Stop Calling me That (mcyt + ftm reader) -Book 1/2-

-3-

((If you have one, what's your song for when dysphoria is bugging you? And... Good luck guys.))

((Warnings: heavy dysphoria))

Y/N was not having a good day. Nothing had even happened to make it bad. Unless you counted looking in the mirror for just a little bit too long.

He looked... wrong. He barely recognized himself. He didn't leave his room after that for hours. Just hid under the blanket and tried not to move. Every time he moved he felt it. Felt his body. Felt it move in all the worst ways. He felt sick.

He needed a distraction. He wished there was anyone who knew. Anyone he could go to who would treat him like he wanted to be. But there was no way he could tell anyone. Not yet anyway.

He sighed, pulling out his phone and flicking through various social media. He tried to watch one of his favorite youtubers but hearing the man's usually comforting voice and seeing him just made y/n feel worse. No matter what he did he would never look like that. Never sound like that. It was frustrating. It was painful.

He closed out of YouTube for a moment, throwing his phone to the side.

Then he immediately got up and grabbed it. He tried to ignore the feeling moving gave him. How certain parts of his body reacted more the motion than others. He opened YouTube again a typed in the search bar.

Lying down on his back and holding as still as he could he could barely feel his body as he blasted the songs. Things still sucked. He still didn't feel good about any of this. But he tried to fight it. Tried to find hope.

Someday, maybe, he would look in the mirror and know exactly who he was looking at. He'd always have insecurities. Maybe he would never feel tall enough. Maybe he would always hate his hands for being too small. But maybe he would at least feel like himself. Maybe he would at least feel like he had a normal amount of insecurity instead of whatever the hell this was.

He sighed as the song ended, replaying it. On second thought... he messed with the settings and put it on loop. He needed this and he wouldn't be moving for a while anyway.

Y/n woke up a few hours later. He heard the song playing through his headphones, although it was much quieter now that they were a foot away from him. Must have fallen off.

He sighed and decided to get up. He stiffened at the feeling of his body as he stood. It wasn't as bad as yesterday but it was still bothering him a lot. He decided to try something.

He opened his phone and did a quick search, and minutes later was double checking the lock on the door with two sports-bras in his hand.

A couple more minutes later he was preparing to look into the mirror for the first time since yesterday. He was wearing one of his favorite loose shirts and sweatpants. He opened his eyes.

It wasn't perfect but his chest was so much less noticeable. He almost cried. If he slouched enough, or maybe layered more...

He smiled, eyes just slightly wet. Part of him wished he could share this moment with anyone, but he knew he couldn't for now. He decided to wear a jacket over the shirt to further hide both his chest itself and the fact that it was different, hoping his parents wouldn't notice. It was cold enough to get away with it.

He walked down the stairs and into the kitchen to get cereal. His mom glanced over at him.

"You going somewhere d/n?"

He cringed as all the euphoria he'd been experiencing drained out of him.

"No just cold," he kept his response short hoping to drop the subject.

"Do you want me to turn up the heating sweatheart?" She asked, clearly concerned.

"No! I mean no, no it's ok," he awkwardly finished. He was so comfortable as he was and he didn't want to give it up yet.

His mom looked unimpressed but gave in before leaving for work. His dad would only be home for another hour or two and then he was going to stream again.

He was excited, but also scared. Almost like he thought that someone would know. Or maybe he was just scared that he would have to deal with being himself that long. He didn't know.

He'd just have to ignore the way his voice made him feel for a few hours. Or.... try to at least.

He could manage that.. he thought. As long as Tommy didn't have another surprise that is.