An Introvert's Love

6

Yura

I shrunk deep into my bed covering myself with the blankets. Physically I am here but my mind is wandering in a dark place that none want to go in and what happens when you get lost in it? It all happened so fast, I didn't know that I was getting myself into trouble. I didn't know that I was going to get lost in the place where I strangely found comfort. See, it isn't my fault now? Is it?

I kept thinking about anything and everything that happened throughout my school life. Once, I thought that my insecurities were only affecting me and others honestly didn't care about that. But boy was I wrong!!

Of course, I am! I witnessed with my own eyes people making fun of my insecurities more specifically my body! I ain't got no model's body neither do I have a slim posture. I am unique! I had my flaws and I tried to accept them, but no! it's a fucking no! whenever I start accepting myself someone has to be there telling me to change myself. Why couldn't they just care about their own damn life and leave me alone!

Little did they know how those words damaged me! how it took away my sleep, they don't realize the power of words. It can break your heart, make them into pieces, and can change you into a heartless demon. But I tried my best to show them my love, collecting all those shattered pieces of my heart. I thought they wouldn't care about my flaws if I overshadowed them with my love. Again I was wrong!

If they ever so badly wanted to make fun of me they should have done it in my absence. Why do it in my presence? Why did they do it when they know there could be a high chance that I might catch them. Because as they say where's the fun in that?

.....

It was the day before our annual day function, We had planned a group dance. So we were practicing and rehearsing it to make every move perfect and in sync.

I loved dancing even though I knew I would probably appear like a potato while dancing but I didn't pay much care to that because dancing made me feel a bit good. People also didn't seem to care about how I looked so I gained somewhat confidence in dancing only to lose it all at the end.

I was in the first row at the end during our dance. I was dancing with my mind feeling every beat, calming my head with chaos, wanting to savor every moment but suddenly my eyes caught one of my two friends giggling and chuckling pointing towards my back, and fuck that's when reality hit me hard! they care, they fucking care about my insecurities and even worse they make fun of it behind my back. Could it get any worse?

The smile on their faces when they did it was so fucking genuine! they were living their moment in school life and making mine trash. They didn't notice me staring at what they were doing. As if they notice it though, there's gonna be no different. What's done already cannot be undone or neither it could fix the damages it caused.

I stiffened and danced with a heavy chest. And thereafter I didn't take the dance moves as hard as it is but light as I could. Even though they made me a fun thing I had never shown them my ugly bitchy side. Only I know how hard I try to be patient with them when I practically wanted to rip their heads off of their neck.

People always tell me to take everything easy, but it hurts more than they could imagine when your deepest insecurities are being made fun of and it fucking hurts so much when it's your friends who did it. They don't understand people don't understand.
........

Tears brimmed in my eyes and started to flow out having no idea of stopping anytime soon. I pushed my blankets aside and got out of the bed.

I stared at my pathetic figure in the mirror staring back at me with pity, anger, frustration, hurt and it felt so deep at the moment.

I touched my face in the mirror surface and sobbed quietly. I will get better, everything will get better, I have a long way to go and I won't let those people's opinions pull me down!

But can I do that!? I gasped for air and inhaled shallowly in between my cries. My view blurred with tears and my throat almost dried.

I washed my face and pulled myself towards my bed. My knees began to shake as I neared my bed and I somehow tended to land back on the bed. My head started pounding, my heartbeat raised and my fingers were shivering and then I got aware that I am having another anxiety attack this week.

God! Please I just wanted to be happy.