Taehyung was gone when I opened my eyes.
Oh and it hurt like hell. This is probably how childbirth feels like, except from behind. It took me a couple of days to recover from the pain but I would do it again. Give myself to Tae. Completely.
I felt like I was floating in air when I went back to school and could swear I was glowing because suddenly, people were flirting with me. Girls and guys with sharp gaydars. My grades got better too. I was in love and on top of the world.
Yoongi started Karaoke Fridays at 'April 4' and asked me to work extra shifts. It was fun. I discovered I could carry a tune and J-Min had some crazy dance moves. This was the closest to 'partying' that I have experienced. The three of us became even closer; I felt fortunate to have these great friends.
The next time Tae came home, it was J-Min who called me and set up our meeting (mating). I was ready for him; did some research because I wanted to please him. I had all these techniques practiced in my head but when was with him, I must have stiffened up because he commented that I was 'non-responsive'. Ouch.
So I tried harder. I gave and gave and gave.
Every time he wanted to see me, I came running. If I was at work, Yoongi excused me. One time I even missed my finals because Tae was home and I had to be there. I wanted to make him feel loved. If he wanted to make love, we made love. If he just wanted to sleep, I watched him sleep.
But he never wanted to talk. I wanted to know where we stood. What his plans are. What was I to him? Was I just being used for comfort? I did appreciate that he sought me out each time he was home but found it strange that he always asked J-Min to call me.
I fell into a deep dark hole. Yoongi and J-Min noticed the change but I kept denying it. I was too embarassed to admit that I had no clue what our status was. Heck, I honestly didn't know. I felt like a closeted mistress...like a secret he wanted to keep. Tae never even took me out on a date; we would always meet at a hotel. It was ironic that the more time I spent with him, the more distant he became.
Tae took me to the highest of highs and the lowest of lows.
One night after my shift at the cafe, I got mugged and punched in the face and stomach. While the blood was streaming down my face, I watched the mugger run away with the backpack that Tae gave me. The one that had his emails in it.
The gaping void in my heart got bigger.
I tried to 'find myself' as the cliche goes. I wasn't exactly religious but started going to a monastery to pray. To meditate. To think.
To find my worth.
The next time J-Min called me to say that Tae was home and wanted to see me, I said NO.
