I will always put you first (WangXian modern au)

8. "I will always put you first."

Wei Wu Xian, D23 - Yunnan Military base

I wake up feeling warm and cozy. The fragrance of sandalwood surrounds me. Lub-dub, Lub-dub, Lub-dub, I hear closeby. It's the rhythm of a heartbeat. Captain Lan's heartbeat, I realize, as I open my eyes and find myself staring into his chest. A faint gasp escapes my mouth before I can stop it. His warm, flawless skin is just so close to my face. I want to kiss it and then I want to taste it, then I want to bite it, and then lick it, and then kiss it some more. "Where are all these 'wants' coming from?" I wonder.

I am mortified by the train of my thoughts. What was I thinking? His being in my bed could only mean one thing. More stuff that I will feel ashamed of. Slowly, being very careful not to make abrupt movements, I try to move away. But his arm around me holds me in place as he opens his beautiful pale eyes.

I gulp and speak out loud, "I am so sorry again, Captain Lan. I must change my room or start sleeping at the hospital. This must be inconvenient for you. I am bad for you. Damn it. This is supposed to be a mission, which will help the people and help your career. It should not turn into a nannying job for a broken Wei Wu Xian. What happened last night? What did I do?" I am so ashamed of myself. If I could crawl into a crack on the ground, trust me, I would.

I feel a deep grunt emanating from his chest, and he silences me with a slender finger on my mouth. "Enough. You are not bad for me. This is not inconvenient. And trust me, if I ever have to choose between my career and the nannying job for you, I will always choose to nanny you. Always. I will always put you first. Do you understand?" His eyes are searing my soul. I know he is sincere. He means every word he says.

"But aren't you being selfish, Wei Wu Xian? How can you take advantage of him like this? You are so broken. You can only be a distraction. He deserves someone much better than you." I know my rational brain is right. I decide to ignore my rational brain. Just for today. Or maybe just for a few more days.

He is still looking at me, waiting for my confirmation. I nod and respond meekly, "Understood." Gently, I move his finger away before my unreliable, rebellious tongue may decide to lick it.

I move away to allow myself to think more clearly. I have questions. "So what happened last night? And the other night? Could you please tell me? I keep a journal as recommended by my therapist, and if possible, I would like to note down factual assessments of... um.. of these episodes." I stutter. I am drenched in shame. I remember what happened in the dreams each time, but what I was physically doing at that time is something I don't fully know. The medical practitioner in me needs to know, and Qing needs to know, so I push through.

"Sure, I will tell you. But you have to promise me not to chastise yourself about any of it. None of it is your fault or your doing. You did not ask for it. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Can you promise me not to think badly about yourself? Can you do that? For me?" he asks kindly.

If he needed to ask for that promise, I know the things must be really, really shameful. But I decide to be brave and make a promise. For him.

Gaining the assurance from my side, he explains everything, "On that first night, I found you sobbing and whimpering. No amount of shaking or calling your name could wake you up. You had gone too deep in that dream. Not knowing what else to do, I sprinkled some water on your face. That woke you up, but just barely. You did not recognize me at first. You tried to cower away. Then you hit your head on the side of the bed. That must be what woke you up completely because you felt safe with me after that. You reached out to me, and you let me hold you in my lap. I rocked you and lulled you to sleep. I was afraid you might get another nightmare if I left you alone, so I slept beside you and held you. There were a couple of times I felt you shudder, but when I tightened my hold on you, you simply grabbed my arm and went back to sleep.
Last night was not as bad. You were slowly crying and tossing about. Maybe you had just started the bad dream. I only laid down, taking you in my arms, and rubbed your back. You fell asleep quietly. There. That's everything." he concludes.