Naked - Goo Goo Dolls
As my half-iversary came up I really began to think about love.
Was I in love, with Terence that is? I once heard someone describe love as "the feeling you feel that you've never felt before".
Honestly I wasn't feeling anything for him that I'd never felt before. I definitely lusted after him and I was infatuated with him, but was our relationship any deeper? I really can't describe how I feel about him. Words fail me, miserably.
In a way I've gotten quite used to him around, if he left, I'm sure I'd be able to bounce back, but would he?
I was not sure how he felt about me, but if I didn't know an better I'd say that he loved me, which is what I'm passively afraid of, mostly because I don't think that I love him.
Unrequited love, the saddest love there is.
For a long time I thought that I was filled with all this love and I just had to put it somewhere, in a person hopefully. As I grew up, I realized that I was not filled with as much love as I thought. I was filled with hot air and food, but not love. I mean there was some love in my body, but on the contrary to what I thought it was not bursting out of me like I thought it would.
Most people who loved weren't selfish and I was quite selfish.
I was not selfish like the people in the books were; the ones who would say that they were selfish because they kept their partner happy. They'd always think that they're selfish, but they never were. They'd always say: "I'm selfish, I swear! The only reason I did this for you is because I knew it would make you happy and when you're happy, I'm happy and I only really care about my happiness, but because my happiness is dependent on yours I keep you happy, for me. Trust me, I'm selfish."
It was usually the guy who'd be like this, but then again he was usually misguided and knew nothing about love. The girl was usually sensible enough to realize that that was not selfishness. She'd end up loving him through his "selfishness" and then they'd live happily ever after.
If this was selfishness then it was the best kind of selfishness there was. I hoped that one day I'd eventually be selfish like that.
My selfishness was more like I'd eat all the food and I wouldn't give you any. I'd say that I was going to share a bed with you, but I'd end up leaving and I'd take the blanket too. You'd do something for you and I'd question and may even cut you off because I felt like you could have done that thing that you did differently so that I too could benefit from it regardless of whether or not you, the person actually reaping the benefits, were getting the best possible outcome.
I'd turn everything around to see how it will benefit me.
You should take this on for size. When my sister Juniper left for university, she went to Wits. It was the best university in South Africa for medicine or something like that. She got a scholarship too. At first I was furious; I thought she wanted to leave me with our parents. I knew they'd go on about how much the miss her, but I didn't want to be around for that. I also know that once she was gone I'd have to do everything by myself and deal with their nonsense alone and lord knows parents are full of nonsense, especially when you're looking at them through your rebellious and youthful eyes.
I didn't talk to her for a month before she left. I was very immature about it. She tried to spend time with me, but I was the Elsa to her Anna. I shut her out almost completely.
I only spoke to her the day before her flight, it was lovely. The conversation really made me realize that I'd miss her and it made me regret not speaking to her, but the damage had been done and there was no turning back the hands of time.
