2.5 Years

1

I don't really know how to start. Since this isn't day 1. It still hurts just as bad so I guess that sets the mood.
It's 2:14am. I don't normally get in bed till now because I get scared. Normally when I lay here, the deepest parts of the pain and loss set in. It's like my body sinks in the bed and I'm just laying in a pool of my own dead heart. Really sucks.
" I hope you never have to do it. I hope your heart never has to bury its soulmate.. knowing it's still walks upon this earth." -Alfa
That one ripped me a knew one when I read it. Because nothing described it so perfect. I truly feel like I've lost a loved one, but then I remember there around just not me. And I think why it hurts is because I could've kept them around but it just wasn't its time, and by the time my heart was ready, the other heart had moved on.
And I think that's what they don't tell you about love, is that when it ends, that's what will kill you. But instead of dying you're expected to just live with a huge hole in your heart, wondering when it will get smaller. And wondering if you'll ever find it completely closed. At this point I don't know if my heart just feels dead and empty, or like a massive "you" shaped hole has been punched through it. I'm beyond broken, and still expected to live every single day, and to be a single hard-working mother, and to just pretend like nothing ever happened. But that's just not how it works. Every time I listen to my music at night before I go to sleep, I cry. Every time I touch myself, I cry. Every time I think about where I want to be in 5 to 10 years, all I see is you and it's the hardest thing to try to shake that image, and come up with a future that doesn't include you, because you were my future for so long. even when I was physically with others, it's always been you. Wishing we could go out to the bars, to dinner, or just lay around the house and smoke and hang out with the animals. An almost blissful life. Five crazy kids in 10 years. I just don't even know why I think about these things still, maybe hoping that you'll feel me, and change your mind, but I know it's not that simple. And I'm sorry that it's not.
I don't know if you'll ever find this, because I don't want you to feel like you have to read this. But if you do, I hope you stick around until the end, to see if I ever make it past you. I know that's what you'd want for me, for some reason I still want to just keep going on this ride. Even though it's gotten us absolutely nowhere because things have always been in the way. God I'd give the world for you, and that's the problem.
I know deep down that I deserve more than you could ever give me, only for the pure fact that my heart is so different from everyone else. However I would conform to anything and everything that you provide, and everything that you don't provide. And I would give anything in the world just to see a smile spread across your face, and feel your arms around my waist. And I know one day I'll find somebody hopefully worthy of me, it just sickens me that it's not you.
I hope that writing these daily or semi daily, helps me, not only heal from all of my pain, but almost be like an affirmation.