Brown eyes

The finding

It took 5 months to bring a little of me back but I found a different me along the way. I found a mature me. I felt like I could face my fears more and more each day, I knew my life was hard and I knew life had a lot of bumps in the road but I also knew that nothing works if you don't don't work for it.
Once I was able to not cry myself to sleep I felt more better I mean I wasn't all there but it was getting me somewhere out of the dark path I was in so all I could think is " you gotta start somewhere".
I could fold some times tho, I would see a pic of her or someone would talk about her and her man and I would feel my heart break but I would push through because you can't make anyone love you.
One day I was looking out the kitchen window and in my thoughts as usual, then everything around me went to slow motion and I felt my breath slowly go down and a bright ass been of sunlight was hitting the creek in my backyard, then boom everything went back to normal but I wondered why.
So I went outside to the little creek that divided the subdivision house and sat down in the grass, and I felt a little free like nothing could hurt me. I just felt the breeze on my skin and the birds singing. The crazy part was I didn't feel alone...... I felt at peace.
As I throw the rock in the water I fell on my thoughts. " why am I here?" "Why can't I get over her?" " Why can't I make her love me?" That was when it hit like a ton of bricks... realization.
The whole time I was asking the wrong questions. I would ask "why me?" Instead of " why not me" and yes I knew I sounded crazy but I knew I couldn't make her love me but the reason I was so broke down is because I never really loved myself, I was dependent on her to show me the love I couldn't give myself so when she left I hated everything about me. My eyes had widened to the discovery that I made and I smiled. I looked up at the sky and looked at the bright blue sky and that was the moment it hit me..... I found my way out.