She Was The One - The Vamps
This chapter is possibly the longest chapter I have ever written and doesn't have very much to do with the story so read it at your own risk...
I had never really heard from Ophelia after the move. I always found myself trying to get into contact with her. She never made the effort to contact back and you can only reach out you someone, in the name of love, so many times before it becomes creepy and obsessive.
So you can only imagine the surprise I got a package from her.
Yes it was a little startling that she sent me something let alone a package, but it wasn't the package that surprised me; it was the fact that she had contacted me.
The package was wasn't too thick, but I could tell that there wasn't just paper in it.
Maybe that was why she didn't just email it to me, but then again she had always had an old soul. She had liked things the old-fashioned way and I often felt like she'd been born in the wrong time and she wasn't the type to tweet that statement from an iPhone, in the middle of a McDonalds in a mall where she was using their free Wi-Fi while wearing the trendiest clothes.
Everything about was just so vintage and I missed it.
I slowly made my way up to my room; I was in no rush to see what she had to say. To be honest, I was a little afraid of what she had to say.
It had been two years, she had had two years to contact me, but she chose now. She probably had grave news that I was unprepared for.
Maybe her parents had divorced; maybe a close relative or friend had died. Maybe she was finally better and she wanted to tell me. Maybe she was moving back, or maybe she was gravely ill.
I tried to humour myself, I thought that maybe she had something positive to say, but if you had known Ophelia, you would have known that she was just not that kind of person.
Carefully I opened the package without persuasion, my heartbeat increasing with every shred. It had been sealed very well. After I got it open something dropped onto my lap.
It was a bracelet.
It was my bracelet.
The same one I'd given her two years ago just before she left, I would have recognised it anywhere. Before I gave it to her, I wore it all the time. It didn't look much different; I don't think she wore it much after she left. She never did seem to appreciate anything I did for her, it never stopped me, but it should have.
Next, I took out the letter, or booklet rather, it was more than a page. It seemed to be the subject of the package.
The 'booklet' had a front cover and an index, you could tell that she hadn't made it though; she was computer illiterate and never made any attempts to change it. On the third page and for a couple of pages it was just lined paper that was filled with ink. Her handwriting wasn't too neat, she had her own font. I began to read and once I started I could not stop.
If you're reading this, then it's too late. This is my suicide note, but I'm sure that you weren't expecting it to be, why else would I have written so much. I would have been short and sweet, right? I don't know how this is going to get to you, Terence, but I really hope that it does, even if it doesn't writing this is kind of acting as an escape for me. I chose to write your letter last because I guess that you mean the most. Best comes last, am I right? I never showed you how much you meant to me, but I should have and I'm sorry, but you'll never get to hear me say that. That kind of makes me sad, but at least I won't have to suffer anymore. I don't know if you know this, but you probably don't, but on top of the depression I am battling I also have leukaemia. Go figure, I guess the odds are not in my favour. The doctors detected the cancer quite early fortunately and I have been going for treatment and chemo. All my hair has fallen out; all those brunette waves that you loved so much are no more. I never thought I'd miss them, but I do. Weird. I used to hate my hair up until it started falling out. Chemo started in winter so as I started losing my hair, but my head got cold; I guess that's the main reason why I miss my hair. The treatment is expensive though. I feel guilty for having to put my family through this. I've told mom many times about how I feel, but she just won't listen, she thinks its depression and paranoia talking, but I'm not sure. I don't think you have to be mentally unwell to care about your family. I've only ever really been a burden to my family anyways, I'm always sucking the money in my direction and my parents pay for it. They're really sweet providing me with everything I need and all, I wish they had another child so that tonight when I die, they could at least have someone else to focus their hopes and dreams into, but no, it's just me with my cancer ridden body. And another thing; the cancer is spreading like wildfire. I suspect that it will engulf my entire body before I can tell left from right, but I don't know hey. They said the chemo would work, but they also said that my teen years would be the best times of my life. No one will tell me anything. They're all worried about the cancer and the depression getting worse, but I don't know. They also don't know that I know so much. They also don't know that I'm suicidal, I have become very secretive, not that I was ever an open book. I almost feel sorry for them because of what I'm about to do. As I write I look at the carton of painkillers and wonder if this really is the only way. I don't really want to do this anymore, but I don't want to be a part of this world anymore. Louis Armstrong was lying when he said that it was a wonderful world, it maybe it was, back in his time, but the world has gone downhill and there is nothing we can do. They always say be the change you want to see, but nobody wants to do anything, we'd all rather just carry on living in this filth that we call a world, or maybe we're scared. How is one person supposed to change the world, I don't even know how to change a light bulb, not that I'll need to, I could always hire someone to do it, but where am I supposed to find the money to do that? After my cancer treatment has cleaned it's mouth with my parents lifesavings and I can't get a job because there are thousands of people more qualified than I am and only one is going to get the job that pays them enough to live and we all have to sit and in unemployment and poverty, because that's where we'll probably end up. I can't even learn how to change the stupid light bulb in the hope that maybe there's a family that'll need someone to change their light bulbs and are willing to pay because technology is heading in a direction where we probably won't even need light bulbs. We'll charge our light bulbs and maybe robots will change the batteries in our light bulbs. And you know what that means. Less people again are not working because some fat money hungry bastard doesn't want to pay the bare minimum and sustain a life. They'd rather swim in an ocean of their own wealth while millions suffer, instead of walking over a puddle of their wealth while knowing that millions have been taken care of under them. They just want to keep the money, or maybe they would if we weren't always going into some damn recession or being affected by the last one or money was inflating like a balloon. It wouldn't even be that bad if there weren't so many people, but seeing that we're pushing 8 BILLION people, people can't seem to calm their vaginas and penises enough to not pop out nine kids, or it's not your fault. It's your loose parent's fault for planting their seed all around like it was nobody's business. The "I don't have any children...that I know of" joke is actually pretty scary to me. You could have ten children but you don't care, you just care about getting 'some'. Well, why don't you get some protection and self control. Apart from the fact that if I live I'll probably end up as a hobo because some 25 year old fraudster who wants a Mercedes NOW will probably con me out of whatever money I have and what's left of my parents', I'll also end up alone, because let's face it. It's not that I don't think I'm attractive, I know I am because that's what all the nurses say but, I'll never allow myself to be happy with them because they might just wake up and break my heart. Life is not a Sims game, you cannot control everything and you can't fix life's' issues by entering a few cheats. A good example of this is when Zayn Malik left One Direction. Many girls committed suicide because of this and I can understand why. Maybe they thought that if enough of them cut or commit suicide it would make a difference to him. He didn't even comment. I feel bad for those disillusioned girls; the idea is stupid, but not completely stupid. They had justified it in a way not everyone could understand. In their heads if enough girls were cutting he'd feel bad and come back, but I guess 'not enough girls cut'. Now not only do these girls feel embarrassed, but they feel like failures from the grave. They thought that they were being martyrs to the Directioner fandom, but all they have is slit arms, broken dreams and corpes. Hell, I feel broken. His departure is contributing to my suicide, yes. Don't get angry at me, there is a method to my madness, it just takes the right madman to see and I'm going to explain it to you very carefully. I've been a Directioner from the beginning. In a way I've grown up with the boys and they're grown up with me, though they don't know me. They are not a band to me, being a Directioner is a lifestyle for me personally, and others take it even more seriously than I do. Emotionally, I've invested in them, when people do things to them, I feel personally offended. I run multiple fan accounts on various social media for them. In a way they're made me happy and have kept me somewhat sane. I feel betrayed in a way. I suspected that he was going to leave about a year ago when a blogger noticed that he wasn't looking as happy as he used, this was while everyone was tripping about whether or not Harry would leave. So I watched him, acutely afraid that he'd leave, but then again everything you fear happens to you. I feel betrayed because I thought that Zayn was leaving because of stress and depression, which I can understand. He said he wanted a normal life, yeah, I interpreted this as he wanted to quit fame completely, go back. At first I was worried for him, "What would he do?', "He's too short to be a model", "He doesn't have a matric" "how would he have survived", all money runs out my darling. Then all of sudden I hear that he's trying to start a solo career. What happened to the depression and the stress that fame was causing you? Or did Naughty Boy, just do away with them. For the longest of time, I felt dejected. If we were good enough he would have stayed? Wrong, he would still have left. I refuse to feel like a child of divorcé. He still had six months left, too. If you sold me, my family, all our belongings and our house it still wouldn't add up to 10million dollars which is what he paid to leave, right? And let's not forget the money he would have earned while on tour and from the fifth album, but it's not about the money is it? It's about the "passion" and the "fans" and "living your life". Bullshit. For the longest of times, I hoped it was just a joke, Zayn was supposed to appear at the Cape Town Concert on 1 April and then they'd say it was an April Fool's joke and then they'd release a new music video and then we'd beat the VEVO record again, or maybe he'd rejoin after their contract with Modest ended and One Direction would be as they once were, but with different management right? I don't fucking know! After I didn't see him at the Cape Town concert I gave up hope. There is a time for everything and I just don't think that leaving then was the right time. I was rooting for the April Fool's one, I would have stayed no matter how many people died. I also feel like I'm the only Directioner who is still angry about it. Everyone seems to respect his decision and now they're encouraging it. I feel like there's no one I can talk to. Whenever I try to vent to someone about it they all say I need to respect his decision, which I would have eventually if I planned on living any longer. It's like I'm not allowed to be angry and if I want so space all of a sudden I need to back up or something. It's like I'm being ostracized because I don't maintain the popular opinion. Another thing that also aggravates me is all these girls who think that they're going to end up marring any member of One Direction. I've met a lot of girls who are in love with them and to be honest I haven't found one whom I believe is worth them. A lot of things are totally and completely dependent on worth, which they are well aware of. They wouldn't marry someone beneath them. Not that we are beneath them, we are all insignificant specs of dust floating around in Gods great universe. But I haven't met a girl who was really pretty, because everybody knows that's they're going to marry model like girls, who know nothing about any other member of the band besides Harry and the one they marry. It's like the prettier they were the less they knew about the band. The pretty, well dressed girls just wanted to have Harry's meat while "Neil and Lewis" watched or something. Ugh fake fans are the worst. I knew of girls who went to the Cape Town concert just because "someone was coming to South Africa" girls who didn't even know everyone's names while true fans couldn't go because it sold out in like two seconds or they were too poor to afford golden circle tickets. They didn't even know their names and that was really infuriating. And the ones who were the most obsessed weren't exactly always easy on the eyes, but their personalities are remarkable. Or maybe they are pretty, but they are I can't see it. The perfect Directioners only seem to exist on the internet, because the girls who in my opinion deserve them are the ones with the fan accounts. I realize I'm generalising, but I'm angry and I about to die, I think my opinion is a little more important than being politically correct. I mean you know when I say 'all' I mean many, but writing 'all' is easier. And the most aggravating thing is that they all think they're going to marry Harry. No bitch, you are not, you probably won't even meet him. In a way these girls remind me of myself. I too once thought that I could have been Mrs Ophelia Styles, but after a while I just accepted that not only would I never know him, but he'd never love me. Don't get me wrong, I don't deserve him either or any of them; I honestly don't know if anyone does. And all the girls who went on about how close they were to them. "OMG I'm so close to harry I could fucking suck his dick" no bitch, you can't suck the Styles stick, it's not kosher. I guess one of the reasons why I hate these girls is because I feel intimidated by them. They have a chance with Harry; they'll be alive when he wants to get married. They're pretty, because it's always the pretty ones who get like this. They probably won't even marry a die hard; they'll probably marry a girl who has the Directional knowledge of a carrot. (I hope you get this pun, because if you don't then you should just stop reading, Terence, and go find yourself a nice 1D blog and educate yourself) She'll get to ride on the Stylpayhorlikson stick and you know what, I'd probably have shipped them anyways. It's not even like I'm a Zayn girl. I know that I am destined to marry Harry Styles, at least I was. I read one of their books, shitty writers they are, but then again they aren't the world's biggest writers. They sing for an obvious reason. Maybe it's because they wrote the way they speak, and the way they speak isn't exactly John Green on the ears. I'd always known that Harry was a beautiful person from the inside out, but it wasn't until I read the book that I realized how amazing they are. With each of them, I felt like I was speaking to them, like they were talking to me and maybe that's why I don't like their writing style. I like to read a story, but I felt like I was talking to them. Harry is an amazing person though. Far too good for me, far too good for all the thirsty hoes who want him, far too good for some of the women he's been linked too and far too good for the some of the girls he's written to be in love with in the fan fictions. If you don't read fan fiction you should try it. In fact, Harry is such a good person that it suddenly clicked in why he's never had an official girlfriend; because there is no one out there who is as perfect as he is. Everyone else is too flawed to be linked to him. I know I'm putting him on a mantel but he deserves. I won't be surprised if he never finds someone, he'll probably just lend his sperm to a supermodel so that his children will be hot, and nobody is as perfect. I know what you're thinking, I'm worshiping him and I'm a hypocrite. They're probably right, but I don't care, by the time you read this I'll be dead always.
