Kashmir [BxB]

Chapter 33 - Juggling life's lemons

It wasn't as it was before. Nothing was the same.

After a month of being home from the hospital, Nate was still in pain, and Esme was still ignoring me. I thought it'd get better once Nate was back, but he didn't return the same man, and Esme never returned at all.

I'd gone by Nate's house earlier this afternoon, to drop off schoolwork while Kade went to work out. I couldn't find it in me anymore to try and do that. So I sat by Nate's bed, chatting as I offered up warm pretzels I'd bought on the way over. He was too nauseous to eat again, and too tired to keep the facade up. He was just... hallow. The constant pain had gouged out his spirit, leaving the ghost of a smile on his lips as he thanked me for visiting him.

I take a drag on the lit cigarette, treasuring the burn of the smoke as I inhale deeply. Sometimes, I only felt like I could breathe properly if it was through the sweet-smelling sticks, perched here on the porch in front of my home. I tried not to smoke when mum or dad was around to see, but I was pretty sure they knew anyway.

The weather was cold, but it was only early spring after all. The icy air bit my skin, making me aware of my entire body wherever it touched. I continued smoking, inhaling and exhaling, watching the smoke coil around itself and disperse into the surrounding air. It was calming in a sense, the tobacco like a soothing balm to my mind and the smoke drawing my attention away from anything else.

It's when I've just put out the first cigarette in a nearby water glass that the door opens on my left, bursting my serene little bubble of nothingness.

"Smoking's bad for you, you know.", Kade states as he walks over, taking a seat next to me on the porch swing. I offer a sad smile, blowing out a cloud of smoke in the opposite direction. He didn't like the smell, I was honestly surprised he came outside at all.

"I know. You want one?"

I gesture to the cigarette, nodding as he shakes his head with a chuckle. No surprise there, Kade was about as straight-edged as I expected. I've only ever seen him drink once, before the soccer game, and I don't think it really did a lot for him.

Silence pillows around us as we burrow together on the swing, sitting close without appearing too couple-y. I hadn't seen anybody out an about for the past half-hour, as it was probably too early in the day for that, but I didn't want Kade to feel uncomfortable.

"I saw Nate today."

Kade humms, waiting for me to continue.

"He's in pain. And there's nothing I can do about it."

Kade shuffles closer, slinging an arm around my shoulders and allowing his leg to rest against mine. His warmth is searing where it meets my cold skin, almost painful to the touch as it awakens my numbed nerves.

"He's getting better. Slowly perhaps, but he's getting there."

I allow myself to lean on him, resting my head in the crook of his neck.

"But it's not better, is it? I thought that once he got back, everything would be back to normal, you know? But it's not. Nothing's the same."

The smoke in my lungs barely makes it past the lump in my throat, tears pushing threateningly again as my eyes heat up. Kade wordlessly holds me closer, somehow knowing exactly what I was that I needed right now. He had a talent for that, and the past few weeks had proved to me how attached I'd actually become to him. He was on my mind night and day, and by my side any and every time it was possible.

His silent support, his attentiveness, was like a buoy on a storming ocean keeping me afloat.

"I tried talking to Esme, but she won't respond.", I continue, feeling my voice grow unsteady as my emotions made their way to the surface, "It's like bouncing a ball off a wall. And Nate... I just see how much of a toll all this has already taken on him, and I'm afraid he'll push himself too much just to make me feel better."