I will always put you first (WangXian modern au)

12. "Those two"

Lan Zhan, D23 Yunnan Military Base

My heart breaks at the sight that is my Wei Ying. He looks pale, tired and his eyes seem to have lost their light. I can tell he is burdened with something. He is not just physically exhausted. Something is weighing down his heart.

Somehow I cajole him into taking a shower and eating soup. He eats very little. And then we go to bed.

"Noooo..." a loud scream wakes me up and I find him shaking in my arms, completely drenched in sweat. Tears stream down his face non-stop.

"I... I lost her... Lan Zhan... I... She was just a ch... child..." he says, choking up. That was what it was! He must have lost a patient. I gather him in my arms and try to make soothing motions on his back. I somehow coax him to breathe with me. I can only imagine his heartbreak. There is no logic I can add tonight to make this nightmare go away. 

"Wei Ying, I am so sorry. I wish there was something anyone could have done. Neither you, nor anyone else can control life and death. It's the ultimate truth. Let go of this burden, sweetheart. Don't let this one case, make you lose focus of things that you can do, things that you have done. In the past few days, you have saved so many lives. All those families who would have lost someone dear had you guys not helped. Focus on that, Wei Ying. For this girl, we can only pray for her soul to have peace and let go...", I gently persuade him to calm down. After some time, I am relieved that his tears have stopped. His face looks peaceful again and slowly he drifts into sleep in my arms.

For someone so young and so kind-hearted to go through this past week must have been agonizing. I need to make him rest as best as he can in the next couple of days.

When Sunday morning comes I let him sleep in. It's good that his alarm was not set for today. I move as stealthily as I can and avoid making any loud noises. I pull down the blinds to block off the light. When I head out to the mess hall for breakfast, I leave him a small note. "I will be right back. I will bring breakfast for you. Please rest some more." I hope he does not wake up, but in case he does, I don't want him to wonder where I am.

When I come back to D23, I am glad to see that he is still sleeping. At around 9 AM he starts to stir. I move to the bed and sit by his side. His eyes are still closed and he reaches his arms to look for something. "Are you looking for your phone? It's only 9 AM. Please sleep some more. You can wake up after another hour." I tell him softly. "Xie xie, Lan Zhan..." He murmurs groggily and goes back to sleep. I pick up a book and bring it back to his bed. Then I sit next to him, scooch my feet into the blanket, careful not to let my cold toes touch him, and lean back to continue reading.

I am enthralled by this sight. His raven hair is soft and a few unruly strands fall on his fair forehead. His face is beautiful with porcelain white skin, a hint of a stubble, and high cheekbones. His long black lashes, luscious pink lips, and that very distracting mole under them - everything is pulling me in. At this point, the book in my hand is just a prop to fool myself. When I can watch him, there's nothing else my eyes want to see. 

I am pulled out of my reverie when he stirs again. I straighten up the book hastily and can feel my ears getting warm. But he does not wake up. He simply puts one arm around me and snuggles closer.

If I was only enthralled before, now I am doomed.

Every single cell in this body that is being touched by his warmth is getting heated up. I can feel the burn in all of my lower region. My heart is racing a mile a minute and I feel so thirsty, parched. There are things I want to do to him. But I am sure he is not ready, especially mentally. I have a long way to go before we will get there, if ever. I sigh realizing all that I am wanting may well be one-sided after all. And if I don't put some distance between us and soon, I will surely give myself away. So with a lot of effort, I calm myself down and slowly wiggle out of his arm. I put my pillow in my place and a sigh of frustration leaves me. I am doused in vinegar as he pulls the stupid pillow closer and hugs it.