I will always put you first (WangXian modern au)

10. "For me"

Lan Zhan, D23 Yunnan Military Base

It's Tuesday and he has told me that he wants to do two shifts today and then stay at Dr. Wen Ning's place tomorrow. He would be returning only on Thursday. I can't help but worry about him. I wish I could ask him not to go. But I haven't earned that right. Not yet. Also, he had said that he thinks of Dr. Wen Ning as family. I can't deny them time with each other.

"You will be gone for two whole days. I am worried about you. Please text me as many times as you can. I will respond as quickly as I can. Every single time." I tell him as we are about to head out of our room.

He raises three fingers to heaven again and promises to do that. "So cute. Will it bother him if I hold him close one more time?" a small voice in my head asks. In the very next instance, I find myself ignoring that voice and surrendering to my need. I need to feel him close one more time. I need to breathe in his scent one more time. I need to feel his heart beating against mine. One more time, before he will be gone for two days. "How did I ever manage to survive without seeing him for 3 years, 1 month, 22 days, and 13 hours,? I truly have no idea!"

I hold him close and then I place a barely-there kiss on his hair. "Please take care of yourself. For me." I urge him.

Yes, it affects him. He is flustered, blushing a delicious shade of pink. I hold on to that picture in my heart as we open the door and walk out of D23.

Wei Ying, Yunan

Lan Zhan holds me close and then places a kiss on my hair. It's almost unnoticeable, but I feel it. He tells me to take care of myself. For him. I know my face must be all red right now.

My heart is in a tangle. I want to give myself to him. No, I have already done that in my heart. But in real life, I am still consumed with my own inadequacies. And if I am honest with myself, my inadequacies are very much a fact. I am really not good enough for him, not by a long shot. It's heaven's grace that we can have these few days together. I will treasure these moments and live the rest of my life with his memories. That thought makes my heart wrench. I am still lost in his haze as we reach YMC.

I set my thoughts aside and focus on work. We serve several people today. There are a couple of surgeries to take care of and supervise. But I manage to take a break for lunch and decide to eat at the cafeteria. Some old-timers greet me and I exchange pleasantries. I fill my plate with healthy stuff. Stuff that Lan Zhan would have wanted me to pick. I pick those. For him.

On a whim, I arrange my rice to look like a bunny's face with long ears. I draw his eyes and mouth using  the packet of soy sauce and red sauce. I make his mustache with shredded carrots. Then I take a picture of my plate with the rice bunny and send it to Lan Zhan. "Taking lunch. Please eat well. For me." I text him.

While I eat I receive his text back. "Good. I will. For you." his text reads and then he sends me a picture. It's his plate. He has arranged fruit slices in the shape of a heart. I imagine him doing this when everyone else is sitting beside him at the table. I imagine his ears turning pink. God, how I miss him! My response to him is a single blushing emoji. I don't expect any text back but can't help waiting for one anyway.

Finishing up my food, I get back to work - more patients, some paperwork, and such. Time flies. At around 4 PM I get a ding on my phone. It's a text from him - two emojis this time - one with a hug and one with a kiss. My mind races to this morning. My heart starts to thump and my mind is about to wander off.

I take a short break to get some coffee and clear my head. I need to break off his spell. But then I give in to my impulse and call him. I just want to hear his voice. "Wei Yiaa, are you alright?" His concerned voice startles me. I have always heard him respond with a stoic 'This is Captain Lan' when someone calls. "Lan Zhan, hi. Yes, I am alright. I managed to take a break to get some coffee. That's when I thought of calling you. Nothing urgent or important. I hope I am not interrupting anything. I... I just wanted to hear your voice..." I tell him truthfully.