I Don't Mind - Zayn Malik
It was a little weird how Jasmine wanted to speak about love. We never spoke about love. I didn't think that she was a big believer in it. Not for then anyways. She thought that she'd fall in love, just not then.
She said that she'd never been in love and it was believable.
She was just so closed sometimes. How would one ever love if they just close themself up all the time? I loved her anyhow. That's right, love .
She didn't know it yet. I didn't know whether or not she loved, but if she did, she probably didn't love me as much as I loved her.
Unlike her, I know what love was. I've had about five girlfriends excluding her and I've slept with about 10 girls; and one guy. I don't like to talk about that. We were really drunk. I don't recall much, I just remember waking up with a sore anus and vowing never to do that again. Steve and I never went any further, I'm not even sure if he even remembers it, I hope now, I was probably, horrible in bed.
I wasn't saying that my multitude of girlfriends made me a doctor on love, but I'd only loved one of them and when I fell in love with her I knew that it was love. What I felt for the others had just been a farce. I thought that she was the real deal, not that she thought that about me.
I've only ever made love once. With a girl named Ophelia, Ophelia Swart. We met when we were about ten and we became the best of friends. As we grew older, Ophelia grew unsatisfied with the world and life. She became cynical. She was never an amazing person, but I had always drawn to her, it was because I knew she was sad, and I wanted her to be happy so I tried to influence her happiness with my presence.
When we started dating, which was possibly the worst decision of my life, we were happy for the first month, then things just went downhill. She was diagnosed with Dysthymia, it later developed into full blown depression. I always sympathised with her, and wanted to keep her happy. I think that's why I loved her. She was the only girl besides Jasmine who I have loved.
I worry about how my love for her was born. I wanted to keep her happy because her happiness made me happy. I was in love with who she was before she became depressed, but I refused to allow her depression to let me fall out of love with her.
Back to our relationship, it was messy. We were only fifteen and we didn't know much about the world or love, but we knew about each other so we thought we could make it work.
Boy, were we wrong. After she was diagnosed with Dysthymia, she tried to get me to leave her. She said she was poison and would only end up ruining my life. I never believed her because she was melodramatic, but after words didn't work she tried other things.
She cheated on me with a girl named Lindsay Roux. I never properly got to know Lindsay, but from what I saw of her she was beautiful person. She had been oblivious to our relationship and only found out about it after Ophelia and I broke up.
When I did eventually have a full on conversation with Lindsay, I discovered that at the time when their relationship began she'd had only known her for a week and even she was concerned about her at the beginning. The concern never left. Maybe people were worried about her.
One day she told me about her parents, they were moving to Johannesburg. She refused to try and have a long distance relationship with me and spent all her time with Lindsay. She told me all her secrets though. She didn't even like Lindsay, she just like fooling around with her. Lindsay said that she loved her though, she never told Ophelia, but she told me.
Ophelia had the ability to make anyone love her, without even trying, but I think she herself was incapable of love. She was so beautiful. She had long brown waves that always smelled like vanilla. She also had olive skin that was just the right tan in the summertime. During winter, her tan left but that was okay but her paleness suited her as well. She had hazel eyes that always seemed to be full of life and bubbly, up until the diagnosis. That's when she started deteriorating physically and emotionally.
Her hair was flat, her skin was rough and pale, because she rarely went outside after the diagnosis and her eyes lost their shine. She was still beautiful. She had these full pink lips and a long of body hair. She stopped shaving, but I didn't mind, it just meant that during the winter she would be warmer.
When she did leave I was sadden by it. More than I thought I'd be.
I snuck into her room while she was sleeping to say good-bye. One thing lead to another and that is the story of the first time I made love. She called it love too, but she never called me again. I sent her letters by mail, because I knew that she loved it, not that I didn't email her. I bombarded her with emails, but she never did respond.
This took a huge blow to ego and my ideas on love; it kind of depressed me, the realization. This is around the time I started with the substance abuse, the one that had me in rehab. All because of her, I don't blame her too much though, and I wouldn't take it back. Having her in my life was one of the best times of my life. I learnt a lot of things. I almost kind of thank her. Because of her I wound up in rehab, but I wouldn't regret our time together.
Because of my experience with her I knew that I loved Jasmine, even if she didn't end up loving me back. It was like loving a baby. The baby doesn't even know what love is, but they could learn and they would learn by you showing them and if you were lucky they'd requite the love.
I wanted Jasmine to be my baby and next week during of half-iversary I planned on telling her that I loved her. Whether she'd said it back or not I didn't care she needed to know.
I never did tell Ophelia that I loved her and now she'll never know, because I probably wouldn't see her again. I didn't want that to happen with Jasmine, she meant too much to me.
I couldn't even describe the love I felt for her, I couldn't call it a feeling I'd never felt before because I had felt this way about Ophelia and she had had quite the effect on me.
I still stare into the sunset because of her. She always took me to watch the sun set, so I ended up taking Jasmine to watch the sunset.
I hoped that maybe someday she'd appreciate it. I never quite understood it when Ophelia took me to watch it.
Ophelia always said. "Whenever you miss me, or somebody important to you, just look at the sunset. It makes you feel less alone. There's someone else out there staring at that same sunset for the same reason as you and I think that's beautiful."
Whenever I stared at the sun, I'd imagine her staring at it and in a weird way I imagine that we are staring at each other and I'd imagine that she's still here with me. Don't get me wrong, if she was her, I'd still be with Jasmine, what we have is stronger, but I missed her presence in my life. I didn't want her as a partner. I wanted her as a friend, which was all she ever should have been to me.
I know the song i chose isn't exactly a song, but you can listen tot it online on youtube. It's a nice song. You literally don't understand how hard it was for me to write 'zayn malik' and not add 'of one direction'. It physically hurt me. I'm still not over him leaving, but i guess that denial was more than just a member of one direction. unlike him...
Sorry, too many corny jokes. but people aching over zayn, i'm here for you <3
Please vote and comment.
