I wish so badly I could hate you. But I just don't. I don't want you to talk to me, but I also miss talking to you. I don't know where I'm at. I keep looking at your pictures and our messages and it all just feels like a nightmare. Because I don't have you, and I don't even know if I want you or not.
You know it's so hard for me to come to the terms that I deserve better than you. But I don't want better, I just wish you could've gotten your shit together. As if that was such a hard thing to do. I was willing to help you go through rehab, I was willing to help you get all your meds straight again, and I was willing to put everything on the line to be with you. Do you know how hard that is? No you don't because you never had to put shit on the line to be with me. This whole relationship was always easier for you than it was me. You had no real sacrifice, no real strains, you didn't really have to give up anything. And what did you walk away with? A tiny bit of PTSD about probably whoever you date working with a man.
And what do I walk away with? PTSD sleeping without my phone directly next to me, PTSD of getting a phone call while I'm asleep, PTSD of being scared of being left on read, because I overthink and think that you don't wanna talk to me, no matter who it is. I am so fucking scarred from everything that you put me through, and I'm not saying at one point I didn't deserve it, but this shit is just too much. I'm ruined. That's why I have to push myself to believe that I deserve better, as much as I don't want better, and I want you.
But I also can't live my life forever wondering if somebody actually gives a damn about me, or if they're just telling me what I would like to hear.
YOU ARE READING
2.5 Years
Non-FictionSomeone has told me that you grieve someone for half the time you've known them or longer. I don't want to grieve that long however this is my progress as to how I'm feeling.
