of anything at all, just light vanilla lip balm and chapped lips.

He broke off, though didn't lean away, touching their foreheads as he caught his breath. And in the cold air, he was warm.

((Want to be clear, this thing that just happened is mutually non-committed, and not love. Not the healthiest either, so don't take it as an example, coping through relationships is not a good thing, just something I am including story-wise))

((anyway, take that bombshell, bye))

((RECAP: It is revealed that sapnap is the person wil used to talk to (cole). also they kiss. no they are not in love))