2.5 Years

4

"Loving somebody this much sucks."
Ain't that it. I finally had admitted to my son's dad that the person I love so much is the reason we couldn't work our shit out, and I don't think it was very hard for him to hear. I don't really think he ever loved me anyway, so working it out was never an option. But I always dreamed of that perfect family.
Before I even had a kid I thought staying with the other person's parent would be cake, and it is so much more complicated than I could've ever even thought it would be. You literally just grow to resent to the other parent so much that you almost hate them, but it's not like a full hate. It's almost just plain old fashion resentment, feeling like they took some thing from you.
I still feel so broken, but like a manageable broken. Not fixable, but able to live with the pain of staying broken. Hopefully that's not always gonna be the case but I would be OK if it was. I use talk to text to type these out so I don't have to use so much energy. I don't sleep anymore. I'd lay in bed and I mourn and I cry and I just feel like sleep is some thing I just don't have time for. And then when I finally do fall asleep, my son wakes me up.
It's really hard to live every day as if you're not bleeding from every single wound on the inside. And God does it fucking ache. I don't know what to do anymore at this point. I'm just so tired of hurting from the same shit but at the same time I just don't really know how to cope very well with all of it.
I scrolled upon your picture today. And I just sat and stared. It's the black-and-white one of you lighting a cigarette. So stunning, I would do anything to just hold the nape of your neck under your ear and look at you. I just wish I was able.
It is so hard to want, and crave someone so deeply who you can't even talk to you because you feel like you're wasting your breath, I wish you just give me one more good run, and let me fly out and see you for a weekend, and let me see where this would go. But I know that just seems so complicated. I hate that we're in this situation, and all I want is for you to feel me and want me and I know you're not going to. So I normally just try to keep myself preoccupied, but then I see some thing and I thought of you just rushes over my entire body. I was watching a movie tonight and they started having phone sex in the movie, and I could just remember every little detail in feeling that we had back then. It seems like such a childish thought, but I would give anything just to hear your voice. This is getting long now, and I'm getting tired, I'm sorry. I love you.