All I Want (Capture Series 1)

Thirty-Two

This was all on me. He had nothing to do with this. He was drunk. He was talking nonsense. I was the one who made it big deal. I was the one who put my hopes up. I was the one who still cannot move on. This was all on me.

I locked myself inside Mommy's office. Her secretary just let me be. I couldn't go back to my condo. Hindi ko pa kayang bumalik doon. Baka magkasalubong kaming tatlo. If that happens, baka magbreakdown lang ako. Hindi rin naman ako pwedeng bumalik sa bahay. Paniguradong makakarating kay Mommy iyon at magtatanong na siya hanggang sa malaman niya ang totoo, tapos makakarating sa mga kaibigan ko pati kay Kuya so no.

Tumigil ako sa pagyuko sa desk ni Mommy at sumandal sa swivel chair. I wiped my tears even though they won't stop flowing.

"Tama na. Tama na," I whispered.

Hindi ko alam kung sinasabi ko ba iyon sa mga luha ko, sa mga taong nananakit sa akin, o sa sarili ko lang mismo.

Tumulala lang ako sa kawalan habang patuloy ang pagtulo ng mga luha ko. Ano bang magagawa ko? Wala naman e. Umiyak. Mag-isip. Iyon lang.

I saw this coming and I expected it to hit this hard. I saw a tiny hope of light then assumed it will brighten up my whole world, where in fact that tiny light could be covered up easily by anything or anyone. Everything about Theo hits hard. The way he cared for me, loved me... loved, then left me... and left me again.

That drunk talk was his last step of moving on from me. He didn't choose the one month. He chose the almost a year. He chose Corrin.

I laughed at myself. "Umasa ka talaga na mas pipiliin ka niya kesa sa mas matagal niya nang kasama, Oliana?"

Tinawanan ko ang sarili ko hanggang sa mapanis na lang iyon.

"Pinili kita kesa sa matagal ko nang kasama," napapaos kong sabi. Tumulala ako ulit at bumuntong-hininga na lang.

Wala e. Eto ang buhay ko.

After almost an hour of staring into nothing, I wiped my face once more and stood up straight. I cleared my throat as I straightened my clothes with my hands.

You're okay, Oli. You'll be okay.

"I'm okay. I am okay. I will be okay," paulit-ulit ko na bulong sa sarili ko.

Tumingin ako sa taas para pigilan na ang pagtulo ng luha ko at huminga nang malalim.

"You can do this, Oli. You can do this."

Lumabas ako ng office ni Mommy at dumiretso sa lamesa ko. Ramdam ko ang tinginan sa akin ng mga kasamahan ko pero hindi ko sila pinansin. I was aware of my puffy eyes but I didn't care. Binuksan ko ang computer ko at pinanood lang ang screen na magloading.

"Ahm, Miss?" Tracy called me.

"Yes?" sagot ko without looking at her.

"Day-off niyo po ngayon diba? Ayaw niyo pong magpahinga?" she carefully asked.

"Ayoko," I said directly.

"Miss, ahm, yung mga paperworks niyo po tapos na diba? Kung meron pa po, pwedeng ako na lang ang gumawa," pagsingit naman ni Alex.

"I can do it," I replied.

Nanahimik naman sila at hindi na ako pinansin. Maya-maya'y lumapit na sa akin ang secretary ni Mommy na si Elisa. She was in her 30s I think.

"Miss." She placed her hand on top of my wrist kaya napatigil ako sa paggalaw ng mouse. "Please, rest. Tapos mo na po yung mga gagawin mo. Hindi ba bukas na ang Socialites Annual Grand Party? Dapat nasa bahay ka lang. Pahinga ka na po muna," she said softly.