Stop Calling me That (mcyt + ftm reader) -Book 1/2-

-46-

this is for Anonymouse787 since you asked nicely

This may be obvious but book is more than 46 chapters because I am unwell and too lazy to make a mega chapter

So I realized I had already written the end of this arc so take another Wil chapter you fucks

Wilbur POV

((Warnings: unrequited love, ed, body issues / dysmorphia, unhealthy relationship, referenced sexual assault, referenced/percieved objectification))

Wilbur had already known he was fucked.

He knew, when he found himself up late into the night, rewatching old videos and clips, just to see that smile.

He knew, when he realized how nervous he'd started to get, when he noticed the fuzziness that came around whenever he was in certain company, or how his heart sped up at a simple name.

It was like he was 19 again, falling in love all over again, and it was fucking terrifying.

It was all of those feelings coming back, stress, body insecurity, and the trigger for the second worst relapse he'd had, out of the several.

But now? Now?

He well and truly seemed to have royally screwed himself over. He'd also fallen for his best friend, and despite the way it might seem to an outside observer, those feelings were most definitely not returned.

And that was exactly why he had to do what he planned to do. He couldn't keep going on like this, feeling like he was using him. Even if it had been a silent agreement that they were both using each other, it hadn't been like this. This, whatever this was, had to end.

And not only for the other's sake, but for his own. He couldn't stand feeling the type of loneliness it had left him. It was even worse than where he had been, even worse than feeling unlovable, because this was knowing he was. Or, maybe not knowing he was, but knowing that he was to the one he loved, in the sense that it would never be reciprocated in the same way.

Now that.. that was something he couldn't stand. It was worse than every possible rejection, because it was something he was living in, and because even if it was completely different, in a way, it reminded him of that night. Feeling like less than a person, just an object, just something to fill in the gap.

-

((Warnings: unrequited stuff again, ed, referenced food, fear of abandonment))

"Once you leave tonight, I think we should leave this phase of our relationship in the past," he started the rehearsed lines he'd come up with over the last couple of days. "I love you, you're one of my best friends, but I don't think this is what either of us needs right now. Or at least, I know it's not what I do. I don't want to lose you over this, but it.." he paused, wondering if he should admit the truth.

What if it changed the way that Sapnap saw him? What if he didn't want to be friends after this? Would their history hold up under that kind of strain, or become awkward and forced until he cut contact?

Sapnap seemed a little bit taken aback, but nodded.

"I understand," he swallowed. "Thanks for being honest with me, I-"

"I think I'm falling in love with you," Wilbur blurted out so quickly it almost sounded like a single word. He cringed so intensely it must've been visible, and raised his hands to his face, pressing his palms to his eyelids. "Fuck, I'm sorry, that was uh, sorry."

To say he was startled when Sapnap started laughing would be an understatement. It wasn't a humorous or amused type, nor anything resembling cruelty, just a very startled sound.

"Sorry for laughing, bit surprised, but not offended," he started. "Wilbur, you've got nothing to apologize for, but you're right, we should end this. I would never want to play with your feelings like that."

Wilbur lowered a hand to his chest, holding it over his racing heart as he wiped at his eyes with the other, realizing he'd nearly started crying.

"Aw, Wil," Sapnap sighed softly. "C'mere," he opened his arms, and Wilbur didn't hesitate to accept it, leaning his head into his shoulder. "I'm always going to be your friend, no matter what else happens," he whispered.

"I'm sorry for getting all my gross face fluid on your shirt," he mumbled apologetically.

"It's alright, let it out. Goop me up," he patted his back.

That managed to get a laugh out of Wilbur, despite the anxious guilt that had yet to fade, and the pain of knowing he'd been right. The laugh warped into a sob as he started crying, embarrassed by his own stupidity, but unable to stop it.

Sapnap hummed, gently shushing him in a way that felt free of judgment.

"It's all gonna be ok, I promise," he patted his back. "I'm not going anywhere- well, I am, but not really; I'll never be more than a quick text or a phone call away."

Wilbur sniffled, stifling another sob with a shake of his head as he pulled himself together. He tried to calm his quick breaths as he pulled away. He looked down to meet his gaze with watery eyes.

"Thank you," he said. "I'm sorry for not saying something right away, I was just scared. I really don't deserve you, I'm a mess," he looked down to the floor.

"Hey," Sapnap took both of his hands in his own. "We're both a mess. And that's ok. I've seen you hit rock bottom, and you've seen me do the same. That's not what matters. What matters is who you are beyond that. This doesn't define you, my best friend is far more than that."

"How do you always know what to say?" He didn't mention that that wasn't exactly true, Sapnap had left just before Wilbur properly hit his rock bottom after all, but that wasn't important right now. They'd both been there through heavy lows.

"It's guess work, and honesty I suppose," he half joked. "Now, I know you're stressed, so what do you say we make a nice last day of things? You sit down, relax, I go make some popcorn, and we watch your favorite movie?"

Wilbur hummed, smiling shakily as he nodded. He loved this boy, beyond just the recent new feelings. Even when they were both pretending to be someone they weren't, watching movies and telling stories over call, he'd always been there, and deep down, always been the same wonderful person he was. Sapnap so often knew what to do, and was so kind when it came to sitting through the same movie with him a number of times which most people would've gotten sick of by now. He knew that popcorn had always been a safe food, he knew that Harry Potter was Wilbur's comfort movie, he knew Wilbur. He knew him in a way not many people did, and in a way most people never would, and he was so happy he wasn't going to lose him over this.

((Apologies for anyone who was hoping that would last, while there was a point where I planned to make this relationship canon, I changed my mind long before writing this arc. There are other things coming, and I decided to include this as a different type of arc))

((RECAP: Before dash- Wilbur thinks back over having fallen in love again (twice, both recent) and reflects on the way that the lack of reciprocation has taken a toll on him. He decides he has to end this pseudo-relationship.))

((After dash- He does just that, Sapnap is understanding, and not mad that he caught feelings, offers to watch his comfort movie with him to help him calm down. Wilbur thinks back to how he's always been there; it is wholesome))