It was a particularly intense night. There were torrential rains and the winds were blowing hard so I went outside to make sure the crop tents were secure. After checking that all the latches were in place, I ran back to my house and collided with a dark figure by the doorway.
It was Kim Taehyung, shivering in the rain. "Jungkook...can I come in? Can we please talk?" To say that I was stunned is an understatement but I would have been heartless if I didn't let him in.
Without a single word, I gave him tea and a towel. I didn't trust myself to speak but he spared me from that when he spoke.
"Jungkook, I'm here to apologize. I'm sorry for messing up your life. I messed up big time, with everything, with everyone." There was no hint of his smirk. In its place was despair.
I had to sit down for fear that my knees would buckle. Tae sat on the chair across from me and continued.
"I disappointed you. I disappointed myself and I know it's a few years late...but I need to at least let you know why things happened the way they did. You knew how my parents planned a path for me. I never saw a reason to disobey them because I knew they just wanted the best for me. Everything was planned. Except one thing: falling in love with you. I didn't intend to love you".
So I was a mistake? I was the hindrance to the perfectly laid out plans for his life??? I didn't say anything though and just looked at him.
"I fell for you Jungkook. Hard. I fell in love with you and it was the most amazing thing in my life. There was no question about gender. There was just you and me. Two hearts that belonged together".
"It was unbelievable. Your love made me feel like I found missing pieces of me that I didn't even know were missing. You gave me purpose, my Kooks."
"When I went to the States, I read all your emails. They gave me strength, but I couldn't reply. Not because I was being monitored, but because I didn't want to make up lies. I didn't want to tell you that they were setting me up with this girl. The days were so fast-paced, I could barely breathe but I knew you were here, waiting for me".
"Kooks, you were like my lighthouse. I knew that as long as I have you, I could find my way home. After what happened to J-Hope and then losing J-Min, the pressure got even worse. I'm carrying the weight of the Kim family and now the whole town. But I'm a phony. I lied to everyone".
"I FUCKED UP BIG TIME!" Tae started crying at this point. Here was this beautiful man, breaking down in front of me.
I wanted to hurl insults at him. I wanted to curse him for the pain he inflicted on me. I wanted to get mad at him. But all I could do was cry when I saw how broken he was. All I could do was feel his pain. God, I wanted so much to hug him but fought the urge.
"Kooks, I'm so sorry....I'm not here to ask for your forgiveness because I don't deserve it. But you deserve to hear my side."
"I know it's too late, you probably hate me so much". His eyes were pleading. Those eyes bore into my soul.
"I fucked up....I LOST YOU, THEN I LOST ME. I don't even know who I am anymore."
I spoke up softly "I forgave you a long time ago Tae. I had to do it, mostly for myself. It was the only way I could continue living".
Sobbing ensued. Tae's whole body was trembling.
The moments passed so painstakingly slow.
Sitting across from each other, we cried. We cried for the many unspoken words. We cried for the lost time. We cried in desperation.
We cried in utter hopelessness.
I put my hand on the table and Tae put his hand over it.
