HYSTERIA

FIFTEEN - HOLD ON LOOSELY

HOLD ON LOOSELY - 38 SPECIAL

"And usually it's too late when you realize what you had... if you cling too tightly, you're gonna lose control."

ARIEL CALLAWAY

It's been three days and I haven't stopped thinking about Harry in those pants on stage. However, I made it my mission to hold his attention and distract him while he tried to sing. I went as far as carrying trays of shots around the bar, especially to those close to the stage. This most definitely got his attention and I could feel his stare burning into my skin as I innocently walked around.

After all, I was just doing my job.

I've been in contact with Zayn a lot in the past few days since he gave me his number. Mainly just chatting back and forth about life, but last night he FaceTimed me for the first time, and we chatted over a few cocktails. I found myself almost intimidated by him, nervous at times in our conversation because there's no way that a man who looks like him could be showing so much interest in me. Genuine interest, not just sexual energy like Harry and I have.

However, Zayn and I haven't surpassed the friend zone, and I don't plan on it.

I had a drunken breakdown at 2am after Zayn and I got off FaceTime last night. The same breakdown that June and Ben have helped me overcome in the past. I took my usual spot in the shower and sat my bare ass on the floor as I contemplated my life and all the men and women that have been a part of it. Thinking about how I'm practically on the path to sleeping with their entire friend group. First Louis, nearly Harry, and now possibly Zayn?

I hear Ben's voice in my head telling me how normal and natural it is to have sexual desires and to act upon them, but how fucking low can one get? Sleeping around with three friends? I don't want to be that person.

After hanging up with Zayn I had to tell myself to slow down. I had to tell myself not to catch feelings even though that hasn't been a hard thing for me to do before. I'm not the type to fall to my knees for any man, not after everything that I went through with Dean.

Slowly, I'm learning my self worth, and with Zayn, it's clear that he sees me in such a positive light, whereas Louis, Harry, and Dean, all got started with me on more of a... sexual note. And I just have to adjust to that.

Maybe part of it has to do with my father, and the shitty household I was 'raised' in when my mom died.

I just want to understand what I deserve in life, and after my drunk call with Zayn, my brain was spinning. Questioning my entire life up until this point.

Why did I sleep with Louis? Why did I settle for Dean? Why am I still fucking around with Harry?

The answer to all of those is that I'm horny. I have needs. I have desires. There may be something deeper too.

For many years I've felt like a burden to Arlo. He had to deal with the consequences of my actions after my mom died and I went off the wall. Sleeping around and nearly falling pregnant in the process. He tried to tell me how special I am and how I deserve all the love in the world, but my fucked up head didn't believe a word he said. If I deserve all the love in the world... why was our mom taken from us? Why were we raised in an abusive household? Why was I taken advantage of in my first serious relationship?

Love is a bunch of bullshit and I'll never set myself up for that trap. Mark my words.

I've also been texting Harry, but our conversations are a lot more brief than the ones I'm holding with Zayn. I had to bitch a little bit about Niall seeing the video, and how he has to be so public about jacking off that someone caught him with such a private video.