An Introvert's Love

5

Yura

My headache was getting worse with time. I stared out the window, a lonely hot tear sliding across my cheeks and landing smoothly on my coat. I wiped it from the back of my hands wanting to go home more than ever.

I shifted uncomfortably in my seat feeling my insecurities kick in. I adjusted my coat and sat straight as I could. Why can't I even be a little comfortable anywhere?

The Van came to halt before my home and I readily got up to get out. Some students pulled me into a hug and I flashed a small smile. From the corner of my eye, I saw Vinny and Nila's frowning faces but I didn't care. Oh! Well, I care but didn't show it out.

Holding onto the handle I slowly got off the van and waved goodbye to all. I pushed open the main gate to our house feeling tired and somewhat peaceful because I don't have to see them all again.

When I enter my home, I saw mom was busy in the kitchen cooking lunch. Hearing some shuffles in the living room she peeked her head from the kitchen and asked how I wrote my exam.

I said good and shrugged my shoulders. Then she asked me to get changed and have lunch. I tiredly climbed up the stairs my headache finding its way to hurt me again.

Unlocking my room door I stumbled upon my bed. I stared dead in the ceiling getting drowsier by the second.

I shouldn't have thrown the duster on her. But I didn't do it with intention. At least she could have said a sorry. Or maybe I shouldn't have cared. I must have looked like a piece of shit today.

Stop overthinking everything Yura!!

I covered my face with my hand and sobbed quietly. At some point, it was, even so, hard to breathe."Are you not going to have your lunch?"My mom shouted from downstairs."I'm coming" I said with a raspy voice raising my tone a little.

I straightened myself and removed my clothes leaving myself in only my inner wear I stared at my reflection in the mirror. You look disgusting! I thought to myself. I know I look like absolute shit.

I brushed my fingers under my eyes I look like a mad girl, I look so ugly, so pathetic, so weak. Tears began to race down from my eyes before I could even begin to cry. What am I becoming? how am I gonna survive the coming days?

I thought I would be happy today but what happened to that? why am I sad again? Why am I crying again? why am I feeling over the things that I had buried inside my head a long time ago?

I cried clutching my chest, this is so frustrating!

All those hurtful thoughts rushed to my mind again. The more it penetrates my mind the more it made me sob. I hate you, Yura!

*Trigger warning*

My hands were itching to take out the blade from the drawer and end this everything. Or maybe I can just draw a mark of pain on my skin. That doesn't sound like a bad idea! right? I have done a lot of artwork on my wrist trying my best to die but no! it never worked.

This is the first time I'm gonna do this without the intention of killing myself. It was like torturing or maybe destroying myself! I grabbed the blade between my shaking fingers and scratched it across the skin on my arm feeling no pain. The blood dripped out almost immediately from where I had cut.

,,,,,

This feels good. It made me feel a little better. I sniffled and rubbed my nose calming myself and inhaled and exhaled a sufficient amount of air. When I felt myself get relaxed I entered the bathroom and cleaned my body.

I wore a long blue cotton skirt with an unmatching shirt of my dad's one and stared again at the mirror. Putting on a smile on my face I ran down the stairs singing my favorite song.

"nenjorama oru kaadhal thulirum pothu....." (At the corner of my heart, when love starts blooming...)

And just like every day me
and mom sat and ate watching dramas or movies on television. What I had just done in my room to myself doesn't even make sense now. I was chatting and eating with my mom with a smile.

Sometimes I feel so bad because she doesn't know her daughter was doing all these kinds of stuff behind closed doors. She was hurting and destroying herself who means the world to her mom.

This ain't no good. But oddly it's the only way I found peace and relaxation.

.........

Everything will get better soon...at least that's how I tell myself each day to survive❤️