"When a door closes, knock on it a few times. But if it still doesn't open, let it stay closed."
We never stopped knocking. And we never stopped opening and now I'm in a place where you broke down my door and I have to put up drywall over a fucking door. I hate that I miss you so much. As if you really give a FUCK about how I feel.
I truly just feel like I haven't meant shit to you in 2-3 years. And that's just the facts nearly. Probably because you probably thought I'd never drop everything to be with you? Probably because it all seemed like a free and nearly reckless dream? None of it mattered when it came to you. Moving across the country. Exposing my child to you and your love. All that. It seemed so sure of a thing.
But it's absolutely broke me that I finally was ready and working to be better for you, and you couldn't even try for me. If you wanted to you would have. No matter how busy you are. You should have texted me instead of messages after I told you about my read-receipt anxiety. You should have tried to ease my mind. But you didn't care.
I always kept our conversation going. I always asked about you and your day. I always offered any advice and help I could. And the only thing I ever got was "it's gonna be okay. Or you got this" which is encouraging but compared to how much support I showed to you. It angers me. I was telling my friend tonight. "At one point. I deserved all the bad he did to me and how he was cold towards me, because of what I did to him. But you'd think by now he'd realized I am just trying to love him and make the shit work and be better for eachother. But I guess not" and that shit hurts. I'm so ready to be over grieving this shit. But it is what it is.
YOU ARE READING
2.5 Years
Non-FictionSomeone has told me that you grieve someone for half the time you've known them or longer. I don't want to grieve that long however this is my progress as to how I'm feeling.
